older independent son problems

Mupette

I also think a letter is needed here, recorded delivery signed for if nescessary, so you know he has received it. (or emails so that the email can be sent to others... see further on)

Pour your heart out and tell him how this had made you feel, tell him you don't think you have done anything wrong, and if you have he needs to tell you..

Personaly i would just turn up on his doorstep (good idea on the hotel bit)


Tell him that him telling everyone that listens that you are neglecting him is wrong, when you do the ringing texting and emailing.

Tell him this will be the last time you write/ring/call, if he won't reply. but that you do love him, will always love him and you are always there for him but as he won't tell you what the problem is, you feel there is nothing more you can do.

Take copies, so if he tells other family memeber that you said this that and the other in the letter, you can show them and say no i did not, they will see that it is him and his sillyness.

Big hugs to you, it must be bloody awful to be pushed away like this with no given reason.

I hope he tells you the problem so you can both work at it.

Newgirl_2

Mupette wrote: »

I also think a letter is needed here, recorded delivery signed for if nescessary, so you know he has received it. (or emails so that the email can be sent to others... see further on)

Pour your heart out and tell him how this had made you feel, tell him you don't think you have done anything wrong, and if you have he needs to tell you..

Personaly i would just turn up on his doorstep (good idea on the hotel bit)


Tell him that him telling everyone that listens that you are neglecting him is wrong, when you do the ringing texting and emailing.

Tell him this will be the last time you write/ring/call, if he won't reply. but that you do love him, will always love him and you are always there for him but as he won't tell you what the problem is, you feel there is nothing more you can do.

Take copies, so if he tells other family memeber that you said this that and the other in the letter, you can show them and say no i did not, they will see that it is him and his sillyness.

Big hugs to you, it must be bloody awful to be pushed away like this with no given reason.

I hope he tells you the problem so you can both work at it.

I think this is the best suggestion of all. I know it must be upsetting to have him act this way but I don't think just taking a stance of 'it's him not me' is helpful. That may be so but it's obviously not how he sees it so you have to set out what you expect and will or won't tolerate then leave the ball in his court.

It's sad but true that you can't control how someone else behaves, only how you respond to it.

I wish you well and hope you sort it.

Newgirl

red_devil

I am no further forward with this. I have tried to contact son several times and arrange a meet to talk but he wont commit. I sometimes feel unless i feel something back from him and some contact and suggestion is made by him to meet up there is nothing more i can do. Any thoughts now of contacting him leave me anxious and worried. You dont know if you will get a reply or not and i feel i cant get to see him.

I dont even know his address he is apparantely without an address but using his dads address for post.

I recently asked for his postal address but heard nothing. My mum phoned him and got it for herself for his xmas card although it was his dads address as explained and passed it on to me. Thats not what i wanted. I wanted to hear from him myself. I said to her if he lets you know dont ring me back but she did i want to hear from him. She thinks she is helping but its making it worse.

I have had no card from him again which is hurtful and i veer between wanting to cry and feeling angry? There dosent seem to be any reason for him to be so nasty and rejectful of me no explanation has been given. I sometimes wonder if there is something wrong with him and he needs help to understand why he dosent seem to care and then that makes me sad to think there may be something wrong with him?

I dont know anyone else whose adult son has drifted away and is unpleasant and has no interest? He feels like a stranger and i dont understand why he dosent care? Most people want their parents in their lives dont they unless they have done something really horrible and unforgiveable?

Will be his birthday next month just dont know what to do anymore. I probably need to step back and let him think about me and demonstrate some interest? Arent some of the younger generation wonderful. I would never have treated my parents this way?

There is so much selfishness. Nobody knows how to hurt you like family? I sometimes feel i need to die before he realises how stupid he has been although i dont really want to die if that makes sense?

If anyone had told me it would go this way i probably would have had trouble believing it?

Emmzi

my brother is exactly like this with myparents and in my eyes it is because he is simply selfish to the core. Mum agonises over what she did "wrong", but she raised us both the same, it's just that one of us has chosen to be self centred.

I just wanted to drop by, give you a hug and assure you, it isn't you. I know it hurts. I know you will go through every minute thing in your head.

But it very clearly is not you.

red_devil

Thanks for your words.

red_devil

Emmzi wrote: »

my brother is exactly like this with myparents and in my eyes it is because he is simply selfish to the core. Mum agonises over what she did "wrong", but she raised us both the same, it's just that one of us has chosen to be self centred.

I just wanted to drop by, give you a hug and assure you, it isn't you. I know it hurts. I know you will go through every minute thing in your head.

But it very clearly is not you.

Meant to ask you what does she do on his birthday etc? does she send cards etc?

Emmzi

red_devil wrote: »

Meant to ask you what does she do on his birthday etc? does she send cards etc?

She sends cards, she sends gifts, to let him know the door is always open her side. Once in a while she talks to his wife (maybe twice a year, wife calls when bro is out).

Once in a while he'll remember birthdays etc and send a card. but he hasn't been over the doorstep in about 5 years, even when dad was really ill and we thought we were going to lose him.

Sending the cards makes *her* feel better so she does it regardless. Me, I don't - he's chosen not to be a part of our family. And yet he sends me gifts every birthday etc. Most perplexing. but I've given up working out what goes on in his mind.

RAS

We have one too. I do understand partly why they fell out - it was not as if mum and I were best mates. But basically he is a mercenary little jit (will that get through the checker) and selfish to boot.

The more she tried for contact the more he pulled away. I would just leave it.

BitterAndTwisted

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

He may say 'don't write', but since nothing else is working, I STILL think that a letter is the next thing to try.

In which you say WHY you are writing, WHAT you are finding difficult, and WHAT you hope will happen.

Savvy_Sue suggested writing to your son months and months ago but you don't appear to have done this yet.

You said earlier that his birthday is coming up and that he's using his Dad's address for mail.

Send him a letter and have someone else write the address on the envelope. He'll have opened it and started reading before he realises who it's from so he won't have put it straight in the bin, so the very first two sentences should be the most important.

I have absolutely no idea why you haven't written yet: all other forms of communication have not secured the reason why he has withdrawn contact, if there's any reason at all or actually secured any contact either. It seems the other modes you have tried via intermediaries have only served to muddy the waters.

If you don't write you haven't tried every single way of finding out why he is behaving as he is. Maybe it would be best not to ask for a reason but just to ask for some voluntary contact once in a blue moon. Even writing might not elicit the reason but at least you've tried everything short of turning up on his doorstep. The doorstep you don't know the location of.

WRITE!

VfM4meplse

Twinklebear wrote: »

The selfishness is so hard to get your head around isn't it

Not really, it's borne of the expectation that kids will leave home as soon as they are grown. They may want their independence, but they're not mentally mature enough to deal with having to fend for themselves and this can lead to feelings of isolation and feeling like no-one cares, let alone that they are anyone's child. Yes the OP's son is grown up but we all have expectations of our parents, that they love us unconditionally and will be there for us always. Leaving him alone was probably the worst thing that you could have done OP, he may well have been in trouble and needed his mum, but what's done is done.

This kind of situation just doesn't happen in cultures in which generations of families live together, ok the interference can be a real pain in the backside, but younger generations have a real regard for their parents, parent's parents etc.

I would like to see a silver lining of this dreadful recession - young people may not afford to join the housing ladder, but staying with their parents for longer should not only enhance this adult parent / child relationship, but also help equip them for dealing with life better when they do eventually flee the nest.