My wife wont talk about having a family

sjc3

In a good relationship communicating with each other and talking things through shouldn't be an issue. You are her husband, the main person in her life who she should be able to turn to and discuss anything with. Same as you should be able to chat to her and tell her how you are feeling about anything that is on your mind, without fear of her having a meltdown or rejecting you.

I would calmly sit down with her and say how you feel about her and your life together. Then tell her straight how you feel about the future and the way you see your life together being. Ask her clearly how she sees it and whether children will ever be part of it. If she starts to cry stay calm. This time though dont back down. Let her calm down and then keep going.

You may not get the answer you are hoping for but you will now where you stand and can make a decision from there. They way things are at the moment it seems like a very unbalanced relationship.

I wish you luck

balletshoes

ball_park_figure wrote: »

Yes I understand the implications of having a family and I would try my best to help out with everything.

bearing in mind that your wife doesn't seem to want children at all, I think you need to change your mindset from the one above to "I'd be quite happy to do everything and be the childs primary carer". If a woman doesn't want a baby, she won't want to be full time mum either (and whether she works some of the week or is a SAHM, its a full time job, no time off).

January20

dark_lady wrote: »

OP the way you phrase things worries me . I will try my best to HELP OUT with everything as much as i can. You make it sound like it would be out of the goodness of your heart but you would be the father and therefore bringing up the child too not just helping out. Do you see child rearing as womans work deep down? So you are definately not prepared to be the childs primary carer then!! If you do see child rearing as womans work perhaps you have been giving your wife subliminal messages to this effect and so she knows she will end up doing at least 90% of the work.
Perhaps shes getting upset because the blinkers have fallen from her eyes and shes seen things for what they really are. Perhaps she doesnt want a lifetime of poverty and struggling while staying at home looking after a kid that YOU wanted because you dont want to give up work and be the primary carer to look after a child that YOU wanted in the first place. After all she is on the higher wage. YOU are the one who wants a child but then YOU are the one who does not want things to have to change too much for you. And people are inferring that your wife is the selfish one.:mad:

I've picked up on this too. I can imagine that the lady in question perhaps already feels a great deal of responsibility on her shoulders being the main earner, having a salaried job as opposed to her husband who has a self employed job.

It's obvious she is not 100% happy with the relationship (text to friend - was it an accident the husband saw it or did she want him to I wonder?) I would really like to know more about the day to day happenings in the household. Does she work longer or shorter hours? Does she take on the majority of household chores etc? What about hobbies, etc?

The OP's wife may not want a child because she feels she cannot rely on her to provide for the family. Or she may fear that she will have to go back to work full time and still be the main carer for the child and be responsible for the household.

It's hard because - as always - we only have one side of the story.

dark_lady

Seems ballet shoes and i are on the same page. But i have a nasty feeling that the OPs attitude to his wife is "I want a child but i dont want to sacrifice anything or change my life too much so wife you can do the work and the sacrificing". What if they had a child and then God forbid something happened to the wife! Makes me shudder just to think about it.

ball_park_figure

Well what can I say to that. You can think what you like about me I dont care, but thats not really my attitude at all.
After a bit of background on our situation. I was really asking opinions about how we moved forward and discussed this in our marriage.

suited-aces

Where exactly did you get that from, dark lady?

ossian

ball_park_figure wrote: »

Yeah we didnt really discuss it a lot. With hindsight we should have. I think we both agreed that it would be something we would regret later on in life if we didnt have a familly. I wouldnt say she was that maternal though. I am trying not to criticise her.

Although discussing is a good idea I wouldn't assume that it means as much as people are suggesting. My brother loves kids, found a girl who said she loved kids as much as him, married her, and she immediately changed her mind and said she loathes them and being near them makes her feel sick. He is heartbroken.

The other thing is the not everyone gets married so they can start a family. I loved a girl who didn't want kids. Married her and a few years down the line both of us decided we did want kids and now love our son.

Tish_P

Ask if she will talk to you with a counsellor present. That way, if she's worried about feeling pressured or nagged, there'll be someone there to make sure that doesn't happen and defuse things if they get heated.

It does seem somewhat daft of both of you to have got married without having a fairly in-depth conversarion about whether, when and how many kids you wanted, but hey ho - everyone does daft things. Hope you find a solution.

(PS "To be normal" and "to make a commitment" are both absolutely terrible reasons to have kids, IMO.)

dark_lady

Ball Park Figure you are still avoiding the question. Would you be prepared to be the primary carer? I think its the fact that you are trying to avoid this question and instead making comments like I would be prepared to "help out as much as i can" that is making some of us think the things we do.

skintchick

Gosh, you really ARE a dark lady aren't you? I think the OP is just responding how most men would - when they say 'help out they truly have no idea how offensive that can be! My OH says it all the time and doesn;t see whay it makes me mad, whereas my female friends all understand that it's because 'help out' implies it's all my job and responsibility!

Anyway, OP, I think you really do need to sit your wife down and make her talk about this. If she gets upset, maybe say something like 'I realise this is an emotional issue for you, but it is for me too, and I need to know where we are going on this, because I want kids, and if you really don't, then we need to talk about that. I'm not asking you to get pregnant tonight, just to talk this through with me' or whatever works for you.

I'm not going to offer my opinion, but I'll offer you two stories of people I know.

Person one. Female, age 37, never wanted children, her partner doesn't either, neither wants to get married but been living together over a decade. They have gone travelling and suddenly she has decided she'd like a child, of not her own then an adopted one. Lesson? People do change their minds.

Person two. Male, 39, has always wanted marriage and children. Is also a difficult person to get on with full-time. Found a partner, they live together part-time, retain their own homes as well as a joint one, it works for them. She is older, doesn;t want kids, won;t get married unless it's a completely quiet 'just us in jeans and strangers for witnesses' affair. He has accepted that in order to have love in his life, he will have to forgo marriage and kids. Lesson? People do compromise, even on major things.

These are two people I'm very close to, so although I'm summarising I do know the situations well and it's acccurate. Take from them what you will, but do talk to your wife. It's the only way you will move forward on this, whichever way you end up going.