Stripper Opinions - but fear I may regret it.

iamana1ias

I'm female but have a male way of thinking about things, especially relationships. Here's how I see it (some of this may be a bit blunt, but it can't be helped).

OP, your husband is unhappy in your marriage. It's clear that you are too, given the amount of time/number of threads you post detailing your latest niggle. You admit you spend all of your time with your friends moaning about your husband. I bet they love you! You have a tickbox list in your head of what makes a good wife/husband/marriage, which seems to differ somewhat to your husband's.

He is probably still annoyed about the financial mess you both got yourselves into, and the reduction in lifestyle that came afterwards in order to sort the issue out. Now, if he wants a takeaway he knows he can't have one. You 'letting him' have nights out, time down the pub do little to solve the issues if - as I suspect - you nag and moan at him when he gets home. You appear to be a very neurotic woman, unhappy with herself and therefore all around her. You want your husband to worship you, and he doesn't.

You clearly have no balance whatsoever. You work, look after the kids, cook and service his needs in the bedroom, allowing him time off to do whatever he likes. You consider that he should be grateful for this, but you obviously harbour resentment for his 'easy life' in the face of your own.

I wouldn't be surprised if he isn't questioning your relationship, and has been for some time. His time out shows him how life could be as a single man, without that ticklist and without the constant nagging. His attempts to invite himself on a stag do he isn't invited to, and to steer the proceedings towards a strip club are because he wants to put himself in a bubble for an evening, away from you and the kids, the money issues and the nagging, and see himself as a single man again. It's not about tits or sex - he's needing and looking for an escape (even if just for a few hours).

euronorris

So, how does the OP move forward, towards a resolution?

I really think that counselling will be required here, otherwise I can see the pattern repeating itself. OP is frustrated, tries to talk to hubby, but hubby is already feeling nagged and wanting space so goes off to pub, OP gets more angry and sits at home seething, hubby comes home and then there's a big row. Nothing gets resolved because far too much is said in anger, and so repeats the cycle.

OP, unless you can both figure out a way of talking and resolving these issues yourself, without tempers flaring, then you really need to see a relationship counsellor. Someone neutral who can tell you both to calm down when required, and help you to both discuss your points of view objectively and move forwards. Otherwise, I fear you will just keep repeating the pattern until the problems become too big to fix. Or that the resentment builds too much to be resolved.

melancholly

hmm.... strippers on a stag do? not exactly novel or interesting, but not surprising. my OH has certainly been to strip shows (and i'm sure much worse on a stag weekend in amsterdam!), but it's just something that happens. if he spent every weekend out on his own paying women to take their clothes off, or all night on the internet looking at !!!!!!, i'd be concerned. a couple of occasions when a group of boozed up men go to a strip bar isn't anything to get massively upset about, or upset about at all. it's something a lot of men want to do at least once, and there's rarely an appropriate time to suggest it apart from a stag do.

i'm lucky - i trust my OH - he can go away on a stag do and quote 'the law of the stag' so i can't know what happens and i know he's come home to me and will have been faithful. otherwise we wouldn't be together. (i also happily made comments about daniel craig in swimming trunks when that bond film was on the other week and no harm was meant or was taken!).

i think this is one to let go - if for no other reason than even knowing about it looks like snooping. i have no idea how to get into OHs facebook account or email (or actually, if i'm honest, how to work out how to find anything in his phone as it's far too complicated!) - we just have trust and respect each other's privacy. even when you're together, not everything has to be shared. i'm still an individual!

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Honestly, the OH sounds like a bit of a tos-spot. Especially when he sulks for days and then goes out and gets drunk.

Strippers, I couldn't give two hoots about - but the attitude towards women working as dancers, !!!!!!, stinks. It reduces them down to the level of raw meat. Real men don't 'nail' anyone, least of all on the basis of the job they do. Does he have such a fundamental lack of respect towards all women? Is he quick to dismiss anyone as a tart or slapper if they annoy him?

I truly suspect that you know this is going nowhere. That despite his knowing how much you dislike something, he makes a point of going out and doing it. That he uses alcohol - which is never a justifiable expenditure when you're a bit skint - to punish you. After all, if there are money issues, the last thing he should be doing is trundling off to the pub and stag nights or trying to book strippers or prostitutes. No decent man would do that when it took money away from the children. Especially as well as taking away his OH's independence as regards money.

It's up to you, OP - do you really want to continue living like this, knowing that he isn't going to change, that he doesn't want to change and that he's going to continue this sulking and ignoring and going out and getting paralytically drunk when there isn't the money and punishing you for his stupidity (an iPad?) but refusing to accept any responsibility for his own actions?

