termination or single parent? PLEASE HELP

TheWhiteRabbit

Hi there,

I dont know what 2 do or where to look anymore...basically in short:
A good friend of mine has just unexpectedly found out she is 8 weeks pregnant by a guy she was with for about 2 months...

To cut a long story short - she is a year younger than me, but looks up to me and relies heavily on me to help her through this and to help her to make a decision... it is now tearing me up inside as I dont want to be responsible for such a big decision, but also i feel committed to give her as much advice as possible... I honestly dont know what to do... I could never imagine what I would personally do if something like this happened to me... so if anyone can give me some advice (i know this would be a really personal and sensitive subject) but i am desperate...

the history: basically my friend was seeing this guy for a couple of months and then they split up. She went to the doctors last week to have a blood test to check up on her iron levels... surgery called her in to tell her the news... *she had no idea* as she had her periods as normal...
she is 24 with a good permanent job and quite mature...her father seems to be supportive in whatever decision she makes, BUT I’m not sure if it will be a good idea for her to keep this baby? I told her to let her ex know that she was pregnant with his baby. she was reluctant, but spoke to him on the phone on tuesday, he text her back saying "if it is mine, i dont want you to keep it and we'll have to book you an appointment with the doctors"

I have met this guy only once or twice before, but I am scared that he is pressurizing her into having an abortion when deep down inside she might be considering keeping the baby... I dont think she would be able to live with herself if she did have a termination, but can this guy force her to have it done????
also what would the consequences be if she did decide to keep the baby as obviously the father of the unborn child said that he wont have anything to do with the baby???
How easy would she cope with being a single parent?

Thanks so much for any help. I would really appreciate any personal experience as this week has been hell for my friend and for me as well…

Gingham_Ribbon

The father does not have any power either way. This is not his decision. And hard as it is for you when you want to give support, it is not yours either and it would be unfair of her to expect you to give her answers she can only provide herself. The baby is inside her and she has to be the one to decide. I think she should get proper counselling so she can consider it thoroughly before making a decision. Perhaps you could suggest that to her? Good luck in supporting your friend through this.

astonsmummy

Only she can make this decision, and you shouldnt feel put on to help her. There are no right or wrong answers here, on one hand she could have a termination, and be happy, on the other hand she could have it and really regret it. Or she could have the baby be a single mum, and be happy or she could have the baby, be a single mum and not be happy, noone knows.
If i was you i would tell her the decision is ultimately up to her but you will support her whatever she decides. x

crispeater

hi

what an awful situation to be in but 1 that many people have and are in. the guy can not FORCE her into doing anything if she wants to keep or terminate the baby it is purely her choice.
i have had a termination myself over 10 years ago and just only recently i've gotten over it (so to speak). i would never do it again either.
i am also a single parent to 2 children and work part time and i have to say that if i didnt have a job it would drive me up the wall not having any money. i get help with the childcare and im lucky that both my kids have a good routine and are in bed by 6.30. so then i have some me time

its hard to know what to say to you but at the end of the day only you can be there for your friend and give her information on every angle. like you said you cant make the decision for her you can only be there and stick by her in whatever she chooses.
what about making an appointment to see a counsellor i know they have them at the termination clinics (or they used to) to make sure you were making the right decision or even speaking to her GP. what does her dad think? does she still live with her dad?
i hope someone else has some wise words for you :S

Bambam

I think your friend should go down the counselling route and by all means be there as a support for her whatever she decides to do.

TheWhiteRabbit

I know that I cant make a decision for her and she knows that as well... but she still looks up to me like an older sister and I need to be there for her.
She seems to be taking it in slowly, but I dont think the whole reality of it all had quite hit her yet... she seems very calm about it but this weekend involved a LOT of crying and talking about the whole thing, I really feel so sorry for her... we have searched on the net about terminations, but she doesnt seem sure about it yet... although the ex has rung her today again and he seems really adament that she get the abortion done asap

i dont want to push her to keep this baby, but on the other hand this guy is making my blood boil for trying to force her into something.

her mom and step-family lives in Australia, but she is very close to her dad, who is very understanding and will support her whatever she decides.
she lives in a house that she shares with 2 other people, but can move back in with her dad or into her own flat if she needs to.

im not sure but i think her doctor has told her to make up her mind within a couple of weeks as she is only 8 weeks now, i did get the impression that her gp was reluctant to recommend a termination, due to the fact that she is at a good age to have a baby, but that seems irrelavant to me... he didnt give her much info / or maybe she was too shocked to take any of it in, where could we get to a counsellor to talk to if i can persuade her to talk to a nurse/counsellor??

Bambam

Does she have a nurse practitioner at the surgery? If so maybe she could contact her with a view to attending a family planning clinic for advice.

You sound like you are going to be a great support for her. Good luck.

Aoife's_mum

Hello

What an awful position to be in. I agree with the others that you can only support her decision, and listen to her talk it through, but I understand that it must feel like a big responsibility on your shoulders.

Your friend needs help in deciding what she, in her heart of hearts, wants to do. Counselling really sounds essential - but be careful of who you go to as some advice lines are really very strongly one option or the other. Her doctor is probably the best place to ask for suggestions of where to go. The reluctance of the doctor to recommned a termination may stem from his personal views, but may also stem from the law - we don't actually have abortion on demand, but need the agreement of 2 doctors who believe there is a greater risk to the woman's mental or physical health if she continues with the pregnancy than if she has an abortion, but this can include social circumstances.

I'm sorry I can't be more help - I am very fortunate that I never had to face that situation - i have no idea what I would have done. I wish you all the best - you are clearly a great friend to be feeling this much for her.

TheWhiteRabbit

thanks to all who seem so caring and helpful...
i feel really bad for having to leave her on her own when i go to work
tomorrow :-) but she has taken a few days leave at work to concentrate on making a decision.
i know that this isnt the right place for all the answers, but it is nice to get other people's views and experiences.
We have been chatting the whole weekend and her dad is an angel in all this.
he did mention that in the event that she decides to keep the baby and seeing that the ex doesnt want anything to do with the child, could there possibly be any problems in the future if she wants to take the baby out of the country if she wants to go see her mum in australia?? this is just one of his concerns at the moment... i think he is just trying to cover everything...

hobo28

Hi whiterabbit

I agree that you cannot make this decision for her. Only support her.

As for travelling to Australia, i wouldn't really worry about it. As resident parent (which she would be if he has nothing to do with child), she can pretty much do as she wishes. Even if he shared residence 50-50, she can still take child on a family holiday.

Being a normal parent is the hardest thing she will ever EVER do. Being a single parent is even harder. However, many people do it and having children is also the most rewarding thing in the world.

TheWhiteRabbit

thanks for all the advice... her dad seems so supporting, I think he might be looking into things too much at this stage, but he only wants whats best for his daughter and wants to protect her and make sure she has no problems in the future if she does keep this child... i think he wants her to go live with her mum when and IF she has the baby and she is also thinking it would be best for her to go live in australia or at least for the first year... at this stage we are considering all the factors, but I also want her to know it might be hard being a single parent, but also is it the right decision bringing a baby into the world who won't have a dad? or even more sad: a dad who wants nothing to do with it?