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Will he ever change?
Comments
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Thank you so much for all the replies.
My mother is currently being cared for by this person and I know that she turned a blind eye (perhaps didn't want to believe it) to it when I was younger. She is not fully 'there' at the moment - constantly doped up on all the drugs she is taking for her MS and fully bedridden. I don't want the last few years of her life to be spent feeling guilty that she couldn't protect me. It is a decision I made a long time ago to keep it a secret until her death and I will continue to do so because I know that is the right thing to do.
So far already this morning he has woken up (we are now back to normal sleeping patterns after my constant nagging) called me fatty and that I should have had the place tidy rather than feeding my son and I have a hair cut like a 12 yr old - haha! The man makes my blood boil.
Don't get my wrong I am no wall flower and will argue back as good as I get but the worries of leaving seem to keep me here.
I would have so much to sort out - I would need to move city closer to my work, get childcare and a deposit for the house sorted and have my secret hanging over me - it's terrifies me
You are living in an abusive relationship.
Ring Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247
http://www.womensaid.org.uk/0 -
He will drag you down and trample on the self esteem you have. You have to leave him. Your children will grow up thinking it is acceptable to call people names and make derogatory remarks to people as the norm. Do you want that?
He is blackmailing you into staying by threatening to tell your secret. If he was to say it at the moment to your mum, do you think she will really take it in? Perhaps now is the RIGHT time for you to make the move?0 -
Tbh, I'm not sure if he would even tell the secret if you left. It seems more like a desparate attempt at scaring you into staying. As are the nasty comments about your appearance and the housework etc. After all, if you don't feel confident in yourself, you're less likely to find someone else and leave him. But, of course, you can't be sure.
What I will say though, is that by staying with him in order to keep this secret, you are repeating history a little. You say your Mum turned a blind eye when you were younger, and you are now doing the same to save her from feeling guilty. Also, why shouldn't she feel guilty? If she knew, and did nothing to stop it/protect you, then I think she needs to face up to that and apologise to you. Sorry if that is harsh, it's just how I see it.
And one last thing. You are assuming that she (and others) will respond in a certain way, but you don't know that for sure. You can't unless you are them! So, as someone once said to me, 'stop thinking for other people and talk to them about it'. If you talk to her about it first, his threat is useless and you are free to move on with your life.
Whatever you decide, here's a big ((HUG)) for you, as I know it isn't easy.
xxFebruary wins: Theatre tickets0 -
You have to get out.
I think you need to go to your mother, tell her that you want out of the relationship but that your partner is threatening to tell her all sorts of stories about you if you leave him. So she shouldn't see him or have any contact with him once you leave. And if she does accidentally bump into him, she needs to keep in mind that he will be telling stories about you. If she doesn't already know that he has mental health problems you need to make sure she's aware of this, the suicide attempts etc. This will strengthen your story immeasurably. You also need to make sure the rest of your family get the same message, that he's trying to blackmail you into staying but that you have to leave.
I think leaving is a very hard thing to do anyway and that you're making this threat bigger in your mind than it really is. At the end of the day he could tell it any time he wanted and you couldn't do anything about it. And you can just say he is lying pure and simple. Everyone knows that things get messy in break ups.
As for his mental health issues I do have every sympathy for people who struggle with depression and other problems. But he is doing NOTHING to help himself. And by enabling and allowing him to behave as he is doing, you're feeding the very worst in him. And exposing your children to it as well. This isn't good for you, or for your kids. But it's also not good for him either. For everyone's sake you need to go.0 -
Thank you so much for all the replies.
My mother is currently being cared for by this person and I know that she turned a blind eye (perhaps didn't want to believe it) to it when I was younger.
okay, so despite what you want to believe - your mother already knows your secret, its just not acknowledged between you. So even if your OH told her, it wouldn't be such a shock it would kill her - because she already knows.
She is not fully 'there' at the moment - constantly doped up on all the drugs she is taking for her MS and fully bedridden. I don't want the last few years of her life to be spent feeling guilty that she couldn't protect me. It is a decision I made a long time ago to keep it a secret until her death and I will continue to do so because I know that is the right thing to do.
So far already this morning he has woken up (we are now back to normal sleeping patterns after my constant nagging) called me fatty and that I should have had the place tidy rather than feeding my son and I have a hair cut like a 12 yr old - haha! The man makes my blood boil.
Don't get my wrong I am no wall flower and will argue back as good as I get but the worries of leaving seem to keep me here.
I would have so much to sort out - I would need to move city closer to my work, get childcare and a deposit for the house sorted and have my secret hanging over me - it's terrifies me
the fact you are already thinking about the practical side of splitting up suggests to me that your brain is getting ready for it - and even though it terrifies you, you're looking at the way out. Take it step by step and start planning, that way it won't be so scary when you take that exit.0 -
I had a work colleague who stayed with an abusive husband for 12 years. She had 2 reasons. The first was that she had made her vows before God - for better, for worse and believed these vows should be kept. The second reason was that it would 'kill' her parents. They were all religious and no-one in the family had ever been divorced. She kept her treatment secret for 12 years and when she finally told her parents she was leaving him her Dad said "Thank God for that. We've thought for years that's what you should do."
What a waste!0 -
First: depression sucks and he obviously has serious mental health issues. But he also has a duty to you and the kids to do what he can to get those issues under control. It sounds like he's doing nothing of the kind. Leave, or give him an ultimatum - "you will see a doctor this week, you will identify some chores or childcare you're capable of and take charge of those..." and be prepared to leave if he won't shape up.
If he does betray you and tell this secret, can you tell your mum he is lying? He won't exactly be the most credible source. If your mum would believe it even coming from him, you have to ask yourself whether she really knows or suspects it already.0 -
'while he claims Incapacity Benefit for severe anxiety and depression'
Can't be that depressed to be playing games can he. And how is he claiming when you work full time and you live together
This country is a joke allowing money to be given out willy nilly0 -
sausagesandwich19 wrote: »'while he claims Incapacity Benefit for severe anxiety and depression'
Can't be that depressed to be playing games can he. And how is he claiming when you work full time and you live together
This country is a joke allowing money to be given out willy nilly
just because OP works full time it doesnt stop him claiming IB (it would be different if he was claiming housing benefits) same way it wouldnt stop anyone unemployed claiming job seekers.0 -
I agree with euronorris. The threat to talk is meant to keep you where you are, as are the attacks on your confidence.
If you leave him the threat will be worthless. Thnk about what he wants. He wants his nice, easy life to continue so his thinking will be centered on that and how to manipulate you into staying with him/taking him back
If he carries through on his threat he will know you will never, ever forgive him for - so it doesn't serve his purpose does it?
Show him the door and arrange for a locksmith to come round. Then give yourself time to think through what your next steps will be in peace.My first reply was witty and intellectual but I lost it so you got this one instead
Proud to be a chic shopper
:cool:0
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