Do I have SIL's child? **AN UPDATE**

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

My SIL has had her children removed from her care. Each had different fathers, All other's have gone to their dads except two. One is with a family memeber and SIL would like me to have the other child - Legally/Officially - so that SIL will still have contact. She has a fortnight to submit to social services her choice and i'm the only one in the family who could have the child otherwise the child will go into the system and be adopted. Child is a few weeks old. I've not even seen the child (removed from SIL at birth by social services) so have no bond with the child.

I currently have 1 DD and we are trying for another (It has only been a few months though of trying so am not pregnant) SIL knows we are trying and see's this as a "you want a kid - have mine!"

Whats making the decision difficult is There is a chance this child might have a mental disability (they cant test yet as too young ??) I know my SIL will not back off and let me be a parent to this child no matter what the courts say/put in place and i think that will cause problems. SIL is also saying she wont come around unless its "convieniant" for me - But i have a horrible feeling she will be here constant and I dont want that. It would unsettle me, the child and also my DD.

Half of me is screaming to take the child as, after all, it's family.

Other half is yearing for "my" child.

Some of you may already know this is something i've been thinking about for a bit now. I said no to SIL as I dont think I could cope having her in my ear all the time and this would divide the family but She's been nagging me and wearing me down and now I'm half and half.

OH say's he'll support me no matter what I decide but I know he would like a child of his own (DD is not his although he treats her as his) and to be fair, I'd like my "own" and this child will never be "mine" (Think of "normal" adoption - That child has a "mum" and a "dad" where as I'd be "aunty" with "mum" and "dad" visiting)

Mum's just been, she said SIL is on her way to "discuss things" - Mum's already told her to stop pressuring me as I'd already said no.

I could support the child (Other wise i wouldnt be trying for my own!) but its the whole maternal thing - That child will never be mine and I couldn't bring it up as my own

I guess what I'm looking for is advice. I know this may split people and I may get some backlash from people who cant have kids or who have been trying for a while and I truly am sorry if this upsets anyone, But i simply dont know what to do.

elvis86

When you say "sister-in-law", is she your OH's sister, or is the father of the youngest child your brother?

If the latter, why can't he take care of his child?

If the former, I would advise against taking the child on. Your SIL must be a pretty useless mother to have her kids removed, why not let this child have the chance of a fresh start in a loving, stable adopted family who have no doubt yearned for a child (if he/she is weeks old, I can't imagine they'll hav trouble placing him/her?), rather than play a part in condemning him/her to a life of being pulled from pillar to post by a mother who clearly cannot cope with the responsibility of having a child?

Even if you could grow to love the child, as you quite rightly point out, you will be "aunty", not "mum". You could be setting yourself and your family up for a fall if and when SIL decides she wants involvement/wants the baby back.

Any family pressure you get regarding this is entirely unfair. If those who will pressurise you won't take the baby in, they should shut up. And besides, all ill-feeling should be reserved for his mother for doing such a p!ss poor job. I appreciate that it may be hard, but this isn't your responsibility.

sueeve

I think your no is absolutely right simply because it won't work. The children are removed from her care and it would be your task to enforce that until the child is an adult. Don't be distracted by the possibility of some disorder, it doesn't change the fact that this is just not feasible. Good for your Mum, she's clearly there to support you.
No No No

pigpen

Personally I feel only you can make this decision.. You can still have your own child too.. 3 children isn't so bad.

think of it another way.. How would you feel knowing your neice/nephew was being adopted? Would you regret your decision to not take the child?

Your sister obviously thinks you would do a good job of raising her child..

I would take it.. as my sisters/brothers child it would be close family and I couldn't bear the thought of it being elsewhere. My uncles 2 children are in the system and we are trying to get them out so they can live with another uncle (the uncle who is their father died a year ago) we desperately want them but it is so difficult.

You need to think very carefully.. and OH needs to make more of an input than saying he will do what you want.. that isn't helping.. what would he do if it was his sibling? Get a sitter and go out together and talk about this properly .. or once dd is in bed.. you both need to express your feelings on this.. otherwise in 10 years time you have a child with disabilities and he turns round and says well you wanted this not me... don't let him cop out of the situation or decision!

