Will he ever change?

jcr16

but he has caused harm to her daughter.

think about it another way. your in the bed, this man looks after you. and your daughter is the one it happened to. how would u feel , your little girl ? would u want to know, or would you want to be kept in the dark ?

despite this , i dont think u shoudl stay with your partner becuase ur scared of what he may do. x

laurel7172

It's a horrible position to be in.

However, if you *really* want to protect your mum, you could warn her that you want out, but that he's threatening to tell lies if you do.

Just...be careful and look out for yourself, because if there's any possibility she already suspects, everything could come out...and could you handle knowing she already knew, at some level?

More importantly, remind the blackmailer about the laws of slander. If he goes around spreading that rumour, he needs to be able to prove it.

The only innocent witness is you. And it's not like you're going to back him up, is it???? x

Emmzi

what on earth would the police or social services do if you denied it? how will they press charges etc with no victim?

Not going to happen.

This loser you live with has you thinking irrationally. Another reason to go.

Emmzi

PS not one person here is saying stay. Hope you noticed that.

meritaten

AimeesMum wrote: »

He takes care of her well, has no access to any other children and she tells me that she loves him. She is bedridden and he is her only company. My mum is actually not in the worst health albeit she has many sores from being in her bed and takes a monsterous amount of medication. I honestly believe that he is causing her no harm at all. x

Are you SURE that he is causing no harm? because, believe me hun, bedsores are a sign of BAD nursing! It may suit him to have your mum bedridden and hurting - he isnt a nice person is he? Yet she says she loves him.............and you say you love your OH, are you seeing a pattern here?????????????? cos I am!

you say your mum has about five years left - but she is bedridden and doped up??????????? this strikes me as strange - that sounds more like someone with days or weeks to live.

hun, I have agonised over posting what I think - but I think its best if I just say it - your mum chose this person and to stay with him (and you think she knew what went on)- perhaps in her mind it was better to have him than be on her own - but, its really harmed you! I would say that you are following your mums example and staying with your partner - even though he is abusive - because you are afraid of being on your own. a mindset your mum taught you.
I understand you dont want to look after your mum - I wouldnt either! but to be honest - she CHOSE him! its not YOUR responsibility - your responsibility is to YOUR kids. NOT your mum!

staffiecat

Meritaten, you took the words right out of my mouth!

OP, to all of us there is an obvious pattern, your mother knows what happened to you and has probably lived with the guilt of knowing but choosing the love of this man over protecting you. You are about to do the same thing with your own children, although your children are not being abused in the same way, you are coming up with reasons to stay in this relationship. This is probably learnt behaviour from watching what your mother did !

So what if your OH goes and tells them, your mother knows, this guy (or scum) is aware so no big secret there. If the rest of your family find out they will be shocked and gutted for you but they will do what you need, they will be there for you. As for the police that is your choice whether you report it and tbh it would deserve this scumbag right if he had a fright from the police ! Ultimately though, the police do not have to be involved.

Have you ever thought that he stays with your mum just to make sure that you never ever tell. Whatever you think about how well he is caring for your mother just remember what he did to you and what he quite possibly did to someone else. You have nothing to hide from and your OH is trying to keep you tied within the same emotional jail that you are keeping yourself in.

As for caring for your mum, if the worst case scenario did happen then you could get help, she could go into a home, there are always options !

Don't set the same example for your kids that your mum did for you.

HTH

Mojisola

AimeesMum wrote: »

I suppose in reality the reason that I haven't told anyone is because I don't have the strength to look after my Mum myself. Selfish I know, but I looked after her for many years when I was younger and I have my own children to look after now. If this man is ostracised by my family (which I can only assume he will be and that the police will get involved) then it will be my responsibility to take care of my mother and this would mean moving back to a place I have moved many miles from to escape the hurt.

staffiecat wrote: »

As for caring for your mum, if the worst case scenario did happen then you could get help, she could go into a home, there are always options!

Don't set the same example for your kids that your mum did for you.

It will not be your responsibility because you have your own family and your job and you need to put them first.

I am all for family looking after family but it doesn't sound as if anyone has looked after you in the past and you need to make yourself a priority now.

Don't use your mother as an excuse not to get rid of this man!

AimeesMum_2

She has been bedridden for almost 14yrs now and is extremely heavy (approxamitely 26 stone or heavier) due to no exercise and poor diet. She has absolutely no use of her legs anymore.

I am going to start looking for properties that I can afford the deposit on. Does anyone know how long a claim for childcare takes to go through? x

meritaten

I think the OP has had a bit of a shock and needs time to think - hun, we are all WITH you here. Think about what we have said, your own feelings - if it takes you time then thats ok. its taken years to get where you are and you cant change overnight. we are here when you need us - OK?

AimeesMum_2

thanks everyone, I know you are all right and I am going to leave at the end of the month when I get paid. I am looking for properties online just now.

You have all given my the kick that I needed and the strength to do this so thank you so much. I agree with everything you are all saying and need to start being a proper mum.