He's not going to change - what are you going to do?

andrealm

I wouldn't be that bothered about strippers but I would be bothered by living with someone that spent 2 days sulking because he didn't want pancakes and who expected you to spend the entire day doing housework to his exacting standard, even if this meant your child missing playgroup.

Amber07

I think most people have that line that they don't expect partners to cross, and from reading this thread, there is a lot of different ideas of where that line should be!

If you were at a party, and you found your OH in a small room with a completely naked woman on his knee getting him turned on, would you class it as a form of cheating? I would, so paying for it to happen or passing it off as 'boys will be boys' doesn't make it any better or acceptable.

OP, sorry to hear there are more problems. I really do think you guys need relationship counselling. It seems as though recent events have dimmed his level of respect for you to an extent. I would not have been happy reading comments like that. The fact he is deliberately trying to encourage the others to do this as opposed to just going along with other people's plans does not bode well.

There is nothing wrong with !!!!!!, etc in a relationship as long as both partners are in agreement. If it becomes one hiding things from the other, carrying on in secret that's when it becomes a problem and indicates a lack of respect.

On the other hand, you can't expect your partner to NEVER look at another person in their life. I'd rather he looks at page 3 as opposed to going to see a real life pair

purplegirluk1

Just to add my thoughts. My ex, father of my son wanted to go to a bar that had topless dancers and I was dead against it. The idea of him being it that kind of place really upset me. In fact he is going there next week, his current girlfriend must be letting him! I made him sit outside and call me while they went in! This was because I didn't trust him. My current boyfriend told me about a stag do he had been on in Amsterdam and it didn't upset me at all. If he said he was going to a strip club I would be fine with it because I trust him 100%.

Torry_Quine

Any wrote: »

It was a commen to Tory Quinn who made it feel into something to be ashamed of. If he can generalise why can't I? Opinions like his are in my opinion even unheathy, and no wonder people have issues with bodies if they are brought up like that. In my opinion only of course.

I have no issue with people who don't want to see friends body, I am deffending why some do by the way.

And no idea where did you come from where I said anything about RoxieW being strange. At all.

You took the whole thing out of context..

Actually I'm a woman. Bodies are not something to be ashamed of but should be kept private and protected.

melancholly wrote: »

hmm.... strippers on a stag do? not exactly novel or interesting, but not surprising. my OH has certainly been to strip shows (and i'm sure much worse on a stag weekend in amsterdam!), but it's just something that happens. if he spent every weekend out on his own paying women to take their clothes off, or all night on the internet looking at !!!!!!, i'd be concerned. a couple of occasions when a group of boozed up men go to a strip bar isn't anything to get massively upset about, or upset about at all. it's something a lot of men want to do at least once, and there's rarely an appropriate time to suggest it apart from a stag do.

i'm lucky - i trust my OH - he can go away on a stag do and quote 'the law of the stag' so i can't know what happens and i know he's come home to me and will have been faithful. otherwise we wouldn't be together. (i also happily made comments about daniel craig in swimming trunks when that bond film was on the other week and no harm was meant or was taken!).

i think this is one to let go - if for no other reason than even knowing about it looks like snooping. i have no idea how to get into OHs facebook account or email (or actually, if i'm honest, how to work out how to find anything in his phone as it's far too complicated!) - we just have trust and respect each other's privacy. even when you're together, not everything has to be shared. i'm still an individual!

We have complete trust in our relationship and have no need for anyone outside such as strippers.

suited-aces

It's quite ironic, but the gf told me before a recent stag do that if it led to a strip club, go ahead and don't feel guilty because she trusts me. Lo and behold, they all went to a strip club for a few hours early in the evening. Thing is, it was the same time as a united match, which was being shown in a nearby pub, so there was only one option for me!

jinty271

Surely if the OP does feel uncomfortable, her OH should understand and respect her feelings and not partake in viewing of strippers? If she has esteem issues, he is bound to be aware, and I can understand why she may feel uncomfortable with him looking at these ladies, who usually are slim and attractive- and his attempt at secrecy would be upsetting for her. We need to remember that we are not all as liberal as each other, and some people do cringe at the thought of nudity and such like.

Just for the record... I went with my son to a lap dancing class for his 21st ( only cos all the pubs had shut and we wanted more beer ),...

At the birth of my 4th child the doctor had to ask my best GF to get her head out the way so he could continue with the delivery - we see nothing sexual or disgusting about being naked in each others company I regularly sit on the edge of the bath while she's in there, when we are getting ready to go out- We are best friends of 17 years, and have never felt the need to ravish each other !
I am no prude ! Hubby and I will sit and watch !!!!!! together if the mood takes us ( never have managed to get to the end of a film though! ) , and I have no concerns about him heading off on " boys weekends" . But that is me / us/ my family/ my friends.

If it upsets the OP, and the OPs OH knows this, then I can understand her distress.