older independent son problems

McKneff

Correct me if Im wrong but at the start of him going and keeping in touch to start with, then as time went on and he gave you less and less contact, was thre ever a time when you thought to yourself 'well Ive sent him cards, sent him presents for the past so many years,
he doesnt respond so Im not going to bother' and didnt.
He wont see it that he hasnt sent you cards, it wont have entered his mind, just that you have stopped sending him messages/cards.
so therefore dont care, Im not saying that you dont, just that thats the way he will see it.

My two grandsons are like that, we never get cards, now and again get a very rare phone call, if we invite them to family barbecues we have to go and pick them up in the car and take them home again. Yes, sometimes it is hard work but i would never stop sending them
cards/money for birthdays (ive been tempted) because i would be so afraid they would think we didnt care about them which is what, it seems has happened to you.
My apologies if I'm wrong, just my slant on things from my experience.

RachelS

I think it sounds like you've both got your wires crossed somewhere along the line - I think there's a good chance he's thinking things about your motivations that aren't true, and you may also be doing the same the other way round.

I'm a daughter and a parent and I'm a bit old-fashioned in that I think there are points at which the parent has to take the high road even if the child won't.

He's probably sitting there, albeit wrongly, thinking you don't care. I'd get in touch and tell him you do care, but that you have felt very much lately he was deliberately not getting in touch for some reason, and out of respect for him you left the ball in his court. See what he says and try to respond truthfully but sensitively to it.

What your post clearly says to me is that he has no idea how his failure to be in touch has affected you. This is frustrating but very common for sons his age. He obviously does care...and he genuinely thinks you've let him down. That is infuriating, but at the same time there's no real point you being resentful, because it's only going to make the situation worse. By all means explain, when this has calmed down, that communication goes two ways when you're an adult (I'd try to do this subtly to avoid a defensive reaction on his part), but don't do any guilt trips, and don't criticise him...it will backfire.

Plans_all_plans

I'm wondering the same thing as Ames: have you upset him, even unintentionally?

My mum will surely be bad mouthing me all over town saying that I do not contact her, but it is because she is impossible to talk to. I cannot bear to ring her anymore. I know it sounds terrible, but I seriously can't. Every time we DO speak, we row because there is always something I'm saying or doing that she disagrees with and she wastes no time in telling me! My dad is a living saint, I swear it!

It might be you, but equally I'm prepared to accept he's a selfish so and so! I think you should carry on trying with him, a weekly email asking how he's doing should do the trick. Even if he never responds, I'd carry on, he might grow up soon.

Have you asked him if you've upset him?

RachelS

I'd also add...you know plenty of people who have children who behave this way...they just don't talk about it. My brother is that way, and he loves my parents to the end of the earth. At university, I occasionally had the mothers of my male flatmates call me to check if their sons were OK, because they hadn't been in touch. They were fine...that's just what young single men are like. My husband would have no contact with his family at all if it wasn't for me. He loves them, he just doesn't get round to it. When we got married, at first I thought 'well if he doesn't want to be in touch, I'll leave it, there must be a reason'. I soon realised there was no reason. Now it's me who does the birthday and even mother's day cards, the photos of the grandchildren etc. His family probably know it's me.

red_devil

RachelS wrote: »

I think it sounds like you've both got your wires crossed somewhere along the line - I think there's a good chance he's thinking things about your motivations that aren't true, and you may also be doing the same the other way round.

I'm a daughter and a parent and I'm a bit old-fashioned in that I think there are points at which the parent has to take the high road even if the child won't.

He's probably sitting there, albeit wrongly, thinking you don't care. I'd get in touch and tell him you do care, but that you have felt very much lately he was deliberately not getting in touch for some reason, and out of respect for him you left the ball in his court. See what he says and try to respond truthfully but sensitively to it.

What your post clearly says to me is that he has no idea how his failure to be in touch has affected you. This is frustrating but very common for sons his age. He obviously does care...and he genuinely thinks you've let him down. That is infuriating, but at the same time there's no real point you being resentful, because it's only going to make the situation worse. By all means explain, when this has calmed down, that communication goes two ways when you're an adult, but don't do any guilt trips, it'll backfire.

