older independent son problems

red_devil

My son has never really bothered since he left home. He wasnt too bad at the start but it drifted off and visits and contact got less. I never felt very important to him. I did keep the communication going though.

Eventually he started not even to send cards etc it just got less and less. I didnt make a fuss i just though if he has any want and desire to have contact he will. I didnt want to make a fuss.

Suddendly he started to make a noise and say to people i wasnt bothering with him and he was upset etc. I dont know where he got this from as it was him not bothering not me. I coud have equally said the same thing but didnt. He didnt go about it in the right wathough. Instead of having a chat with me and being nice. He got narky about it and went through other people.

I emailed him and said would he like to meet so we could talk and basically he was abusive. Told me where to go. I tried again and asked when he was aound so i could ring hi . He emailed back and said i will ring you. He hasnt and that was 2 weeks ago now. If he wasnt bothered why did he make a fuss?

I havent done anything to deserve this and am rather peed off at the way he has not bothered, then turned it on me then been abusive and then not rung.

I feel i should leave it now. Do you think its his place to contact me now.

sueeve

Does he live near enough that you could do a simple, low key, invitation perhaps to Sunday lunch or something. A long break from each other is bound to make a lot of recrimination possible, but the fact is that you both neglected to contact the other. Don't try to tot up blame, just see if you can start again.

tanith

My son is the worlds worst for keeping in touch , doesn't bother with cards or birthdays either , he's really been that way since leaving home. He now lives most abroad returning to the UK on business now and then. I now don't let it bother me, I e-mail and Facebook him every week or so if I get a reply I'm happy if not it doesn't bother me now.. its just how he is. I feel I do my bit to keep in touch and hope that one day he will realise he's been thoughtless. If I were you I'd just e-mail a newsy message regularly and just let him either answer or not and try not to let it bother you if he doesn't always answer..

Mojisola

red_devil wrote: »

My son has never really bothered since he left home. He wasnt too bad at the start but it drifted off and visits and contact got less. I never felt very important to him. I did keep the communication going though.

Eventually he started not even to send cards etc it just got less and less. I didnt make a fuss i just though if he has any want and desire to have contact he will. I didnt want to make a fuss.

Maybe he doesn't realise that now he's grown-up it's not down to his parents to chase round after him. Communication is a two-way thing and he has to do his share.

poet123

To be honest I would do all in my power not to lose touch, ring ,and text regularly, invite for Sunday lunch, birthdays etc. Anything, just to keep the lines of communication open.

Amber07

Do you have a husband/partner/someone he gets on with? (There's a reason I ask)

My mum had a similar problem with my brother, and they got to the point where he blamed her for their loss of contact (it wasn't really her fault, he worked long shift hours and never came to any family gatherings)

However, after being rejected again, she got our Dad to invite him to dinner instead. He had no issues with him, and accepted the invite, allowing him and Mum to talk, while our Dad was the peacekeeper. Things have been much better since.

pinkshoes

I'd just keep sending him an email every week, asking him what he's been up to, and telling him what you've been up to. Nothing deep or emotional. Just general chit chat, to show you've taken the time to keep in touch.

lilac_lady

I'd email him asking him to Sunday lunch without mentioning what's happened in the past. If he ignores you then I think you have to accept that he's not willing to meet. It's very hurful for you but if you invite him and he either declines or ignores you I'm afraid you have to realise that he's not bothered about his family.

I'd send him an email now and again and tell him the invitation is always open. you can't do any more.

pollypenny

Oh, it would break my heart if my son did that to me.

DD and I will do a quick text every day, something light, often something daft about a TV programme.


DS lives in the US; we ring every week.

Red Devil, just keep trying!

Pixiechic

Can you think of a reason why he doesn't want to keep in touch?
He must have a reason for it and it might be worth trying to find out. I would give him a bit of space and then contact him again. It would be awful to lose touch.

Mojisola

red_devil wrote: »

My son has never really bothered since he left home. He wasnt too bad at the start but it drifted off and visits and contact got less. I never felt very important to him. I did keep the communication going though.

Eventually he started not even to send cards etc it just got less and less. I didnt make a fuss i just though if he has any want and desire to have contact he will. I didnt want to make a fuss.

Suddendly he started to make a noise and say to people i wasnt bothering with him and he was upset etc. I dont know where he got this from as it was him not bothering not me.

This is the childish bit. He's the one who hasn't bothered to keep in touch but is telling people that it's red devil who has cut him off.

Amber's idea of an intermediary is a good one.