older independent son problems

nuttywoman

Red Devil, i have the same with my son so i know exactly what your going through . Love to you xx

nickyhutch

Have you written to him yet?

If this were me, I'd be parking myself outside any address he was using until I saw him and would sit down and have this out.

My heart would be breaking.

Spirit_2

My brother is manipulative and selfish. In her final few years he took money and gifts from my mother but did not so much as send her a card.

He is an addict, ,my mum could not see it and tried repeatedly to redeem him or cover up his shortcomings. In doing so she enabled him.

OP as your son keeps you at arms length but seeks to influence others to his advantage it may be worth considering if he has any dependancy issues.

Look after yourself first.

red_devil

VfM4meplse wrote: »

Not really, it's borne of the expectation that kids will leave home as soon as they are grown. They may want their independence, but they're not mentally mature enough to deal with having to fend for themselves and this can lead to feelings of isolation and feeling like no-one cares, let alone that they are anyone's child. Yes the OP's son is grown up but we all have expectations of our parents, that they love us unconditionally and will be there for us always. Leaving him alone was probably the worst thing that you could have done OP, he may well have been in trouble and needed his mum, but what's done is done.

This kind of situation just doesn't happen in cultures in which generations of families live together, ok the interference can be a real pain in the backside, but younger generations have a real regard for their parents, parent's parents etc.

I would like to see a silver lining of this dreadful recession - young people may not afford to join the housing ladder, but staying with their parents for longer should not only enhance this adult parent / child relationship, but also help equip them for dealing with life better when they do eventually flee the nest.

Hi,

If you read the latest post i havent left him alone. I have continued to send cards even though he has not. I have suggested meeting a few times this year but it dosent come to anything. I have also recently asked for his latest address to which no reply. I only know as i say because he told my mum when she rang him and she passed it on to me.

motherofstudents

I remember reading your thread earlier in the year and I'm so sorry that you are no further on. It must be the most painful feeling and you don't deserve it. Maybe if you write a letter to him you can just ask what the problem is, whether he will reply is anybody's guess but at least you will know you have done everything you can and maybe it will get through to him to see it in black and white. I would suggest that if he doesn't respond, that you just keep in contact with him by text so that he knows you are still there for him. I can't understand what is bothering him. Most young men are terrible at keeping in touch but obviously there is more to it than that. Try to remember you have done nothing wrong, you have been a good mum to him and it's not your fault. One day he might realise but in the meantime I think it would help for you to be kind to yourself, try to find nice things to do which are just for you. I really do feel for you and I hope that you will be able to get to the bottom of why he feels like this.

nuttywoman

Spirit wrote: »

My brother is manipulative and selfish. In her final few years he took money and gifts from my mother but did not so much as send her a card.

He is an addict, ,my mum could not see it and tried repeatedly to redeem him or cover up his shortcomings. In doing so she enabled him.

OP as your son keeps you at arms length but seeks to influence others to his advantage it may be worth considering if he has any dependancy issues.

Look after yourself first.

Thats what it is with my son, he`s an addict Everything is everybody else`s fault , he fell out with us the other week because we see his daughter 15months, he sees it as siding with his ex .
It breaks our hearts but there`s nothing we can do about it It does affect me and his dad, i over eat cos i`m stressed out all the time so i`ve piled a load of weight on , his dad has heart problems etc .

VfM4meplse

red_devil wrote: »

If you read the latest post i havent left him alone. I have continued to send cards even though he has not.

With respect sending a card not enough. A Jewish / Indian / Italian mother would have forced herself back into his life whether he liked it, or most probably didn't.

Tough love is what's required here. He's acting like a child; you need to go in as a parent, hard. You know where he lives now, pay him a visit and don't budge until you get some answers, drag him back to yours for Christmas if you have to! Refuse to take no for an answer. He needs to experience a loving environment once again and you need to make him see the advantage of having a caring family.

red_devil

VfM4meplse wrote: »

With respect sending a card not enough. A Jewish / Indian / Italian mother would have forced herself back into his life whether he liked it, or most probably didn't.

Tough love is what's required here. He's acting like a child; you need to go in as a parent, hard. You know where he lives now, pay him a visit and don't budge until you get some answers, drag him back to yours for Christmas if you have to! Refuse to take no for an answer. He needs to experience a loving environment once again and you need to make him see the advantage of having a caring family.

I dont know where he lives. The address given was an address to collect post from not where he is living. I do not have transport either and we are not in the same town so not so easy as you say.

To work long term it definetely needs to be a 2 way thing.

BitterAndTwisted

red_devil wrote: »

To work long term it definitely needs to be a 2 way thing.

Well, of course it does but at the moment you only have the one-way thing. The only resource you haven't tried is the thing that was suggested months and months ago but you haven't done it yet and I cannot for the life of me understand why that should be.

Please write to him and pour it all out about how important he is to you and how very, very much your are suffering because of his absence from your life. Please. You have absolutely nothing left to lose. Please do it

VfM4meplse

red_devil wrote: »

To work long term it definetely needs to be a 2 way thing.

A parent's love should be unconditional. Either you want him back or you don't.

Stop making excuses. If you are as hurt by this as you seem to be, the only remedy is to be proactive. Someone, somewhere knows where he is, so with the right will, I wouldn't have thought that finding him would be impossible.