older independent son problems

puddy

how do you think he would have described your relationship while he was growing up?

you say 'mid teen' what age is this, 16? where did he go, how did he tell you he was leaving, what was your response?

Savvy_Sue

He may say 'don't write', but since nothing else is working, I STILL think that a letter is the next thing to try.

In which you say WHY you are writing, WHAT you are finding difficult, and WHAT you hope will happen.

For starters, the playing off of grandma against you - I wouldn't have it. My mother does this, tells one sibling what I've done wrong, tells me what they've done wrong. I won't listen, I won't pass it on, I won't play her games, and fortunately my siblings won't either. "Oh I'm sorry you're upset Fred / Freda hasn't emailed you, I expect they've been busy, why don't you get in touch and ask if everything is OK rather than ask me to do it?"

You can also make it clear what you have and have not been saying to Grandma, and ask that if he has a problem he comes to YOU, not HER.

I think if you do that, and still don't hear, or get a load of abuse, you will know what the next step is. And it doesn't include wringing your hands. You may never understand why, sadly, because people aren't that simple.

red_devil

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

He may say 'don't write', but since nothing else is working, I STILL think that a letter is the next thing to try.

In which you say WHY you are writing, WHAT you are finding difficult, and WHAT you hope will happen.

For starters, the playing off of grandma against you - I wouldn't have it. My mother does this, tells one sibling what I've done wrong, tells me what they've done wrong. I won't listen, I won't pass it on, I won't play her games, and fortunately my siblings won't either. "Oh I'm sorry you're upset Fred / Freda hasn't emailed you, I expect they've been busy, why don't you get in touch and ask if everything is OK rather than ask me to do it?"

You can also make it clear what you have and have not been saying to Grandma, and ask that if he has a problem he comes to YOU, not HER.

I think if you do that, and still don't hear, or get a load of abuse, you will know what the next step is. And it doesn't include wringing your hands. You may never understand why, sadly, because people aren't that simple.

thanks i totally agree with you about the ringing her. Sadly she believes all he tells her.

Savvy_Sue

red_devil wrote: »

thanks i totally agree with you about the ringing her. Sadly she believes all he tells her.

Well, if you haven't got and can't get her on side too, then I'd say you have just as big a problem with her as you do with him.

red_devil

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

Well, if you haven't got and can't get her on side too, then I'd say you have just as big a problem with her as you do with him.

lol know what you mean.

I did say to her by the time he phones you back to see what i said he could have rung me:D

candygirl

My OH and his parents live about 80 miles away from each other.It is always him who rings, texts and makes the effort to keep in touch with them:oHis Sis recently got married abroad, and we couldn't afford to go, due to work situations etc, and only a few month notice:(Since then his Mum has been constantly hassling him saying we should've been there:mad::mad:
To be honest in my OH's case a lot of it is about control on his Mums part.She expects him to ring, visit etc all the time, and for her to sit there and be waited on like a Queen:(:(
She is welcome here anytime, but has only been once in a year:eek::eek:
OP keep the lines of communication open, and your Son will come round i'm sure:A:A

Savvy_Sue

red_devil wrote: »

lol know what you mean.

I did say to her by the time he phones you back to see what i said he could have rung me:D

Seriously, I would refuse to discuss anything about your son with her. The message is "If he wants to know anything, he knows where I am. If he wants to know what I want to say, he knows where I am. If he wants to comment on what you said I said he said you said, he knows where I am. I am not going to use you as an intermediary, and I am not going to allow him to use you as an intermediary. HE KNOWS WHERE I AM."

Don't ask after him, don't ask if he's been in touch, don't ask if he's asked after you. He's a grown up. His grandmother is a grown up. You're a grown up. One of you has to start acting like one.

red_devil

i think your right sue i have told her before i dont wish to discuss it but she takes no notice i will be firmer next time.

Savvy_Sue

Yup, be firm. It's not a 'don't wish to', it's a 'won't'. Hang up if necessary!

neverdespairgirl

It must be very upsetting for you.

I speak to my mother on the phone most days - about 5 times a week, and often a text or two as well. We stay with my parents for 3 weeks or so a year, too, and I see my Dad through work several times a week.

I think the letter is a great idea.