Will he ever change?

Judith_W

I really think that your children will be really affected if you stay with your OH. Not only will they have an unhappy mum, but they will be getting a really bad role-model of how to treat women in the future too.

Please get some councilling, perhaps through your GP?

ailuro2

I've not read all of this thread, but form what you said it sounds like you'd better take the chance to get everything out in the open now.... if your Mum is very likely to pass away then you need to talk to her now, itherwise you might regret it later in life... it could be that she suspects something happened and is waiting for you to confirm it - being a mother yourself you will understand that you would do anything it took to look after your kids - your Mum will be the same and will be able to help you leave this waster of a man you're with.

you're too young to look at a life of doing it all while he sits up like a teenager playing xbox all night.

Best Wishes and good luck to you - you must be thinking about leaving and starting afresh, otherwise you wouldn't have posted - let him tell all your secrets, no one will respect him for it, and it makes family and friends much more likely to step in and lend a hand to help you get out of the life you're living now.

ska_lover

Please dump this loser - he will drag you down

Emmzi

tell your mum he is lying because he is a vindictive git, if you want.

But get the hell out. Bluntly, 5 years of your mum's life, versus your kids growing up thining taking mental abuse is "normal."

She's an adult. they're your kids.

GET OUT NOW.

thorsoak

You haven't got two children : you have three ..and the oldest one will never grow up, never get any better and which is worse, he will corrupt your two tinies. Get out now - and if you are worried that he will spill the beans and you do not want your mother hurt - pre-empt him and warn her that he's threatening to say horrible things about her partner/you ...... - and look her partner right in the eyes when you tell her so.

You can and will do far better without this waste of space!

meritaten

hun, you suspect your mum turned a blind eye to what was going on - when it was happening? so why do you think she would even listen to your OH? or believe HIM when she denied knowledge before? you also say she is doped up? and that this 'person' is caring for her? one hint from you that he knows and the 'person' isnt going to let him within a mile of her when you leave!

I truly believe that you have convinced YOURSELF that this vow of silence is a noble thing to do - whereas its really self-destructive and cowardly, and you are harming yourself and your kids by using it as an excuse to stay! I am sorry hun, you have been hurt and are still hurting, but until you gather your courage and get out from under its not just you who will be paying the price - but your KIDS!

you also say that if it comes out later, years later then you wont be as bothered - have you considered that your kids will be that much older and that this will hurt them even more than if it comes out now? and blackmail of this sort will eventually just become worse over time - how are your kids going to react if they find out that you only stayed with your partner to protect YOUR mum? do you think that will not affect them? Its not an easy situation and you have had this mindset for a long time now - its not easy to change it. but change it you must, if you and the kids are going to be happy- and FREE!

AimeesMum_2

I suppose in reality the reason that I haven't told anyone is because I don't have the strength to look after my Mum myself. Selfish I know, but I looked after her for many years when I was younger and I have my own children to look after now. If this man is ostracised by my family (which I can only assume he will be and that the police will get involved) then it will be my responsibility to take care of my mother and this would mean moving back to a place I have moved many miles from to escape the hurt.

I think rather than it be a secret that will come out in the open that it is more of a secret that will remain that way but when my Mum passes I will tell the carer to leave or I will tell.

I know that my kids will be hurt hearing and seeing this and for them I wish I could get the courage to just up and go but there are so many factors that worry me...will he hurt me for leaving? I don't think I will sleep well again knowing how angry he will be. Will he say things that might get my children taken from me like I am a bad mother or because I work full time then he should be their carer. They will go to a childminder 50hours a week while I work but I honestly wish it didn't have to be that way. I love them with all my heart and it hurts me so much that they have been born into a family like this.

Because I work on a good salary will a refuge take me in if I was to call them? Does this mean social work would get involved? x

jcr16

ok, so reading between the line, i'm guessing ' this man' did somethign to you. and 'this man' now looks after your mum.

have u ever thought he might be doing similar to your mum ? maybe she wants to not have him look after her.

yes i can see looking after your mum is a huge responiblity. but you wouldn't be on your own. there are care networks who can help. you say ur mum only has 5 yrs max.

do u really want your mums last few years left in the car of this man ?

sorry if this seems blunt.

AimeesMum_2

He takes care of her well, has no access to any other children and she tells me that she loves him. She is bedridden and he is her only company. My mum is actually not in the worst health albeit she has many sores from being in her bed and takes a monsterous amount of medication. I honestly believe that he is causing her no harm at all. x

WhiteHorse

AimeesMum wrote: »

I know that he doesn't love me -I do love him though ...

Love or rationalisation? Love or mind control?

...and no matter what he is to me or how he treats me I can never seem to just leave. What the hell is wrong with me ..

Nothing. That sort of fear-based paralysis is common.

I want to leave but I am scared

Turn it around. He's a beast. Sling him out.