new nanny how often visit the baby?

gingin_2

If you were close to your daughter previously, is there a chance that she might be resentful of the fact that you are now switching your attention to the baby, rather than her? Just the title "when to visit the baby" suggests that.

If it were me, I would arrange a time to visit, pre cook her favourite childhood meal, take some fancy bubble bath and candles and tell her to pamper herself whilst you either look after baby, or do some ironing or washing, if her hubby is around.

My mum always made a point in the first few weeks of looking after me, so I could focus my attentions on regaining strength and bonding with baby. Maybe she missed out on lots of cuddles in the first few weeks but she has Granny duties aplenty now and she is the only person I can truly trust with my children because I know she wants to do what's right by me.

pinkclouds

If you have a pre-existing close mother-daughter relationship then I see no reason why you wouldn't *want* to visit each other all the time and text/phone/email every day.

Have you considered that your daughter needs your support to turn up and use your presence to discourage or remind her in-laws not to linger for so long or visit so often? If you were there, she could say things like "mom can you help me with...?" or you could suggest "DD let's do..." and the two of you could be busy with baby (or you could be in one of the bedrooms, looking after the baby, while your DD naps on the bed). Honestly, very few girls in the world prefer their MIL to their own mom. And keep texting and emailing - it's easier to respond than to remember to do something yourself when you're distracted. Basically, just behave as normal. It's the MIL (and in-laws) that ought to take care - bet your daughter will get really fed up of them very soon (if not already).

onlyroz

When my daughter was born my mum was upset because after the birth I waited three whole hours before calling her. She then proceeded to set up camp in my house and seemingly didn't want to leave. After about four days of this I booted her out, in a nice way I hope - but at that time I just wanted to have my own house back and spend some time integrating the new baby into our family.

MrsE_2

Nicki wrote: »

Another way of looking at this is that it sounds like the inlaws are inviting themselves there every day, and that your daughter is unable to ask them not to come. But she and her OH are sufficiently comfortable to you to be able to say to you that they need a little time to themselves and would you mind being flexible about whether or not to come on Friday.

I know you want to see the baby as much as you can, but it won't be long before you are back to open access and isn't it nice to be able to look after your daughter a bit by letting her rest when she gets some respite from her other more tiresome guests.

If it is the case that the inlaws don't work, and are in fact making a bit of a nuisance of themselves by hanging around too much, would it not make more sense to be annoyed with them about this, rather than doubt your daughter's attachment to you and to feel jealous?

This is what I think too.

belfastgirl23

It sounds to me like you're in for a really big time of change in your relationship to be honest. Your daughter's partner being made redundant is going to change a lot of dynamics, add in a new baby on top of that and you're going to have to roll with the punches a bit. I'm with the others though, just because the ILs are there all the time does not necessarily mean they are wanted or needed. And this will come to a head all on its own without you needing to say a thing. I think you're understandably feeling pushed out but the fact is that you're the person your daughter can rely on totally and doesn't have to 'make the effort' with at this very intensive time. You've missed five days of what will hopefully be a 90 years plus lifetime for the new baby.

I agree with the others, let things settle for a week or two, make it clear to your daughter that you want to support her but you don't want to interfere and that you understand that for the minute she's wanting to get used to things and she needs to focus on that.

As an aside I'd also make it very clear she's welcome to visit anytime, if the ILs keep hanging around her only option might be to pack up baby and get out for a bit

Lara44

I just wonder why you can't just be happy for your daughter. Why has the birth of her baby become all about you? Do you have a problem letting her go into this new phase of life? (I'm not a parent, but it must be hard to see your 'baby' having babies of her own )

I agree with the other posters that your daughter is probably not able to tell her in-laws to back off. But instead of understanding, it seems like you're holding it against her. That seems to me very unfair. I appreciate that you're venting a bit here, but I really think you should let these feelings go, for your greater good and your long-term relationship with your daughter.

lindseykim13

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

Yes I was thinking that as well.

Perhaps you are distancing yourself without realising and expecting your daughter to keep inviting you over.

This is exactly what my mum did when all of mine were born and still does now-if the in laws are coming over or they are invited to the same party etc my mum wont come.
It's quite upsetting really as i would like her to come over more often but i only see her roughly once a month and she only lives down the road! We see the in laws once a week, i'd rather not see them that often lol but they are the type to invite themselves over but my mum thinks we see them more often as she always asks.

She works full time so only got the option of one weekday or a sunday for a visit. However neither of us seem to arange anything and the weeks pass by! I try to text her once a week but i think these things have to work both ways.
You need to drop her a text or phone call, perhaps invite them round for dinner in advance so they don't make other plans with his family. I'd love to tell my in laws 'sorry we are going to my mums' but we just don't get invited. I think my mum thinks i should invite myself around there and invite her to mine too! So she gets out of all the inviting

However me and DH will always turn to my family when we need help as we know they are there for us when we need them and visa versa. His family are a total pain and the only reason they insist on visiting every week regardless of plans is to see our baby girl as she is the first in the family for a very long time all the rest are boys. They aren't interested in my older boys and this drives me mad. However my mum loves all the kids the same and i'd only trust her with them. So as long as you make the effort and she knows you are there for her i wouldn't worry.

Poly,put_the_kettle_on

To be frank- the list of things you've done for them sounds as though you want them to be beholden to you. If there's no element of that- why mention it? You can't buy a part in your grandchilds life.

Why not ring her and say her dad would like to meet the baby- would it be ok, and if so when?

busiscoming2

Although not a granny yet myself (boo), I can imagine if I was in your shoes I would probably be feeling left out and that the situation was unfair.

Your daughter has a lot to contend with at the moment, her hubby is now out of work, she is trying to improve relationships with his family and she is learning to be a mum. She will know you are there for her, just waiting in the wings.

Maybe you could invite the three of them around to your house for dinner, then at least you know you will get quality time together? I would think the novelty for her in laws may well wear off after a while and you will be back to your usual closeness.

I expect your dd and her dh probably can't wait to play happy families just the three of them as well.

Oh, and I wouldn't expect daily texts either.

POPPYOSCAR

Amy2510 wrote: »

I know if I was the daughter, I would be heart broken to think my mum felt like she was been pushed out. I think the best thing to do would be to ring (not text, you can't hear people's tone) your daughter, ask when the best time for your husband and yourself to come round would be. Whilst doing this also make sure you mention that you are keen to come, because knowing what hormones are like when you first have a baby, your daughter could take the fact that you haven't been as a sign that you don't want to.

In my opinion I do think it is strange that people are saying not to discuss your feelings with your daughter, there are nice ways to mention it. Its far better mentioning it sooner, rather than later where it could blow up into something all out of proportion.

I am with you on this.

I have experience in my family of something very similar and it built up into a real problem.The new mum was very upset that her mother had not said anything to her at the time as she had not realised how her mother was feeling.

I would like to think that I could discuss this with my daughter in a way as to not upset her and spoil her special time.