My wife wont talk about having a family

onlyroz

I also have a husband that "helps out" - I don't think he consciously thinks that it should be my job, but it is always me who gets the kids ready for school, and it's always me that has to get up at 7 AM at the weekends while he sleeps in until noon. I'm sure if I directly asked him to get his !!!! out of bed then he would, like a shot, but I really don't see why I should have to ask. To the original poster - you really will have to do more than "help out" if you want your reluctant wife to feel happy about bringing a child into the world.

sueeve

A very sideways thought, but if she gets weepy rather than talk about it do you think that she could possibly suspect that there is some medical reason why she suspects she can't have children, and she doesn't want to say it? Or does she not want to admit the fear of giving birth?

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Or is it that she is still immature, and the beginning to cry make you feel like you're picking on her, so she isn't psychologically ready to not be the baby?

January20

skintchick wrote: »

Gosh, you really ARE a dark lady aren't you? I think the OP is just responding how most men would - when they say 'help out they truly have no idea how offensive that can be! My OH says it all the time and doesn;t see whay it makes me mad, whereas my female friends all understand that it's because 'help out' implies it's all my job and responsibility!

When my child was little and I worked nights my now ex-husband used to say he was "babysitting" for me (and then used it to bargain nights out in the pub whether we had money or not :mad:) You cannot imagine how angry it made me (well, I'm sure you can) and nearly 15 years on I am still very resentful of this!

I think a lot of men don't realise how much of a sacrifice it is for a woman to have children: it starts from conception when your body is not really your own anymore and you have to be careful about everything you eat and drink to the rest of the child rearing years which the majority of people in today's society still view as "woman's work", to how it affects your career prospects, every aspect of your life really.


PS: OP you have asked for opinions. You are getting them. Some people will be very sympathetic of you. Some will not. There is no need to respond so agressively to those who don't agree with you. If this is the way you respond to your wife when she says she doesn't want a child, well.... no wonder she cries to avoid the confrontations!

FBaby

I don't think posters are fair to bring up the issue of OP being prepared to be a dad. It's easy to talk once you are a parent, before is the unknown and it is easy to say things that come out wrongly. The issue here is not his ability to be a good dad but why his wife falls apart everytime he brings up this issue.

ball_park_figure wrote: »

She said that having a family with me was a final commitment and she didnt know if she wanted that. She told me to back off and give her some space to think.
TIA

OP, I am going to be totally honest and I don't think your situation looks good. You've been married for over 6 years, 18 months ago she was considering leaving you and then she tells you that she didn't know if she wanted a final commitment to you. If that is how she felt then, and things are not much better now, it sounds like having a baby together should be the least of your focus at the moment.. If after 6 years together she is questioning being committed to you forever, something is not right and that's what you should get to the bottom off. You need to know where she stands with her feelings so you can decide what you want to do. It is not fair on you to be asked to hang around for months if the reason why she does agree to have a baby is because she is not sure she wants to spend the rest of her life with you. I think you deserve to have better answers from her about what is going on rather than her just falling apart and leaving you even more clueless.

mrs_marty

I think you both need to have a brutally honest conversation and if you have to go to mediation/counselling to do that then so be it. She might never want children if that is the case can you live with her without children.

She just may not have the desire to be a mum, or is she scared to be a mum as life does completely change your whole mindset does alter and if she has fought hard to be succesful in her job she may not want to let it go i.e. flexi working/part time/missing out on promotions etc (I'm not saying this is the case one single bit but she may have that in her head - loss of personal identity) How long ago did she send the texts to her friend if it was fairly recently then she is quite right to say no to children just now, as children are not a band aid solution

If she cries so be it, tears will not make the issue disappear.

You may want to suggest counselling to 1. reassure her your marriage is worth fighting for and will be stable and 2. fully air the children issue.

When I fell pregnant with my eldest daughter I was doing a job I really loved and was doing really well with it, however our marriage wasnt strong. After I had her I wanted to go back to the job I loved but the reality of the job and going back to work just didnt work, I worked in transport and had to start extremely early so the job was no longer viable. I really resented my now ex husband as he just couldnt see how and understand how lost I felt, not to mention scared that I had lost me forever. That resentment grew, and other issues creeped in, we had another child but divorced a year later.

Now know that's not the case and for me no job now could ever top being a mum and love my new identity - granted my new husband has made me feel that way and we have a wee one of our own, because he is the right someone for me. The point I guess Im making is if you push and she caves in then resentment really is very powerful and seperation is horrible on chidren, so you both have to really think long and hard.

Hope you find some way forward.

scooby088

I think the issue of you both wanting different things she doesn't want kids but you do. Either there is a compromise or i can't see any happy endings. I speak from experience here my ex wanted to have children with me but i always explained i didn't want any children with anyone let alone her, she knew this but hoped to change my mind but it didn't. So i just ended the relationship on those grounds..

ball_park_figure

Thanks for all the replies, and I can take the critisim as well. And this is only my side of the story as with 99% of the posters on forums.
I think Mrs Marty has talked a lot of sense in her post. I think counselling could be a good help.

I also think in the cold light of day and having thought it through, things are not as bad between us I first implied. Problems yes but there are certainly worse things in the world. We will sit down and discuss this.

I will read all posts with interest but I perhaps cant comment too much due to availability of a computer and my 750 pregnant hormonal ladies have started lambing!

Thanks for the helpful comments

Gingham_Ribbon

ball_park_figure wrote: »

Well what can I say to that. You can think what you like about me I dont care, but thats not really my attitude at all.
After a bit of background on our situation. I was really asking opinions about how we moved forward and discussed this in our marriage.

January wrote:

There is no need to respond so agressively to those who don't agree with you. If this is the way you respond to your wife when she says she doesn't want a child, well.... no wonder she cries to avoid the confrontations!

:eek:Have I missed something? I haven't noticed the OP being aggressive, nor did I spot anything to make me think that he's responsible for his wife's tears.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

ball_park_figure wrote: »

.

I will read all posts with interest but I perhaps cant comment too much due to availability of a computer and my 750 pregnant hormonal ladies have started lambing!

Thanks for the helpful comments

[bpf instantly rises in estimation, as anyone who delivers lambs would]

Perhaps you see giving birth as a natural, fairly simple thing, whereas she doesn't?