He knows i care as i said i asked him to meet up but got ignored 2 weeks ago. He has also told his dad and stepmum he isnt bothered about seeing me. He has also said lots of silly things like when i said i would ring him he said no will ring you then he never did. I have done quite alot to chase him up but cant go on forever being knocked back.

Maybe it will take until he is a parent himself to realise how daft he is being? In the meantime while he makes up his mind about me lets hope im still around. I honestly dont think some people realise what a dangerous game they are playing messing around?

RachelS

Your posts are coming across like you're feeling quite sorry for yourself in this situation. That's not a dig...I can understand it and everyone would feel the same way. I've done it myself.

But from an outsider's perspective, it's not going to be that helpful in getting an open and constructive dialogue going with your son.

I guess given the things he's said to his dad and stepmum, it might be worth you asking him non-confrontationally and with an open mind if he has some issue with his relationship with you. It might not be something you agree with, it might not be something that can change...he might not even tell you. But it's worth a go. From my own experience...if he says something you don't like, don't snap at him without thinking it over first.

red_devil

RachelS wrote: »

I'd also add...you know plenty of people who have children who behave this way...they just don't talk about it. My brother is that way, and he loves my parents to the end of the earth. At university, I occasionally had the mothers of my male flatmates call me to check if their sons were OK, because they hadn't been in touch. They were fine...that's just what young single men are like. My husband would have no contact with his family at all if it wasn't for me. He loves them, he just doesn't get round to it. When we got married, at first I thought 'well if he doesn't want to be in touch, I'll leave it, there must be a reason'. I soon realised there was no reason. Now it's me who does the birthday and even mother's day cards, the photos of the grandchildren etc. His family probably know it's me.

aye but my son isnt married or with a partner so do i have to wait until that moment? As i said he said he has made a decision not to bother which i find odd you would be so final and unkind.

Most people want their parents in their lives unless there is something drastic that has happened? I could never dream of saying to my parents dont want to have any contact with you ever again at such a young age. His dad might not be around forever what would he do then come running to me and said i want you now. People dont think like this but i think they should?

red_devil

RachelS wrote: »

Your posts are coming across like you're feeling quite sorry for yourself in this situation. That's not a dig...I can understand it and everyone would feel the same way. I've done it myself.

But from an outsider's perspective, it's not going to be that helpful in getting an open and constructive dialogue going with your son.

I guess given the things he's said to his dad and stepmum, it might be worth you asking him non-confrontationally and with an open mind if he has some issue with his relationship with you. It might not be something you agree with, it might not be something that can change...he might not even tell you. But it's worth a go. From my own experience...if he says something you don't like, don't snap at him without thinking it over first.

i have tried and i would happily speak with him but i cant get to see him or talk to him and he dosent live round the corner so i cant just turn up on his doorstep either.

Savvy_Sue

Look, you've tried texting, and it hasn't worked. You've tried talking to his dad and step-mum, and they've not been much help. (although to be fair expecting his step-mum to get him 'in line' didn't seem particularly plausible as a plan, even if I did say you had nothing to lose by trying it!)

So I think you have to try something different, or back off and stop feeling sorry for yourself. Did you try the letter yet? At the risk of repeating myself ...

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

I think only you can decide whether or not you want to keep going with this, and whether the possible continued rejection is better or worse than the possible continued ignoring you.

I can't see what you've got to lose by contacting his stepmother, TBH. Is she with his father?

Or a good old-fashioned letter, in an envelope with a stamp. "Dear son, when you first moved out I didn't want to make a big fuss about keeping in touch with you, so when you seemed to be in touch less and less I didn't hassle you. I'm sorry if that was the wrong thing to do, and that you thought I didn't care. I've tried since to show that I do care, but you don't seem to get in touch even when you say you will. I don't know what to do for the best, but I do care and I miss hearing from you. Can we try again? Love and soppy kisses, Mum"

red_devil

ive still not sorted this and dont know whether my son is really interested or playing mind games.

He has been on the phone to his grandma again moaning about me not being in touch. I have now phoned him and left a message on his phone for him still no word back.

He told me i wasnt to email or text but to phone but when you do the answer phone is on.

I texted a while back and asked if he wanted to meet no reply.

he keeps changing the goalposts?

He said he is phoning his grandma back to see what i said?
This is getting silly now by the time he has phoned her he could phone me???