My wife wont talk about having a family

ball_park_figure

Hi, I would just like some advice.
My wife of 6.5 years doesnt really want children and wont talk about it. We are both 34 and it seems like she is getting further away from me.
About 18 months ago I read a couple of txts she had sent to a female friend saying she was thinking about leaving me. I was shocked at this and we had a lot of discussion about our relationship.
She said that having a family with me was a final commitment and she didnt know if she wanted that. She told me to back off and give her some space to think.
So I did, I gave her plenty of time to think things over and our life carried on. She is the main earner in the house which causes her some resentment I think. I am self employed and earn less. Although we own a nice house, no mortgage or debts and about 27k savings.

Since the begining of this year, I have tried bring up the question of family again but she wont talk about it and just gets all upset with me. She says she loves me, and I love her and think the world of her.
Its difficult when all our friends have kids now, and the final comitment thing keeps going round my head, especially when she is away for a couple of days with work
Its getting me a bit down wondering if I am wanted, and sometimes wonder if it is because I am not as exciting as her work mates.

TIA

tanith

Did you not have a discussion about a family before you got married? Just wondering if this something your wife has just decided or if she has always thought this way..

ball_park_figure

Yeah we didnt really discuss it a lot. With hindsight we should have. I think we both agreed that it would be something we would regret later on in life if we didnt have a familly. I wouldnt say she was that maternal though. I am trying not to criticise her.

Plans_all_plans

I too am astonished that you can marry someone without having spoken about wishes for a family. I really do think marriage preparation classes are a great idea.

Are you prepared to stay with your wife without children?

If not, I think you need to have a discussion with your wife telling her this. I think she is being very unfair on you, but on the bright side, if all's well with you biologically then you'll be able to have children for quite some time yet.

What is this ridiculous thing that "having kids is the final commitment?" FGS, so wonder so many marriages in end in divorce: getting married is the commitment, not the kids. Anyway, if you really want kids then leaving your wife may be the only way to go about it. HOWEVER, I'd recommend a relationship counsellor before you mke any rash decisions to see if you can both come to see the other's point of view.

thorsoak

To me, it woud appear that you should be having The Discussion now! If having children is of paramount importance to you, and not to her, then it would seem that you could well be coming to the end of your relationship.

If she doesn't see herself ever as a mother then it would be extremely foolish to try to persuade her to have a child - it could well set the seal of doom on your marriage.

Far better for both of you to cut your losses now. You could then - hopefully - find somebody that you could settle down with and raise a family, and your OH could also settle in a non-child relationship.

Are you prepared to live in a relationship without ever being a father? That is as important a point, as to ask if she would be prepared to have a child. Both valid points of view - neither right nor wrong - apart from the perspective of the two people concerned.

Good luck with your discussion.

ellay864

Agree with the other posters. Sad as it may be, if she know longer feels she wants a commitment to you then you need to sort that out. And even if she wants you, if she feels that you're desperate for kids and she can't commit to that, then maybe a separation would happen for that reason. I really hope you two can sort it out so it doesn't come to that. But if she doesn't want kids the worst thing in the world you could is 'talk her into it' and bring children into the world hoping that will make your relationship better and give you something to commit to. You said 'I think we both agreed that it would be something we would regret later on in life if we didnt have a familly'...that sounds to me like it was left pretty vague and maybe she now really doesn't feel it is something she wants. You really need to talk, it almost certainly won't be easy, and there is a chance that things don't turn out as you'd like, but you can't carry on in this way with you hoping and her feeling down becuase of it.
Good luck x

Alikay

I agree that kids are a huge commitment, but surely marriage is the big life-long one? If she's worried about the commitment of 20 years or so raising a child, how does she feel about another 50+ years of marriage (assuming you both live into your 80's)? It seems like she has too much power in the relationship.......maybe she does earn more, but that doesn't give her the right to make unilateral choices which affect both of you and refuse to discuss them.

The bit about texting a friend about leaving you sounds very worrying. Is she just biding her time until she has the courage or opportunity to leave? In which case, how do you feel about possibly being left in your 40's/50's without ever having the family you'd hoped for?

balletshoes

For what its worth, I agree with your wife - having a child together is, in my opinion, more of a commitment than having a marriage certificate or joint deeds of a house.

In your original post you said your wife doesn't really want children - so with that fact in mind, I really wouldn't worry that she doesn't want to stay with you and isn't happy with you. She can do both without having children with you.

But having said that, if you both haven't fully discussed already what your thoughts are regarding having children, you at least need to tell her, even if she doesn't want to discuss it. Could you write it down in a letter to her? Don't put pressure on her, especially since you already seem to know that she doesn't really want children at all.

ball_park_figure

Thanks for all the replies. I think we do need to talk about this, but it is very difficult she gets upset when ever I try. It is always me that initiates the conversation which makes me feel bad/ like the one that is causing the heartache.
If we dont talk, I can see this year going past the same as the last with her saying little about it.
I had testicular cancer when I was younger, so fertility on my side is not a given (though should be fine) (or her fertility over 35 for that matter)

Yeah I think I do want to be a father. Almost all our friends got married at the same time and now have kids, and it seems like a normal thing to do. Although I realise all the work involved with a family etc.

Any ideas how I can go about talking to her about the subject

gratefulforhelp_2

From an anecdotal point of view, I'm afraid that often in this situation, when the pair splits up, one or both of them find they do want children with their new partner.

So...the hard question you need to ask is "Do you not want children at all, or do you not want children with me then at least you can make your own decision about whether you can live with that, and cut your losses if that's what you decide to do.

Good luck.

Oldernotwiser

If you were to have a child, would you be the one to stop work to raise it? If so, does she realise this?