My wife wont talk about having a family

dark_lady

You still havent answered Older not Wisers question. Would you be prepared to do ALL the donkey work of having children. As in give up work. (by this i also actually mean do the housework while your home looking after the child er just like a wife would so she doesnt come home to a tip.) By donkey work i dont just mean nappy changing, i mean clearing up sick, dropping everything when the school rings telling you theres a problem and you need to come in NOW. Loud music, temper tantrums, sneaking out, backchatting, they dont stay babies you know.
Are you sure you are not forcing this baby issue as a means of controlling her. After all if you feel you are losing her you may feel she is less likely to leave you if she is pregnant. A pregnant woman is much more vulnerable isnt she.
I am not being nasty. Its just a thought. Ive seen it happen time and time again. A friend of mines ex wanted her to have six kids by the time she was 30 just so she wouldnt leave him.
So think very carefully. Is it really a baby you want or is it control over your wife.

sjc3

The question is how happy are you really with your wife? Is she who you definately want to spend the rest of your life with and be the mother of your kids. Only you seem to spend alot of time walking on eggshells round her and worrying about upsetting her. Thats not a happy relationship to be in.

My husband would despair if I didn't take his feelings into account over something so important. He would find it very odd if I got upset and cried when he raised the subject of children or anything else important to him. Thats not the way adults behave. She is acting like a stroppy teenager who only really has her wants and feelings at heart. She doesn't seem to show any concern about how you feel. Bizarre way for a grown woman to behave.

I really dont get the comment she made about kids being the final commitment. Is she not fully committed to you yet then despite being married 6 + years.

Start looking at it from another angle and decide what you really want from the future.

paddy's_mum

ball_park_figure wrote: »

wont talk about it

it seems like she is getting further away from me.

she was thinking about leaving me

She said that having a family with me was a final commitment and she didnt know if she wanted that

I don't believe this is anything whatever to do with having a child. At rock bottom, it is a relationship issue and it is that you have to deal with, tears and upsets or not!

Part of her reluctance to talk about the issue may be because she doesn't want to twang the strings of your insecurity (the comment about being less exciting than her colleagues is a powerful indicator of your state of mind) but equally, she is behaving in a way that I can see only as cowardly. It's almost as though, in her thinking, you're walking together through life for the next few years ... in short, you'll do for now - and that is completely unfair and hypocritical.

You have two options, it seems to me. You either let the whole matter drop and hope that the marriage can continue to muddle through or you drag the issue by it's hair out into the open and hope that the two of you can salvage something from the wreckage of some utterly straight and honest speaking.

In your shoes, I'd be insisting on knowing where I stood since I don't believe anyone can build anything substantial or worthwhile based on a tissue of half truths and evasion. Good luck.

dark_lady

You say your wife is over 35. Do you know that the statistics for having a child with Downs Syndrome is much higher over the age of 35. If you and your wife have a baby and the child did have special needs would YOU yes YOU be prepared to be the childs main primary carer for the rest of your life. Can you honestly say you wouldnt walk away and leave her to it. And whether special needs are involved or not, what if something happened to you. Your wife will then be left alone bringing up a child she never wanted in the first place. Not fair to her or the child.

dark_lady

In your first post you say you are both 34. Then later you say she is over 35. Could this be another persona being used by andyandflo,Worried wife etc

Foggster

dark_lady wrote: »

In your first post you say you are both 34. Then later you say she is over 35. Could this be another persona being used by andyandflo,Worried wife etc

To be fair to the OP, she could be 35 next week for all we know. A small error of one year is hardly enough to accuse him of being another poster.

dark_lady

Well thats not really my fault. Because andyand flo commited cyber suicide and keeps coming back under different personas. Perhaps if this site got their finger out and dealt with him some of us wouldnt be so suspicious. Apologies to the OP IF i am wrong.

Asianchick

From a wife's point of view, I agree that having kids are a much bigger commitment than getting married.

You and her would be bound together forever, if you had kids and then got divorced. Also, who wants to bring kids into a marriage which is already having problems.

I dont think this is a case if her giving you the impression that she wanted kids before you got married and then changing her mind. If that was the case, then I would be angry at her but it's not.

I have been married 7.5 years and will not have kids with my husband until I can see that he wants to/is able to look after the whole family. I am not saying he must be a millionaire but the desire to put his family first, must be there and it's not and I will not bring kids into this mess. They dont deserve it.

I, too, am the main breadwinner and I resent my husband for this sometimes. I may be young but I believe that a man should strive to be able to support his family on his income alone so the wife can look after the family, if she chooses.

He's had chances to up his income but his selfishness has stopped in and I have told him that until he bucks up, there will be no kids.

Call me old fashioned but hey.

ball_park_figure

Hi thanks for all the replies. Sorry for the delay. Where do I start!!

We are both 34 this year. Sorry for the typo- I think was generalising about womens fertility and age.
Yes I understand the implications of having a family and I would try my best to help out with everything. I know thats easy to say sitting here but nothing fazes me- been there done that with my illness etc. We are very close to a lot of friends with kids.

My own business is full time in the summer but less so in the winter, but flexi time either way. I earn less because we are trying to build it up and expand.
Perhaps it is more a relationship issue between us. Although I think the 2 are connected. I never really got to the bottom of why she might leave just that she wasnt sure about us and if she wanted a family with me, and I should give her time to think it over.

I dont go round checking up on her- just sometimes my insecurities are fed by her lack of affection towards me, and an experience in a previous relationship.
I am not trying to control her or force the issue for her, I just want to try and move forward and discuss it like adults.
Perhaps we have been too guilty of doing our own thing since getting married- I dont mean going out on the town- just work etc. Its easy to get into a rut.

Sorry I am not very good at this, and trying to gather my thoughts here.

Jinx

I think if the OPs wife crys anytime the subject comes up then shes either avoiding the issue by using waterworks or its such an emotive issue she cant help herself.... The thing is you can give someone a tissue and work through the tears to a calmer conversation - you dont necessarily have to give up due to someone being in tears.

When my hubby and I want to have a proper chat, we 'book' time together - so for example he works shifts, so he may say 'on Friday night can we review our finances... you cook, I'll bring in some wine.' Sometimes we just have the wine though lol I have to say for me, finances have been very emotive in the past as I have debts and I have got upset, but as I said you can just get past the tears, a hug and a calm manner help a distressed/upset/mortified wife!

Maybe asking her in advance when you can get some time together to discuss this would help set the tone?