termination or single parent? PLEASE HELP

Contains_Mild_Peril

FZwanab wrote:

CMP, as far as I can see you were just highlighting one side of the story, which the op's friend should consider too, it should not be dismissed as it is a serious subject.

I suppose I was overemphasising one side of the story, mostly because my posts were in direct response to the OP's, which made several mentions of the fact the her friend's ex is trying to pressurise her into the decision which he feels is right for him, but which might not be right for her.
It's also generally the case that mums who decide to continue their pregnancy don't regret having he child, though the alternative is often regretted.
I didn't mention adoption (when I usually would in such a discussion) because the OP had already said that her friend felt she wouldn't be able to give birth to a baby then give it away.
You're right though, we have been focussing too much on the negative, and the consequences of one course of action.
To redress the balance a bit, maybe it's time to mention the pros and cons of single motherhood (again, some points are general but some relate to the OP's friend's situation.

Cons:
Advanced pregnancy is uncomfortable, and can have complications.
Labour and childbirth are painful and exhausting, and again, can involve complications. More info can be found on other threads, e.g. Pregnacny's Best Kept Secrets.
It's very difficult to juggle work and childcare.
It's even more difficult to juggle work and childcare and have much of a social life (at least in the "real" world, though there's always the internet).
You won't be able to decide spontaneously to go for a night out or whatever: everything will need to be planned in advance around babysitting.
It may be difficult to meet potentail partners, and if one is introduced when the child is few years old, they may be resentful.
Your baby will keep you awake a lot, especially during the first few weeks. You will suffer from sleep deprivation, which may produce other symptoms.
You might suffer post-natal depression.
You will have little spare time.
You might come across a few idiots who will assume that you plan to live on benefits forever, and had a baby primarily to get a council house.
If you ever do find your circumstances change and you need to claim unemployment benefits, the CSA will want to get involvedand chase up the father if he has a job.
Your child will grow into a teenager, and they're usually hard to cope with even in a two-parent family.
If they go off the rails and get into trouble, you will probably feel responsible.

Pros:
24 is quite a good age to have your first child - not too young, not too old.
You will probably find, as most mums do, that holding your baby in your arms for the first time is the most wonderful experience in the world. It may sound corny, but until I did, I didn't know it was possible to love as much as that.
You will feel a sense of connection with other parents, and enjoy swapping baby stories.
If you're going to be a single mum, it's as well that it's that way from the start: if you were with the baby's dad and split years later, it would be much harder for all involved.
You have a job to go back to, and will be able to claim Working Family Tax Credits, including a childcare element.
ALthough it may be a bit taboo to mention it, if you apply for a council house you should be able to get one.
There is far less stigma attached to single parenthood than when our parents were young. It's not unusual now, so you child would be unlikely to be the only person in their class at school, for instance, without a dad.
You get lovely artwork to put on your fridge door!
You feel really proud when your child does well, and it's lovely.
You have the support of your family and friends, and you will also have a health visitor who can provide help and advice.
There are support organisations (e.g. Gingerbread) which you can go to as well.
SOme men find pregnancy and motherhood very attractive!
Kids give you loads of hugs, especially when you need them.
They stop you from getting bored!
You will learn to use your free time more efficiently when you have so little of it in the early days.
When they get older, if you still don't have a partner, they're really useful for helping with 2-person jobs like wallpapering.
They will (probably) look after you in your old age.

lisa_75

bella4uk wrote:

But not wanting to be a single mum, especially in this day and age is wrong, 30 years ago the shame would make people ill but not now.

I find parenting tough WITH a husband to support me. It has nothing to do with shame, but finances, time and a whole host of other things. It is not wrong to not want to struggle alone with a child, often in poverty. There is no way I would choose to be a single mother even if things are different than 30 years ago.

