Dispute between Childminder and husband

Errata

I'm truly sorry you've found yourself in such rotten place over this incident, life can't be very nice for you just now. It seems that your OH has painted himself into a corner over this, has dug himself into a hole and can't stop digging.
Although I made jest of his "man enough" comment because it's quite a bizarre thing to say under the circustances, there is a more serious side to it. How likely is it that he would have kicked off at the CM and reduced her to tears if she'd had a male 6 foot 16 stone fit as a fiddle OH/partner/relly/friend standing next to her? Quite a remote chance, I would think. Perhaps "man enough" only means that when he's faced with a weaker adversary.
The fact that he sulks doesn't mean he can't communicate, it means he choses not to but expresses very clearly his displeasure and unwillingness to engage. That's known in the trade as passive aggression and is abusive of others; the perpetrator can put their hands up and say "I never said a word that you can throw back at me, it's not my fault - it's yours".

pozalina

elvis86 wrote: »

You need to insist that he discusses this properley, and that he knows that you're not happy with not only what happened, but with how he is dealing with it now. I appreciate that it may be difficult for this not to escalate into a row, but sometimes a row is neccessary and a means to an end.;)

Well as I said above, I raised it again this morning and after saying he'll apologise next week he said 'you've be en going on about it for 4 days. I've already told you I was wrong to shout'. To which I said that it wasn't me he needed to be saying that to. In a discussion with my SIL (who is quite impartial and also loves us both) she has told me I 'over-egg the pudding and split hairs', so I am conscious that I may be nagging without actually getting closer to a solution. I am not sure if it is my assertiveness skills which are at fault or his pigheadedness.

Pollycat:

the fact that he shouted at the child minder is bad enough, but I think what's making it worse in people's eyes is:

1. his annoyance at you for paying her when he thought she didn't deserve payment
2. his refusal to apologise in a timely manner but instead deciding to wait until he actually sees her face-to-face - which will be a week after the incident

I know I said he was displeased that I paid her but he wasn't actually annoyed, he just disagreed with the principle. I agree 100% with your second point.

gordikin

He 'lost it' because he's a lazy SOB and failed to get your children to the CM on time? He should be crawling naked on his knees over broken bottles with a flower bouquet up his jacksy begging forgiveness and offering an extra weeks money to boot. Is your name Kerr? At best your OH is Plon...otherwise he's called Juan.

Pollycat

Fair point, Pozalina, you did use the word 'displeased' in your first post.

And I'd just like to say how well you are taking all these comments/criticisms.

Your first post was just asking if people thought you were wrong to pay the child minder even though your OH didn't think she should be paid and, 9 pages later, here we are!

gordikin

Pollycat wrote: »

Fair point, Pozalina, you did use the word 'displeased' in your first post.

And I'd just like to say how well you are taking all these comments/criticisms.

Your first post was just asking if people thought you were wrong to pay the child minder even though your OH didn't think she should be paid and, 9 pages later, here we are!

I do sense there is more to this than Pozalina has said. She, I suspect, needs support.

Pollycat

gordikin wrote: »

I do sense there is more to this than Pozalina has said. She, I suspect, needs support.

Maybe, maybe not, Gordikin.

The OP seems pretty straight and says that it's not something that her OH does on a regular basis.
In fact she said she's still shocked about it in one of her posts.

What do you think she's not telling us?
What support do you think she might need?

consultant31

Fang wrote: »

Your husband is a !!!!!!. He should send the childminder a huge bunch of flowers and a card apologising for his disgusting behaviour. He also sounds incredibly jealous of the other family who are more successful than his. He's lucky that he wasn't arrested frankly.

How ridiculous! I wonder what the police would say if you rang them saying a man had shouted at you and you wanted him arrested. For goodness sake, some people must be very delicate and faint-hearted.

He shouted at her, it was very wrong, but I'm sure neither the police, social services or any other agency would have the slightest interest in becoming involved.

OP, I don't envy you, you're stuck in the middle of a situation not of your own making. I definitely think you did right to pay her and buy her flowers. Perhaps it would also be worthwhile for you to keep her in the picture about what your husband has said on the matter to date. I know it's not your place to make it easier for him, but it may help you keep this particular CM on your side if, indeed, you want to keep her.

Good luck

catfish50

pozalina wrote: »

Well as I said above, I raised it again this morning and after saying he'll apologise next week he said 'you've be en going on about it for 4 days. I've already told you I was wrong to shout'. .

Your husband's comment seems eminently reasonable.

You've paid the childminder, she's agreed to stay, you've gained a new appreciation of her value, your husband has accepted he was wrong to shout at her, he's said he'll apologize -- it all seems to have been sorted out. Let it go, move on, lessons learned etc.

pozalina

slyracoon wrote: »

I think you are very lucky to still have a childminder.

Childminders have a duty of care to the children they look after and must do all they can to protect them from being in or witness to an abusive situation. My partner is a childminder and if any parent is abusive to her in front of other minded children she will immediatly give them their notice. She cannot take the risk that it might happen again.

Pollycat wrote: »

Just because another parent has shouted at her doesn't make it right for your OH to do the same.

I have been thinking about this. I was quite surprised at cm's reaction, i.e. she's forgiven him, she wouldn't serve us notice etc. But then I was surprised to hear cm allows the mother of the other family to speak to her the way she (frequently) does. She swears at her and does not apologise. She frequently expects cm to bend over backwards and accommodate her (out of hours too). I always thought of our cm as a strong woman who wouldn't take sh*t but now I am I am a bit worried about her really. It's as if she expects it from parents

sjc3

gordikin wrote: »

He 'lost it' because he's a lazy SOB and failed to get your children to the CM on time? He should be crawling naked on his knees over broken bottles with a flower bouquet up his jacksy begging forgiveness and offering an extra weeks money to boot. Is your name Kerr? At best your OH is Plon...otherwise he's called Juan.

:T I love it when people say it like it is :T