You could adopt it and you would be mum and you will love the child as your own eventually.

lauren_1

Personally I would give it a really good go with trying to look after the child than to send him/her in to the care system HOWEVER a few things really stand out, the child was removed from birth, this isnt a decision to take lightly and there must have been a real safety issue. Is the mother safe to be around children and will social services allow contact? You may well be put in a very awkward position.

tattycath

I think it sounds like your SIL thinks it's a way of her being close to the child as opposed to thinking you'll be a good mum-that's not to say you wouldn't be, but i suspect ulterior motives on the part of your SIL. If the child were adopted, SIL would not have the same input. Whereas she can put you under pressure-because you're family. Personally i don't think i would want that kind of pressure and would be tempted to not take the child in...that said, I don't know if i would want a child in my family put up for adoption if i could look after him/her. It is a difficult one and i'm now in 2 minds as to what i'd do... I'd be tempted to establish rules on the 'if i take the child in' and possibly some kind of legal thing drawn up so that SIL can't drop in on a whim, pressurise you in other ways...that might be the way to go...
Good luck, hope i've given you food for thought if nothing else.

epsilondraconis

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

I guess what I'm looking for is advice. I know this may split people and I may get some backlash from people who cant have kids or who have been trying for a while and I truly am sorry if this upsets anyone, But i simply dont know what to do.

Quite the opposite. Wife and I have been trying for 9 years for children and no luck. If I were in your position, I wouldn't feel it was in the best interest of you or the child.

Not being morbid, but if the SIL passed away, then that would be a different story; however as it stands, I wouldn't be in favour of it.

Good luck...

skylight

What a position to be in.

If I were to take the child in, there would be a strict system with SIL whereby I would refuse her permission to see the child. Point blank. If SS have taken the child from birth, there is a real, strong reason for that and one that cannot be taken lightly. You may find that SS will refuse to allow permission for her to see the child anyway; I bet she isn't allowed to see the others. And does SIL see the baby now that's with foster parents? I suspect not.


Or refuse and allow the child to be adopted with parents who will love and cherish it. And without the "Aunty", "Mother" stuff going to confuse it. It will be difficult enough for the child when its older as it it.

But I concur with the talking to OH about it. Openly and very deeply. Because this isn't a short term proposal here, this is for life.

clairec79

That's what I thought when I read the OP episilondraconis.

If she had died in childbirth/afterwards I'd take the child like a shot but in the situation you describe you wouldn't be that baby's mother and she's trying to get round SS and keep her baby through you

elvis86

tattycath wrote: »

I think it sounds like your SIL thinks it's a way of her being close to the child as opposed to thinking you'll be a good mum-that's not to say you wouldn't be, but i suspect ulterior motives on the part of your SIL. If the child were adopted, SIL would not have the same input. Whereas she can put you under pressure-because you're family. Personally i don't think i would want that kind of pressure and would be tempted to not take the child in...that said, I don't know if i would want a child in my family put up for adoption if i could look after him/her. It is a difficult one and i'm now in 2 minds as to what i'd do... I'd be tempted to establish rules on the 'if i take the child in' and possibly some kind of legal thing drawn up so that SIL can't drop in on a whim, pressurise you in other ways...that might be the way to go...
Good luck, hope i've given you food for thought if nothing else.

Unfortunately I imagine that the implementation of such "rules" would not be within the OP's remit (more likely implemented by social services etc), and the enforcement/policing of such arrangements would be nigh-on impossible if SIL was intent on dropping in and family were putting pressure on the OP.

I would urge the OP not to put herself and her family into this situation. Lets remember, the fate that awaits this baby should she refuse, is not one of being abandoned or stuck in a Romanian orphanage or workhouse. Likelyhood is that the child will be fostered or adopted by a loving family, able to care for him/her better than his/her own mother could. The OP has nothing to feel bad about by refusing. The criminals in this are the parents, pure and simple.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

ELVIS86 - The father is my brother - He's not allowed child either.

PIGPEN - Its not the number of kids - Sorry I should of put this in OP. I have a weak spine, Doctors have told me to try for a child now as in XX years they cant say if my back will hold. I couldnt have this child and carry on trying - I know myself I would struggle to cope with 3 kids under 5. So it really is a choice, one or the other. Can't have both

LAUREN_1 - There was an issue with saftey, but with the added genetic disability in all children (they cant test the baby as its too young) Social Services removed the children from care. It's been to court, there's a 99.9% they are losing them, they've been told to submit alternative carers in 2 weeks. They do have access but can not be left with kids. SIL has said if i get the child she'd expet weekly access if its convienant.

TATTYCATH - I think you see it the same as me. She's still have cobtact and some degree of control if I had the child than if it went into care. I think its partly selfish on her part (and I can agree, I'd like to have my DD near if i was in that situation but i'd never get binto that situation if that makes sense?) My mum asked why I didnt want the child and I explained that I couldnt raise the child as a aunty, I'd have to be mum (I think it would confuse my DD as to why I'm "mum" to her but "aunty" to other - DD is only 3) and what happens if one day im disicplining child (naughty step! not talking smacks!) and SIL goes above me or disagree's with me? We'd end up arguing and it would snowball. Knowing my family they'd pick sides and that's it - whoie family arguing.

I'd definitley have it legally that I'd be carer/mum or whatever but I dont think that would stop SIL trying to interfer. They live pretty close too so its not as if i'd only have them around once in a while