termination or single parent? PLEASE HELP

rammster

Being a gynaecologist I have following things to add on to this which have not as yet been considered in the equation.

Termination is of two types medical / surgical. Medical route is with prostaglandin gel/pessary and works like labour and can be used upto 15 weeks.It works by ripening the cervix and contracting the uterus extruding the products of conception.

The surgical route is via suction termination where the patient in UK gets a general anaesthetic , followed by curetting with a suction canula. Any operative procedure can induce ascending infection , cause uterine perforation , damage to bowel , bladder etc. Although the chances of all these happening are low. But it is a risk that ends up on the consent form.
I would want her to consider these risks.

On the other hand being a mother at a young age will rob her of her childhood. But on the other side it will give her a baby that will give her unconditional love. The purest relationship that exists in this world.

The maximum no. of abortions in the UK happen under the "social" clause rather than any specific reason. It means paperwork for the GP (2 doctors need to sign form) plus a referral to secondary care services in a hospital.

If your friend is above 35 , maybe her GP is correct as the fertility rate drops to 40-50% in the 35-40 year age group. I must also say that morbidity is also high in the under 20 age group in pregnancy. The chances of having a down's baby increase after 35 and are 1 in 100 at 40 yrs age.

If the father threatens the mother, she can approach social services.

I fully agree about the psychological trauma that all this causes and she will do well in getting some counselling. Although I believe her greatest strength will be her supportive family.

I must emphasise that whatever decision she makes should be happening before 15 wks (preferably around 12wks or earlier), as termination after 15 weeks has added complications.

We all go through horrible things in our lives and sometimes our decisions leave us standing low in our own sights. May God bless her and give her strength to go through this. Tell her , what her heart says is the correct thing to do. Life can be adapted around the decisions that we make provided one is willing to be strong , and has faith.

May God be with her.

Nenen

I agree with most of the other posters who have said that your friend must make the decision for herself and that unbiased counselling would help. The 'unbiased' is essential, as is properly trained and qualified. She could book an appointment with a trained and qualified person through the UKCP or the British Association for Psychotherapists (google these).

I say this from the awful experience of watching my younger sister go through an abortion when she was 17 (when our mother threatened to throw her out of the house and put pressure on her to go through with the abortion). Despite her young age, she didn't get any counselling and even now at 44 she still carries such terrible regrets and guilt. She still cries each year on the day she knows should have been her baby's birthday (despite going on to have two more children when in her 20s). I think if your friend already thinks she would find it hard to live with the guilt then she would really suffer like my sister.

The ex bf has NO rights whatsoever and I would certainly advise her not to meet up with him. If she feels scared of him even now then she has nothing to gain... in her shoes I would even be tempted to lie (and I like to think that I am usually an honest person) and tell him either that I'd had a miscarriage or it was all a mistake etc... by the time he finds out it will be too late for him to do anything about it! Even if he doesn't want her to have this baby he has no legal rights over her decision and would still be liable to pay maintenance for his child if she names him to the CSS (much good may it do her). One option is to go abroad and stay with her mum while she has the baby and get right away from this man who sounds so awful!

If she decides to go ahead with the pregnancy she could contact the organisation 'Life' who are a group of Christians who support pregnant women who want to avoid abortions. However, they are obviously biased in their opinions and I wouldn't suggest speaking to them unless she has already decided to go ahead with the pregnancy. They would also be able to arrange somewhere for her to stay right away from this man if that was what she wanted.
She is lucky to have you as a friend.. good luck and let us know shat she decides.

inkie

If there is any douby about the termination - then I think that she has already answered her own question. She is in the fortunate position of having a good job/excellent frinds and family, and the sooner she is well rid of the nutter of a ex the better.

angeldeelite

i've been through it myself, similar situation had only been seeing the guy a couple of months and he ended it. i then found out i was pregnant. In 1st year at uni so i knew straight away abortion was the only option for me.

i've managed fine since then, of course i was a bit down for a few months afterwards but i think that was more down to my regret of not telling the guy who got me pregnant ( i was going to write father but that sounds weird!). of course i sometimes think about it but there is absolutley nothing to be ashamed of, you have to do whats right for your situation

it is a horrible thing to go through but as long as she has you as an understanding friend then hopefully she'll be ok.

davsidipp

my daughter who is 18 found out she was pregnant but being at collage scared the life out of her .she has been with her boyfriend for over a year but they both felt they were too young and not ready to bring up a child.seeing she was only six weeks pregnant we phoned marie stopes for advice not very helpful at all at six hundred pounds for an abortion i think there should be.in the end daughter after long discussions decieded that a termination was the best way forward as she felt it was not planned and they had used conreception and morning after pill which did not work. as for guilt that is something my daughter has not mentioned yet as she was so early in the pregnancy it has not had a major effect on her which having a child at 18 and not being ready for one would have done. the decision is for the mother only as she is the one that has the child and if the patner is not with her anymore she will have to bring the child up on her own. in this case only she will know whats right.

TheWhiteRabbit

I really have tears in my eyes at the moment after reading all the responses I got since last nite...not just for realizing what a big decision this is for my friend, but also for what people have contributed... I wish I can thank everyone personally... for sharing so much about their own pain and experiences and giving us some more useful info as well as new aspects to consider... I have shown all of these responses to my friend and it means a lot to her... thanks to all of you who is indirectly helping her through this as well...I knew posting on MSE would be a good idea as people on her seem so selfless and helpful.

Just an update... the ex rang her again today with the same old story of how having a baby will mess up her life and how easy it is to get the abortion blah blah blah... I think that its best for her to tell him not to worry about anything and not to contact her anymore, what good can he do? he's definitely not a man in my eyes... her being the 3rd of his girldfriends having to go through this...

Hopefully this will bring her closer to make a decision in her heart... i dont feel i can push her, but I have told her that she has about a week or 2 before she needs to decide... I dont want her to get all worked up as she might have a nervous breakdown or something... but she does seem to be taking it all in calmly at the moment..
thanks again for all you guys out there who have so much to share

inkie

Hope all goes well for your friend whatever she decides - I will add her to my prayer list.

xxdeebeexx

Whatever your friend decides it may be helpful for her to write down her feelings and her reasons about her decision on a piece of paper and hide it away. I have always found this helpful when making major decisions. It's so easy to look back and 'beat yourself up' about past decisions.....getting out that peice of paper helps remind me of how I was feeling and the situation at the time.....

Crispy_Ambulance

xxdeebeexx wrote:

Whatever your friend decides it may be helpful for her to write down her feelings and her reasons about her decision on a piece of paper and hide it away. I have always found this helpful when making major decisions. It's so easy to look back and 'beat yourself up' about past decisions.....getting out that peice of paper helps remind me of how I was feeling and the situation at the time.....

I think that is such good advice - for any decision. People need to make the right decision for them at the time. Looking back, it can be easy to start with the "What ifs" and having the reasons written down can stop people beating themselves up.

lil_me

Any chance she could get away for a break somewhere to think. I know not always possible, but helped me. I fell pregnant and it was a mistake, but now I have a lovely little boy. Well 2 actually but that is another story. I agree with kate, the most important thing is to support her in making her own decision, and not allowing her to be bullied into anything.