Do I have SIL's child? **AN UPDATE**

mummyplus3

Gosh what a tough situation. I think for myself I would probably take the child in but work with social services to make sure that SIL is kept at a distance for the considerable future. I do think like others have said that you and your OH need to really talk about it.

If you stick with no would there be anyway you could have temp custody untill a suitable adoptive family is found? I don't know if thats even possible but i think I would like to know where the child was going to and a way to keep "in touch" to a certain degree.

lauren_1

Is there a reason why the other family member couldn't take both of the remaining children?

ameliarate

I am so glad I am not in your shoes but if I were I think I would have to take the child as I couldn't bear knowing that a niece/nephew of mine was in care and might end up staying there, but would have to agree with mummyplus3 on this "I think for myself I would probably take the child in but work with social services to make sure that SIL is kept at a distance for the considerable future". If the child is quite young I would imagine it would be relatively easy to bond with him/her. Your OH sounds very supportive and if he is really ok with this and there is no reason why you and he shouldn't still try for your own baby then I would say go ahead.

Whatever you decide I hope it goes really well for you.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

Sorry just seen some more replies:

Skylight - As it stabnds, the rest are with their dads and no, they wont get contact. They'd see the other child which is with another family and are wanting to see this one also. At the moment they all go to a contact centre once a week. They just arent allowed to be left with the children.

Clairec79 - Thats how I see it also - Thank you (thought I was only one!)

Elvis86 - It is only SIL putting pressure on, I dont have a relationship with my other Sister (who also, wont have the child) and my mum agree's with my decision although I suspect shes disappointed. I dont think I could physically stop the child seeing SIL - unless we move, which will disrupt my DD!

OH struggles because he feel's selfoosh for saying "no, I want "our" own" which is the same as me I guess. I feel awful for turning my back on this child in favour for my own (I hope that makes sense)

epsilondraconis - lastly, I just wanted to say thank you for your reply - I've had backlash when talking to friends about this as one is like yourself and has been trying for years. She marked me as selfish and said i shouldnt care who the mum was! which was why I was worried about putting it on here.

LAUREN_1 - Other family member couldnt cope with 2. Theyll, like me, havent seen the baby so have no bond. Other child is 1 and we have had some contact so have more of a bond.

AMELIARATE - The problem with that is SS have said they can be around the children but supervised. It would be down to me to enforce a "no contact" rule and can you imagine the uproar that would cause? this would lead to argumements that I dont want my DD to be subjected to

elvis86

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

ELVIS86 - The father is my brother - He's not allowed child either.

The poor child, I can't see many benefits to maintaining contact with parents like these.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

PIGPEN - Its not the number of kids - Sorry I should of put this in OP. I have a weak spine, Doctors have told me to try for a child now as in XX years they cant say if my back will hold. I couldnt have this child and carry on trying - I know myself I would struggle to cope with 3 kids under 5. So it really is a choice, one or the other. Can't have both

If taking in this child prevents you from trying for a second child of your own, your first with your OH (and possibly prevents you from ever having another child), that's another big reason to say no. Not only is it unfair on you and your OH as this isn't a problem of your making, but you and/or your OH may end up resenting the child you take in.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

TATTYCATH - I think you see it the same as me. She's still have cobtact and some degree of control if I had the child than if it went into care. I think its partly selfish on her part (and I can agree, I'd like to have my DD near if i was in that situation but i'd never get binto that situation if that makes sense?) My mum asked why I didnt want the child and I explained that I couldnt raise the child as a aunty, I'd have to be mum (I think it would confuse my DD as to why I'm "mum" to her but "aunty" to other - DD is only 3) and what happens if one day im disicplining child (naughty step! not talking smacks!) and SIL goes above me or disagree's with me? We'd end up arguing and it would snowball. Knowing my family they'd pick sides and that's it - whoie family arguing.

Why can't your mum offer to take the child in if she's so bothered?

And if you can already forsee that by doing this amazingly generous thing, rather than earning the respect and gratitude of your family, you would open yourself up to pressure and trouble because they're the kind of people that "argue and pick sides", it makes the idea even more unappealing.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

I'd definitley have it legally that I'd be carer/mum or whatever but I dont think that would stop SIL trying to interfer. They live pretty close too so its not as if i'd only have them around once in a while

You'll never get rid of her. She had her chance with her kids (countless chances probably, knowing social services' seeming reluctance to remove kids from unsuitable families), and she blew it. She doesn't deserve for you to risk messing up your life and that of your OH and child, just to help her.

