Dispute between Childminder and husband

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Your OH really is a complete c0ck, isn't he?

So he is going to put her on the spot again by 'apologising', which means it doesn't really count in his eyes any more? Load of bullocks. At most he'll make some excuse about 'last week - if you had just listened to me, none of it would have happened. Anyway, it's in the past now. I'm off to work now.' More likely, he either has such a deviated outlook that he still thinks she made him scare her or he is just too much of a chicken to apologise earlier and is hoping she won't mention it, thus getting him off the hook again. The fact that she could well be too scared to say anything to him in case it sets him off again is kept pretty quiet.

Does he appreciate that he is the one who should have to leave employment to look after his kid if she tells him to do one? After all, it's not your fault he's screwed up so spectacularly, so you shouldn't have to give up your job if you don't want to. And could he manage to earn enough to make up for the loss of your salary if he puffs up like an offended bullfrog and says he couldn't possibly lower himself to looking after children?

****

I am not perfect, but I would never dream of losing control and intimidating someone in that way, certainly not in the workplace - it would be gross professional misconduct even if they allowed the breach of the peace and threatening behaviour to fall by the wayside. Instant P45 time.

Bet he wouldn't have done it if she had been a bloke bigger than him.

Fek kin bullying coward.

sjc3

I think your husband is risking your childminder telling him that she no longer wishes to look after your children. He hasn't accepted how out of order his actions were, by leaving it a week to apologise. After the way he behaved an instant apology was required. To say sorry after a week shows no concern for how he must have made your cm feel, or realisation that he shouldn't have shouted.

Pollycat

Aliasojo
I think your post #162 on the subject of blind loyalty and 'backing someone to the hilt in public regardless of whether they are right or wrong is really good and echo my sentiments exactly.

aliasojo

Thank you Pollycat. I'll pay you later...PayPal ok?

bargainbetty

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

Whilst I think the shouting and overall behaviour displayed by the dad in this situation was completely unacceptable and inappropriate, I also think some people on here are over reacting in their mention or hinting at the OP getting out of this marriage, calling in social services, labelling him as a bully and so on. This is a single incident which the OP has said is atypical.

While I agree with this, you should be aware that to behave as he did, shouting at her until she burst into tears, in front of a child, was not only idiocy, but illegal. Under Section 5 and 6 of the Public Order Act, it is an offence, punishable by fines and a criminal record to use threatening or intimdating words, or to act in a manner which causes, or is likely to cause, harm or distress.

Your man needs to think about his actions. Either he takes responsibility for his own behaviour and apologises properly, or tell him he can go out calling new childminders, interviewing applicants and redoing all the school permissions etc. Why should you clean up his mess?

warehouse

pozalina wrote: »

Oh dear, I've just tried (again) to address the delay in apologising and ignoring her text. Received short shrift and was told 'If I'm man enough to shout at her I'm man enough to apologise to her face' (next week!). Won't accept the term'abusive' either. Sorry, I'm just giving further fuel to those that would string him up

O.P. you come accross as a really nice person and I do feel bad for you being put into this lose lose situation. However that reply from your Husband proves that the man is an utter coward. I've said my peice more than once on this thread so time to bow out, but I hope you can somehow find a way out of this situation without making life worse for yourself. Good luck.

Caroline73_2

pozalina wrote: »

Oh dear, I've just tried (again) to address the delay in apologising and ignoring her text. Received short shrift and was told 'If I'm man enough to shout at her I'm man enough to apologise to her face' (next week!). Won't accept the term'abusive' either. Sorry, I'm just giving further fuel to those that would string him up

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

Yes but why does he have to wait until next week to do it.

It may be too late by then.Is he prepared to accept the consequences of that situation? i.e no childminder

sjc3 wrote: »

I think your husband is risking your childminder telling him that she no longer wishes to look after your children.

There is no reason why Mr Pozalina should wait until next week to apologise. If he is 'man enough' to apologise face to face he should have done that straight away.

If I was the CM I wouldn't accept the children next week. I would have taken the verbal bashing as notice.

pozalina

bargainbetty wrote: »

Your man needs to think about his actions. Either he takes responsibility for his own behaviour and apologises properly, or tell him he can go out calling new childminders, interviewing applicants and redoing all the school permissions etc. Why should you clean up his mess?

I have already told him he will be the one organising a new cm if necessary. As a pp said, I can't apologise for him, I can't make him do it now, but I can refuse to do the search for another cm. I will certainly not be changing my hours of work to accommodate him if we end up with no cm - he knows he will be doing that.

Having followed a few threads on here I can see how someone's oh may end up looking like a criminal/abuser/nasty piece of work etc, but of course posters are only focusing on one issue that relates to their oh's negative side. I have not seen many threads posted just to say something wonderful about their oh. Again, I know he was totally out of order in what he did but he does not go around shouting the odds at everyone he meets or abusing us at home. It was such a rare and unexpected incident that I am still in shock over it really. He definitely has some issues over communication, and finds it hard to accept when he is in the wrong, but usually sulks rather than shouts.

elvis86

pozalina wrote: »

I have already told him he will be the one organising a new cm if necessary. As a pp said, I can't apologise for him, I can't make him do it now, but I can refuse to do the search for another cm. I will certainly not be changing my hours of work to accommodate him if we end up with no cm - he knows he will be doing that.

Having followed a few threads on here I can see how someone's oh may end up looking like a criminal/abuser/nasty piece of work etc, but of course posters are only focusing on one issue that relates to their oh's negative side. I have not seen many threads posted just to say something wonderful about their oh. Again, I know he was totally out of order in what he did but he does not go around shouting the odds at everyone he meets or abusing us at home. It was such a rare and unexpected incident that I am still in shock over it really. He definitely has some issues over communication, and finds it hard to accept when he is in the wrong, but usually sulks rather than shouts.

Pozalina, I'd try not to let some of the more militant posters get to you. Only you know the intimiacies of your relationship, and as you say, this seems to have been a one-off incident where your OH has just lots his temper and acted unacceptably (which, despite what some on here would seemingly have you believe, the vast majority of us do at times).

What I think you maybe do need to do, is work on communicating with your OH. Sending a text and getting a curt response from him isn't how a couple should be communicating, and shouldn't be seen as the end of it. If you "can't make him apologise", then are you really going to be able to "make" him burden the responsibility of finding a new CM if this is necessary?:(

You need to insist that he discusses this properley, and that he knows that you're not happy with not only what happened, but with how he is dealing with it now. I appreciate that it may be difficult for this not to escalate into a row, but sometimes a row is neccessary and a means to an end.;)

Pollycat

Pozalina


the fact that he shouted at the child minder is bad enough, but I think what's making it worse in people's eyes is:

1. his annoyance at you for paying her when he thought she didn't deserve payment
2. his refusal to apologise in a timely manner but instead deciding to wait until he actually sees her face-to-face - which will be a week after the incident

It sound like you've done everything you can to persuade him to apologise sooner.
You can take a horse to water but.......