new nanny how often visit the baby?

POPPYOSCAR

I don't know if it helps at all but we saw our grandson when he was born on monday and we will not see him again until the weekend.

He has had lots of other visitors since, which we are glad about and we are pleased that so many other people want to see him.

Don't worry about missing out on the early days they don't really amount to much just a lot of sleeping, nappies and feeding.The really exciting time with your grand-daughter will come later on when their personality starts to develop.

POPPYOSCAR

Saint_Chris wrote: »

2 weeks ago her hubby was at work, not anymore he's just been made redundant, and he didn't get paid for his last month work.

so we gave them £600 to help them out.

i just thought i would ask on here about peoples feelings.


thanks.

Surely what you have given them has nothing to do with this situation?

GlasweJen

Saint_Chris wrote: »

when i went on wed i ended up going the shop and buying tea-bags and milk for her

Saint_Chris wrote: »

We've bought them loads, cot, wardrobes, and the pram system is still here. His family have bought nothing. I know cost doesn't matter or come into it.

But each time before baby was born, i went down with stuff, nappies, wipes etc.

Saint_Chris wrote: »

right up to 6 months ago they lived with us, and i did everything washing ironing and cooking tea, because i'm the mum and enjoyed doing it for them.

Saint_Chris wrote: »

so we gave them £600 to help them out.

If you were my mum and you approached me saying that dad didn't want to visit because other people were visiting and you felt like a "spare part" because the babies other grandparents were there and then started batting out with the above I'd probably tell you to stick it.

Listen to what you're agreeing with, it really isn't a competition, you really can't buy time with your grand child and the first 2 weeks are more about mum recovering than grannys cooing anyway.

I'd feel a lot more sympathy for your cause if you wanted to go and help her out but someone said/did something to actually make you feel uncomfortable but you're bringing discomfort upon yourself and all of your posts indicate that you just want to oggle with the masses. Maybe your daughter doesn't need someone else there disturbing the baby and interfering (I'm sorry but expecting to be updated on when the baby is sleeping, feeding and needing changed is just that - interfering).

Invite yourself and your husband down to visit your daughter, don't make it all about bubs because everyone will be doing that just now and it's probably driving her mental.

treetrunks

Id let them get past the first few weeks first, put in the odd phone call and try and arrange a weekly visit but they will be so busy trying to please everyone, its nice for someone to think of them. Maybe then talk about a regular baby sitting slot. My mum has my lad every Thursday, gives my gf a much needed break, my mum gets quality time and my lad is used to another environment. We do live a little away from my mum but it just means getting up 45 minutes earlier and is totally worth it. As much as my gf loves our lad i know she looks forwards to her Thursday off.

Wonder_Womble

Hi Chris, I can understand how you feel.

I should imagine that your daughter is feeling pretty overwhelmed at the moment with a new baby, a husband who has just been made redundant and an influx of visitors who she doesn't usually see.

As for the other granny babysitting, I can just picture the scenario: Your daughter running round making tea for everyone, her DH possibly chatting to his family, they make jokes that you'll never go out as a couple again for the next x years, he mentions the night out they have planned, his DM pipes up and offers to babysit. How do he and your DD refuse that without sounding awful? Or your daughter's DH may accept as he is so pleased that his family are finally showing some interest in his life and your DD might be sitting there seething. There are all sorts of scenarios for how this came about and you're getting yourself upset about a situation when you don't know how it evolved. For all you know your DD may have planned to ask you to babysit. Why don't you casually offer to look after baby while they do their food shopping, when his family aren't there so they can't all jump on the bandwagon. Say 'If you need to do your grocery shop, you could drop x off at ours fr a couple of hours, we would love to have her.' Always include the bit that you would love to have her otherwise a hormnal new mother might think you are implying that she can't cope with a baby and the shopping at the same time!

Because the visitors are her DH's family she probably doesn't feel comfortable telling them not to visit so much. DH is probably over the moon and feeling like they are centre of attention for his family ATM, so your daughter might feel like she doesn't want to do anything to spoil his mood. The first couple of weeks can be a very busy time for visitors when you have a newborn, then after that those visitors are rarely seen again as they go back to their own lives.

Your daughter knows your routines and the restrictions of your job so she knows when you can visit. She might well be expecting you to visit at your usual times, but assuming you've got something on when you don't turn up. Or she might be pleased that you and your DH have the sense to give them some space in the first few weeks.