Lara44

In my OH family, his Aunt had a breakdown and could no longer cope with her kids. Both were up for adoption. My OH Nan could only cope with one of the two children, and so she adopted her daughter. The child is now a lovely lady with adopted kids of her own. She called her Nan 'Mum' and her real Mum 'Aunty'. This worked out well. (Apart from the boy who was adopted, as it was a double rejection for him. Although they made contact this was not able to be maintained )

If I were you I would definitely take the child, but put some serious ground rules in place so that I was the Mum figure and not SIL. Her behaviour has meant she no longer has the privilege of being the primary carer. This arrangement can't be a situation where she still gets to be 'Mum' but you do all the work. That would be terrible. I think even the most unconventional families can work well together. Good luck with your decision, it's a really difficult one and I think everyone would understand and respect your decision either way.

onetomany

if i was asked i would do it on condisions that the sil only gets letterbox contact as the baby gets older you can say ur his mum but he also has a tummy mummy but i only think it will work if there isnt any contact from sil my frend has adopted 2 boys butonce year they meet up with there boilogial brothers who have also been adopted and they no they have a tummy mummy out there please make sure u get advice from ss on this one as someone pointed out there is a reson she has had them taken away from her also are you sure shes safe around your little girl?

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

Am I being naive with the whole care thing? a lot of you seem to think its the worst of the worst?

I have a friend who was adopte at birth and had a wonderful life, he refuses to trace his birth parents.

I'd assume/hope it wouldn be the same for the baby?

katerinasol

I don't have any children, but I may be able to offer advice from a more balanced perspective?

From what I've read, it sounds like you already know what the best choice for you to make is. Your SIL seems to be putting pressure on you to take the child so that she can still see it - and if s/he got taken away at birth, there must be a pretty good reason as to why she's not allowed to do so!

Additionally, you say you want children of your 'own', and I know how you feel. It sounds stupid, but for example, when I moved in with my boyfriend, he had a cat. Me and the cat got on and I liked the cat, but then we adopted a kitten and I'm much more attached to it than the older cat because it's 'mine' if that makes sense? I don't think your feelings will change as time passes, especially not with your SIL coming round all the time.

It's really unfair that they're pressuring you to take it in - don't cave! Like someone else said, if you don't take it and it's put up for adoption, it will be adopted by someone who really, really wants a baby, not taken in by someone because of a sense of family duty. I think by saying no, you will be doing both yourself and the baby a favour.

galvanizersbaby

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

My SIL has had her children removed from her care. Each had different fathers, All other's have gone to their dads except two. One is with a family memeber and SIL would like me to have the other child - Legally/Officially - so that SIL will still have contact. She has a fortnight to submit to social services her choice and i'm the only one in the family who could have the child otherwise the child will go into the system and be adopted. Child is a few weeks old. I've not even seen the child (removed from SIL at birth by social services) so have no bond with the child.

I currently have 1 DD and we are trying for another (It has only been a few months though of trying so am not pregnant) SIL knows we are trying and see's this as a "you want a kid - have mine!"

Whats making the decision difficult is There is a chance this child might have a mental disability (they cant test yet as too young ??) I know my SIL will not back off and let me be a parent to this child no matter what the courts say/put in place and i think that will cause problems. SIL is also saying she wont come around unless its "convieniant" for me - But i have a horrible feeling she will be here constant and I dont want that. It would unsettle me, the child and also my DD.

Half of me is screaming to take the child as, after all, it's family.

Other half is yearing for "my" child.

Some of you may already know this is something i've been thinking about for a bit now. I said no to SIL as I dont think I could cope having her in my ear all the time and this would divide the family but She's been nagging me and wearing me down and now I'm half and half.

OH say's he'll support me no matter what I decide but I know he would like a child of his own (DD is not his although he treats her as his) and to be fair, I'd like my "own" and this child will never be "mine" (Think of "normal" adoption - That child has a "mum" and a "dad" where as I'd be "aunty" with "mum" and "dad" visiting)

Mum's just been, she said SIL is on her way to "discuss things" - Mum's already told her to stop pressuring me as I'd already said no.

I could support the child (Other wise i wouldnt be trying for my own!) but its the whole maternal thing - That child will never be mine and I couldn't bring it up as my own

I guess what I'm looking for is advice. I know this may split people and I may get some backlash from people who cant have kids or who have been trying for a while and I truly am sorry if this upsets anyone, But i simply dont know what to do.

Hi OP - what an uneviable position to be in your words I've highlighted in bold say it all really.
From what you've posted so far it sounds to me that it wouldn't be in the best interests for your family or the child if you were to take them in