Will he ever change?

pinkclouds

AimeesMum wrote: »

The thing that happened can't ever be let out as it would ruin people's lifes. When my mother passes away then it will be easier as it coming out would kill her (she will pass away within the next 5yrs)

Seeing you so unhappy will surely kill her faster than anything else. As a mother yourself, do you not realise that all she wants is for you to be happy? If she had to give you the clothes off her back, the last penny from her bank account and crawl through broken glass? If the only reason for not communicating this secret, even just to those nearest to you, is for the sake of sparing your mom's feelings then you need to tell her now. The longer you leave it, the more hurt she'll be that you didn't tell her. If it was your kid, what would you want them to do? There is nothing a true mom can't stand or forgive in their own child.

You only get one life. Everyone deserves to be happy.

Red_Doe

AimeesMum wrote: »

The thing that happened can't ever be let out as it would ruin people's lifes. When my mother passes away then it will be easier as it coming out would kill her (she will pass away within the next 5yrs) but until then I feel I may be trapped here. I know that he doesn't love me -I do love him though - and no matter what he is to me or how he treats me I can never seem to just leave. What the hell is wrong with me I want to leave but I am scared

Please don`t be trapped. I know it`s hard but if you could only step back and look, as if from outside, at this....emotional blackmail is one of the worst imo, and whenever it`s happened to me I always turn my back on it and walk away.
I do understand why you don`t want it to come out, for your mum`s sake, but what do you think the chances are, that if you walk, he won`t say anything at all, and is just making the noise about it so that you`ll stay and look after him?
You have children of your own now....they`ll pick up on any unhappiness at home and to be honest, their dad isn`t a great role model for them at the moment.
Like others, I really feel the best thing to do is leave him...if he does out your secret, deal with the consequences because none of them would be your fault.
I`m fairly sure your mum would want what`s best for you and her grandbairns, no?
Your life would not `be over`, trust me. It would be a trime of great upheaval but ultimately, renewal as you rebuild your life with your kids and make fresh starts, free from emotional blackmail and backbreaking work looking after a man who obviously realises he has a meal ticket for life here.
Good luck, whatever you need to do. All the talking in the world is unlikely to change the situation, only the choices you make will do that.

ETA, of course nobody can speak for your feelings, but please make sure you aren`t treating emotional dependace as love for him.

AimeesMum_2

Thank you so much for all the replies.

My mother is currently being cared for by this person and I know that she turned a blind eye (perhaps didn't want to believe it) to it when I was younger. She is not fully 'there' at the moment - constantly doped up on all the drugs she is taking for her MS and fully bedridden. I don't want the last few years of her life to be spent feeling guilty that she couldn't protect me. It is a decision I made a long time ago to keep it a secret until her death and I will continue to do so because I know that is the right thing to do.

So far already this morning he has woken up (we are now back to normal sleeping patterns after my constant nagging) called me fatty and that I should have had the place tidy rather than feeding my son and I have a hair cut like a 12 yr old - haha! The man makes my blood boil.

Don't get my wrong I am no wall flower and will argue back as good as I get but the worries of leaving seem to keep me here.

I would have so much to sort out - I would need to move city closer to my work, get childcare and a deposit for the house sorted and have my secret hanging over me - it's terrifies me

shelley_crow

your kids don't deserve to be around this article, they WILL be picking up on the atmosphere and make them anxious.

If you want to leave, call his bluff and tell him she already knows. If it comes out then it comes out, it will come across as sour grapes from a man who is desperate to cling to something that is slipping away from him.

hippyadam

AimeesMum wrote: »

Thank you so much for all the replies.

My mother is currently being cared for by this person and I know that she turned a blind eye (perhaps didn't want to believe it) to it when I was younger. She is not fully 'there' at the moment - constantly doped up on all the drugs she is taking for her MS and fully bedridden. I don't want the last few years of her life to be spent feeling guilty that she couldn't protect me. It is a decision I made a long time ago to keep it a secret until her death and I will continue to do so because I know that is the right thing to do.

So far already this morning he has woken up (we are now back to normal sleeping patterns after my constant nagging) called me fatty and that I should have had the place tidy rather than feeding my son and I have a hair cut like a 12 yr old - haha! The man makes my blood boil.

Don't get my wrong I am no wall flower and will argue back as good as I get but the worries of leaving seem to keep me here.

I would have so much to sort out - I would need to move city closer to my work, get childcare and a deposit for the house sorted and have my secret hanging over me - it's terrifies me

As a man, a father and a human being my advice is walk.

I like my xbox, but i don't stay up all night playing it (well maybe if Mrs Hippy is away and i have a day off!)

I don't really like working, but I do it as I have Mrs Hippy and two mini hippy's to support.

You sound like your managing perfectly well now with "3" kids, i'd bet you'd be fine with just the real two!

BlondeHeadOn

shelley_crow wrote: »

your kids don't deserve to be around this article, they WILL be picking up on the atmosphere and make them anxious.

If you want to leave, call his bluff and tell him she already knows. If it comes out then it comes out, it will come across as sour grapes from a man who is desperate to cling to something that is slipping away from him.

This ^ ^ ^


I wouldn't usually condone lying, but if it gets you out of the relationship then it's a good idea. Leave him, and if he tells your mum - say he's lying because of sour grapes.

My guess is he won't say anything anyway, but you at least have a way of dealing with it if he does.

Then boot him out!

pinkclouds

If your mom is totally out of it, on pain meds or whatever, then would she really be aware of anything he told her? I mean, if he can't communicate properly with her then his blackmail is just an empty threat. Also, I doubt her carer will want her to know the truth.

Btw, you've kept this secret for years based on your strength of conviction and love of your mother. I think that shows you *are* strong enough to make some tough decisions and stand by them, for love of your kids if nothing else.

Mojisola

I'm sorry if this sounds a bit harsh but you need to leave for your own sake and - this is far more important - for your children's sake. They are at the start of their lives and at a formative stage. You will damage them if you stay with this man.

You know what it's like when a mother doesn't do something to protect you. Don't repeat that behaviour with your children. Who is more important to protect - your mother, who is at the end of her life, or your children, who have everything ahead of them?

Craftyscholar

AimeesMum wrote: »

My partner and I have been together for 5 years with 2 kids (3yrs old and 3 months old).

AimeesMum wrote: »

When my mother passes away then it will be easier as it coming out would kill her (she will pass away within the next 5yrs) but until then I feel I may be trapped here.

I assume the five years estimate has come from her doctors. If so it can only be a rough prognosis - it could be four or six or even more.
So your eldest could be 8,9,10.
Is this how you want your children to grow up? How you want them to think it is acceptable to treat a future partner?

Anyway how much contact does your OH currently have with your mother? If you split and he tries to contact her then her carer may well guess why and make sure he doesn't get near her.

patchwork_cat

Does your OH genuinely have severe anxiety and depression? Does he want to get better if he does?