Your daughter's DH mentioned that they don't know what they are doing on Friday when you planned to visit, and you have to remember that the first few weeks of a baby's life is an incredibly sociable time for the parents, if people aren't visiting, Mum and Dad are trying to catch up on chores, shopping, or sleep. Then ther are the text messages about visits to take baby to meet work mates for lunch, afternoon coffee, or to pop into work. Then there are the obligatory visits to old and frail relatives who you never see from one year to the next. Then there are texts from friends abut visiting, or meeting up. This all settles down after the first few weeks, everyone wants to see the new baby at first.

If you and your DH choose not to go round because his family are there then that is your choice and it is something that you are imposing on yourself. If it is bothering you maybe you need to be more assertive. Text your daughter and say you will be there at your usual time, if his family are there give them some time to coo over the baby, then say to whoever is nursing the baby 'Can I hold her please.' They can hardly refuse!

If you go one evening with your DH say 'Can my husband hold her please, he hasn't seen her for a week.'

I would not be discussing how you are feeling with your daughter as she has more than enough on her plate ATM, just be there to help out and offer a shoulder to lean on.

Amy2510

I know if I was the daughter, I would be heart broken to think my mum felt like she was been pushed out. I think the best thing to do would be to ring (not text, you can't hear people's tone) your daughter, ask when the best time for your husband and yourself to come round would be. Whilst doing this also make sure you mention that you are keen to come, because knowing what hormones are like when you first have a baby, your daughter could take the fact that you haven't been as a sign that you don't want to.

In my opinion I do think it is strange that people are saying not to discuss your feelings with your daughter, there are nice ways to mention it. Its far better mentioning it sooner, rather than later where it could blow up into something all out of proportion.

sashadesade

I really don't think you should confront your daughter over this. The baby is less than a week old, it will take time for things to settle down and a 'routine' to develop. No doubt if they didn't see much of the in-laws before, they won't be going over every day for very much longer.
Whatever you do, do not bring up all the things you've bought for them/money you've given when talking to your daughter. You gave all that willingly and can't hold it over their heads now - it doesn't buy you time with the baby or anything. I'm sure you're aware of that but the fact you keep bringing it up makes it sound like you feel it entitles you to something.
You should just give your daughter a bit of time. It may feel like she's neglecting you now but just bite your tongue and everything will calm down when the baby isn't such a novelty for everyone.

Threebabes

Someone earlier said about it being a novelty at the moment, and they are right. Give it a few weeks when all the excitement has died down a bit and a routine is being set. It sounds like you and your daughter have a lovely relationship and you sound like a loving mam. I dont see my mam but I hope I have a close relationship with my daughters when they grow up as you seem to have.

When I had my first child we had just got in the door and my MIL & SIL were knocking on the door, suffice to say they didnt stop long, we hadnt even gotten our coats off. Just give them the space they need and be there when needed. I think its too much expecting a text every day about how the baby is. I can understand how it would be nice for you though considering how she lost her baby last year and it must've been a terrible time.

Let us know how you get on and congratulations. x

Nicki

Amy2510 wrote: »

In my opinion I do think it is strange that people are saying not to discuss your feelings with your daughter, there are nice ways to mention it. Its far better mentioning it sooner, rather than later where it could blow up into something all out of proportion.

The reason why we are saying not to mention it to the daughter is because on what OP has said, the daughter has done nothing wrong. She is already dealing with a new baby, recovering from the birth, her husband losing his job 2 weeks ago and not being paid, and daily visits from family she usually has little to do with. Being made to feel in any way responsible for OP's happiness at this point in time is likely to be the straw that breaks the camel's back.

I agree with others that money lent and items bought are irrelevant in all this and it will only cause great upset if OP brings them into any discussion with her daughter. Money and gifts should come without strings in my opinion, and any attempt to use them to control the behaviour of others usually ends in tears all round.

building_with_lego

There's some really interesting stuff in The Good Granny Guide about family dynamics between parents, grandparents and grandchildren http://www.amazon.co.uk/Good-Granny-Guide-Modern-Grandmother/dp/1904977081 , she also has a website. (In a nutshell you as mother of the mother are 'primary granny', his mother comes after you in the pecking order!)

My mum asked me what I though of it as she was thinking of buying it when I had DD- it is very sensible and recommends asking the new mother what she wants in terms of advice/ support/ visits etc, and advises that you remember back to the hazy days when *your* eldest was born: how did your parents and inlaws behave and did you like it or not!