My wife wont talk about having a family

tanith

I think it'll come to the point where you have to ask her outright the question as one of the previous posters puts it... at all, or with me?? then it will be up to you to decide if you can live with the answer... You can round and round talking about it but in the end that question has to be answered or you could waste another few years of your life waiting for her to decide or change her mind.. don't you think its better to know now so that both of you can get on with your lives wether that is together or apart.

ball_park_figure

Thanks, I suppose its the fear of it all ending. I hope not. That could be why she doesnt want to talk about it...
Anyway we (I) cant go on with all this indecision for another year. I dont think that is being unreasonable. We will have to have the conversation again at some point

ellay864

ball_park_figure wrote: »

I had testicular cancer when I was younger, so fertility on my side is not a given (though should be fine) (or her fertility over 35 for that matter)

I'd suggest you don't make a big thing of her fertility over 35 if you do have the discussion...she'll be well aware that the older you are, the harder it may be to conceive. But, aside from the fact none of us women want to think about the fact we're getting older, if you use that as a reason for making her think about having kids it will just come across as pressurising her. Plenty of women do have kids with no problems at all when they're older...a work colleague is delighted to find herself pregnant at the age of 46. The issue needs to be about you two and your relationship with each other...notcoming down to having kids while there's still a chance you can

ball_park_figure

Thanks for all the replies. Getting my thoughts down help.

I suppose the long and short of it is we need to have a difficult discussion about this and what we want.
The problem is I have done that before and never really get an answer. Just tears from OH and me feeling bad.

ball_park_figure

Yes we get on fine in our relationship together. Its just there is always this thing in the background about a family that wont go away.
I want a family and my wife cant talk about it and tell me what she wants/feels about it. I feel if we dont address this now we will be having the same conversation when we are 40.

The easy way is do nothing and not to have kids. If you know what I mean.

Plans_all_plans

You need to come to a decision in your head about the issue: are you prepared to live without children? Also, are you prepared to take a chance you'll meet someone else and be able to have children with them and leave your wife?

If you really feel you must have children, then you need to tell your wife that you need a final decision within x amount of time. I know an ultimatum sounds drastic, but you cant carry on as you are now.

To me (and I know it sounds harsh) it sounds as though your wife isn't 100% happy in the relationship anyway. The 'final commitment' thing really rings alarm bells with me. It doesn't sound so much as though having kids is the issue by that comment: more that she doesn't want to be bound forever to YOU by children.

I would recommend that you go to Relate with your wife in a last ditch attempt to find a mutually acceptable resolution.

faithcecilia

Has your wife always said she doesn't want children and you have just hoped she would change her mind? Its a really hard one, but I have in the past had to end a relationship with someone who wanted a family as I have known for a long time I don't. He would say he understood, but the talk about 'when we have a baby' etc. He admitted he had hoped I would change my mind.

Maybe you need to think whether you have done this? And is there anything you feel you could do as a compromise if you wife confirms she doesn't want children fullstop. Ever. With anyone. Do you have friends with kids who appreciate an extra 'uncle'? Or do you think you could both accept a dog or cat in place of the baby you desire? Or maybe you could start helping ar Cubs or Scouts, etc?

HTH

belfastgirl23

I feel for you here, it's a difficult situation when one partner wants a child and the other doesn't

But I would just say to you that I'm not entirely convinced that what you want here is a child. Yes your friends are having children and it seems like the 'normal' thing to do. But that's no reason to do something. I kind of think that she is right, you're seeing kids not for their own sake but as a way of becoming 'normal' and of solidifying the relationship. But bringing a child into an already unsure situation is not fair, to you, to her or ultimately to the child itself.

I understand the time pressures but I think at this stage you really need to 'park' the idea of children and work on the relationship for its own sake. I also think you need to really consider what having children means in a relationship. It means that she will always put someone else above you for one thing, and you're already feeling vulnerable. Even strong relationships struggle to cope with this.

Sorry if I'm sounding a bit harsh here. But as someone who has chosen not to have kids, I've seen this time and again with friends of mine. They're unsure about having kids, their husbands are all gung-ho because it's what people do. Then when the child arrives the husband is totally shellshocked by what it actually means to have a child and retreats from all but the chores that they absolutely can't get out of leaving the wife feeling really upset and shellshocked herself. Nothing about this situation seems attractive to me. Maybe your wife feels the same.

The other thing you could do is really get involved with a newborn child, say if a close friend or family member is about to give birth. Convince both yourself and her that you can do this and want to do this, despite knowing what it's like at close quarters.

Good luck!

Mojisola

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

If you were to have a child, would you be the one to stop work to raise it? If so, does she realise this?

I wondered if she was hating the idea of having to take time off work and be responsible for child-rearing.

In your discussions, have you ever raised the idea that you could be the stay-at-parent. Some women (who luckily for them have very easy pregnancies and deliveries) take very little time off work.

Would she resent being the breadwinner in the family? Could you cope with it?

Foggster

Can I ask what the texts were about, where she said she was thinking of leaving you. Did you ever get to the very bottom of these? I would be more concerned about these then the fact she doesnt want to start a family with you. I would also stop feeling guilty about her getting upset when you start talking to her about starting a family, I keep reading that reaction as stalling tactics and now she knows you back off when she gets upset, it could be her way of dodging the topic when you start.

Sorry but you are now into your 30s and from what you are saying have successfully worked and earned a good living, its not like you are naive teenagers with little life experience. I would therefore say that she isnt going to change her mind anytime soon and maybe the key is the question that someone else has suggested, does she never want children or just doesnt want children with you.

You sound like a great bloke who has handled this as best you can but you also have a life and you want a family but this woman is not wanting to give you this.