older independent son problems

Tish_P

I think Mojisola's hit the nail on the head - he hasn't realised that communication is now up to him as much as you and still expects his mummy to call him in for his tea, metaphorically speaking. Point this out kindly and/or tell him to bleedin' well grow up, depending on how well you think he responds to direct criticism.

Savvy_Sue

MIL phones every Sunday evening. If she hasn't rung by 10 pm, I worry that something might be wrong.

I don't contact my own boys as often as that, just keep an eye on them on MSN and text when I need to, but then I don't think they mind whether I do or not ...

Scotty1.7

I see this from the other side to yourself 1st poster.

2 1/2 years ago I moved out (sort of gently pushed by Mother & Father)

I used to speak to my parents alot, but after the 1st month I gave up because it was a 1 way street.

Like yourself but in reverse basically. It seems they expect me to do all the running around, calling them popping by etc. And to be fair I could do it more there house is on the way home- But I choose not to cause it feels rude to go over unannounced and sort of expect them to be ok about it.

I think last year I saw them 12 times- once a month, and every time I asked, I wasn't asked by them.

I think what your doing is the right thing, and I wish my parent's were like yourself. Having one side doing all t5he running just wears them down and eventually you step back and think why bother, they clearly don't.

The worst thing is the comments when I do go over of 'you can just come round you know' and 'don't wait to be asked', I've gone round once un asked to be told it a bad time come back later.

Its a difficult position, but like I said before keep at it, and then at least your trying- maybe just go round and see him.

red_devil

still no further forward with this one. I spoke to his dad who said he couldnt do much. He has never really been on my side over anything though. I offered to phone son and he said he would phone me but he never has.

I sent him a text tonight asking him if he wanted to meet this weekend and no response. It dosent sit right. There dosent seem to be any reason why he cant be bothered.

I go through feelings of sadness and anger. Not knowing whether to leave it or to keep going? I thought about trying to speak with his stepmum as i know she sees him. i dont know what to say to her though and dont know if i should.

I dont even know if he deserves me to put all this effort into chasing him up.

A friend of mine who dosent have parents that care says it annoys her he dosent bother she would love to have a mum like me who cared?

Oldernotwiser

Drugs - sorry.

red_devil

I dont think so tbh. But i do appreciate reply. His dad has never said anything and i know he sees him!

Rolandtheroadie

Do you have his address?
Know when he's likely to be at home?
Go and chap his door, have a cuppa and find out whats wrong. No texts, no emails, no warning, no third party involvment. All of those can be ignored or passed on badly.

Ames

Ok, just to play devil's advocate and put another side.

When you say you 'keep in touch' what do you mean by that?

For years my parents phoned regularly. But they didn't show any interest in me, just to criticise. For instance, my dad didn't believe in my health problems, so whenever I tried to talk to him about it and he was nasty, it pushed me away. Or when I talked about my interests, like gigs and book clubs, he didn't show any interest or even ranted against them. In the end it just became too hard to keep in touch as much as I should have done.

I've often ranted on here about my parents, they'd be shocked to see how I viewed our relationship at times because they saw something else. Talking and communication are two totally different things.

I'd say it's about quality of keeping in touch, rather than quantity.

Is it possible that you've somehow upset your son without knowing it, like my parents did?

Sorry if I'm being too blunt, I just wanted to show a different perspective.

Savvy_Sue

red_devil wrote: »

I dont even know if he deserves me to put all this effort into chasing him up.

Course he doesn't. But that's not the point.

I think only you can decide whether or not you want to keep going with this, and whether the possible continued rejection is better or worse than the possible continued ignoring you.

I can't see what you've got to lose by contacting his stepmother, TBH. Is she with his father?

Or a good old-fashioned letter, in an envelope with a stamp. "Dear son, when you first moved out I didn't want to make a big fuss about keeping in touch with you, so when you seemed to be in touch less and less I didn't hassle you. I'm sorry if that was the wrong thing to do, and that you thought I didn't care. I've tried since to show that I do care, but you don't seem to get in touch even when you say you will. I don't know what to do for the best, but I do care and I miss hearing from you. Can we try again? Love and soppy kisses, Mum"

red_devil

seems he just cant be bothered with me he is too busy working and partying according to the stepmum and she said there is nothing they can do although she realises its upsetting and not ideal.

There dosent seem to be any good reason given. I dont know why he wants to be horrible to me perhaps i am better off without him.

I text him a few weeks ago and asked if he wanted to meet up there was no reply. I know he got the text as the stepmum said he was away that weekend. He could have text and said sorry i cant make it thats just manners. Surely she should challenge him about things like that.

I wonder if there is something wrong with him i dont know. It dosent seem normal to decide at a young age you cant be bothered with your mum who cares about you. Anyone would think i had abandoned him at birth the way he is carrying on.

Its awful and i dont know any else who has a child like this? I guess I better start getting used to it. I am quite shocked that i bought him up only to be treated like this! He is really turning me off and not inspiring me at all at the moment.