Will he ever change?

Pixiechic

You can't make anyone change, however much you would like to. He has to want to change himself and from what you say, it doesn't sound like he wants to. I would find your situation impossible but you sound independent and able to cope on your own. Especially as you seem to be doing everything yourself anyway.

Jemima5317

None of us know - obviously - what happened to you when you were younger, but the way you've worded it, it sounds like something that happened "to" you, rather than something you "did". If that is the case, it isn't your fault. I know it is (very) easy for an anonymous person on an internet forum to say, but it is ABSOLUTELY TRUE that your life will NOT be over if he tells people. If it was something horrendous (like abuse, although I'm not asking and wouldn't encourage you to say), then it wasn't your fault, and believe me, anyone who would judge you, and find you wanting, for having been abused is someone you're far better off knowing about and having out of your life, and if it was something that you think is awful, but isn't, again, it doesn't matter. If you're really that concerned, then let him tell people, and (awful as it may sound) tell them he lied because he's bitter about the break. You don't have to suffer every which way honey, and this chap is not doing you any favours, and will only ever hold you back if things don't change - and dramatically.

Good luck.

Jx

POPPYOSCAR

AimeesMum wrote: »

That's kinda my thinking but I think the most important thing that I didn't mention is that something happened to me when I was younger that I told him about that I can't let anyone else know and he has threatened before that he would tell and if he did my life would literally be over

So are you going to let him have this hold over you for the rest of your life?

Anyway, in all probability even if he did tell other people it will not be as bad as you seem to think, who knows it might even help you.

He will not change whilst he is allowed to continue the way he is and you do not seem at all happy. Life is too short to be miserable.

Pixiechic

AimeesMum wrote: »

That's kinda my thinking but I think the most important thing that I didn't mention is that something happened to me when I was younger that I told him about that I can't let anyone else know and he has threatened before that he would tell and if he did my life would literally be over

He would say that because he knows that he needs you a lot more than you need him. An idol threat I would think. I won't ask what happened to you but I would advise speaking to someone about it. Just to get a different perspective and realise that your fears that your 'life would literally be over' could be relieved. Even a call to the Samaritans, completely confidential and could help.

AimeesMum_2

The thing that happened can't ever be let out as it would ruin people's lifes. When my mother passes away then it will be easier as it coming out would kill her (she will pass away within the next 5yrs) but until then I feel I may be trapped here. I know that he doesn't love me -I do love him though - and no matter what he is to me or how he treats me I can never seem to just leave. What the hell is wrong with me I want to leave but I am scared

Nicki

Has he always been like this, or was he different when you first met? The "laziness" and the inconsiderate behaviour could both be symptoms of the depression, which must be both real and severe if he is able to claim incapacity benefit. You may not want to stick around for more of this, and if so that is understandable, but the first 3 months after a birth are hard on any woman and as he gets better from the depression you may get the man you fell in love with back, which might be thoughts worth holding on to if you are not yet sure you want to go.

AimeesMum_2

He has been on incapacity benefit for 3 years with only one medical. Suffers from insomnia, and deep dark moods which have been here since I met him but he hid them well and put on a front until it got to much and he slit his wrists on several occasions. I have always felt a bit like his carer and almost like I have taken on a mothering role since he lost his Mum. I do love him but I am only 22 and don't know that I can cope with 50+ more years like this. Something needs to change

newcook

get out - get out now!! he is not doing you or your kids any good. I have lived with a self harmer myself and they can be the most selfish of people (sorry if I have offended anyone) - you already have 2 children to look after, why the hell should you have to look after a grown man as well?!

if you know he doesnt love you, why are you wasting your time on this waste of space who doesnt help around the house, doesnt contribute to the bills, uses emotional blackmail and claims to be an insomniac (which he isnt as he wouldnt spend all day asleep)

you deserve someone that loves you and respects you and treats you as an equal

POPPYOSCAR

AimeesMum wrote: »

He has been on incapacity benefit for 3 years with only one medical. Suffers from insomnia, and deep dark moods which have been here since I met him but he hid them well and put on a front until it got to much and he slit his wrists on several occasions. I have always felt a bit like his carer and almost like I have taken on a mothering role since he lost his Mum. I do love him but I am only 22 and don't know that I can cope with 50+ more years like this. Something needs to change

Whilst I admire you for standing by him unless he can get some help you will have to start thinking about yourself and even more importantly those two little ones of yours. Just what kind of life are they going to have if keeps on the way he is?

Eager_Elephant

Hi (((AimeesMum)))

My DH has depression (quite severe at times) but he has always managed to work, I have to agree that him not working can make the symptoms worse and so it is a vicious circle.

My DH is very good with the kids and will help around the house (when he is not ill like at the moment - although this is unconnected to his depression)

I had a client who was in an abusive relationship, she told her partner a 'secret' that no one else knew and he used it against her until she found the courage to leave. She then confessed everything to her mother and they both went to the police. Obviously her mum is angry that she was not told earlier and my client is free from her abusive partner.

Nothing that your mother can say or do is worse than living in a negative relationship, even if she does not believe you or says it is your fault there will be plenty more people who will believe you and will know it was not your fault.

You cannot stay in this negative relationship for the next 50 years, things need to change and the main thing to change will be your partner moving onto ESA (each area are moving x number of people a week to ESA so it won't be long). The majority of people fail the medical and then they have to appeal, if they 'win' they then have to have another medical - usually every 12 - 20 weeks unless you are in the appeal stage.

Your income is going to reduce eventually and if he is not prepared to help with child care I don't see how you will be able to manage. Did you used to leave your older child with him when you worked because from what you are saying he can't really be relied on to look after the children in the day time.

EE