Whatever a woman chooses to do about a pregnancy is her choice and her reasons are valid for her, even if the may not be valid for other people.

elisebutt65

lisa_75 wrote:

I find parenting tough WITH a husband to support me. It has nothing to do with shame, but finances, time and a whole host of other things. It is not wrong to not want to struggle alone with a child, often in poverty. There is no way I would choose to be a single mother even if things are different than 30 years ago..

Given the choices I had, I would have rather been a single mum, that be with the partner and Ex-H I had at the time - I had the baby and the man to look after then - life is a lot easier when it's just you and the kids - LOLOLOL

Broken_hearted

It must be hard to make a decision like that. For me its always been easy no matter what I would have the baby.I don't regret it and don't have any what ifs. Infact I've done a lot more than most people without kids.

Mics_chick

Sorry if I'm repeating anything anyone has already said because I've not got time to read the whole thread at the moment...

First of all WhiteRabbit do not help her to make this decision because if she later thinks it's the wrong one I think it's likely she will try to blame you out of anger for the situaion she'll find herself in. All you can do is help her to get all the information she can about keeping the baby or having a termination but leaving the final decision to her. If I were you I would explain this to her as well - say you will support her with whatever decision she makes but it will be HER decision.

One thing to bear in mind if she keeps the baby is that the father will probably be a part of her life for good... Even if he doesn't want to be a part of the child's life, she might need to pursue him for maintenance. The father might change his mind about knowing his child at a later date or the child might want to find its father when they've grown up. I'm not trying to express an opinion one way or the other but I just wanted to point out possible pitfalls...

lisa_75

elisebutt65 wrote:

Given the choices I had, I would have rather been a single mum, that be with the partner and Ex-H I had at the time - I had the baby and the man to look after then - life is a lot easier when it's just you and the kids - LOLOLOL

Thats the point though. He is your ex. Life is a lot easier as a parent when you are raising children with a hardworking, decent man like my husband. Not all men are useless as husband and fathers.

ailuro2

fwiw,I fell pregnant after three years with my partner, was terrified and burst into tears when I told him,even though I was 28 at the time. He instantly said, it will be alright, we'll get through it,- brave man!!- and it was tough to begin with,moving house,working opposite shifts and getting woken every hour or two for feeding. The first year was tough, but every year since has been a delight.
Though we take no family planning precautions we have had one miscarriage in 7 years. If we hadn't have gone ahead and had our dd when she appeared by accident,we could well be childless today.

Seeing how my dh (we l8r got married) is as a father I cannot imagine him missing this element of our life. I adore being a mother although I was apprehensive all the way through pregnancy,and it took a lot of getting used to I'd not swop her for the world.

With or without a man, your friend will cope,she has a great friend in you,and sounds like her family would be there too.

Could she let the father think she'd miscarried so he doesn't pester her? If he's not interested she's better off without him. And he isn't being forced into anything he doesn't want either.

My friend was in the same position a few years back,except after a one night stand.The father denied all knowledge even though she'd been with no-one else.She had the baby alone and when he was 6months old she met the man who is now her husband.In the interim period she had to tell the benefits people that she didn't know who the faher was.She felt terrible doing it, but he would not have paid up until forced to,leaving her with no money.

Best of luck to her, I do hope she keeps it if she is financially capable and of course mature enough. I know women who have had terminations, a very difficult decision,and although it was right for them at the time,they always wondered 'what if...'

FZwanab

Hi Whiterabbit, just curious as to what your friend did in the end and if she is happy with what ever decision she made?

scoobydo_2

Yer I was wondering the same thing . How are you doing and your friend. what decision did she make in the end . Not judging her as I belive know one truely knows what they would do until they were in that situation .No way is the right or wrong way .

miggy

Some fantastic posts on this thread - especial thanks to those who shared their own experiences (and !!!!{hugs}}} where needed).
I am concerned that this woman is taking such account of the feelings of someone who doesn't appear even to have asked her what *she* wants...
I wish her well, I hope she can find what she really wants.
Miggy