termination or single parent? PLEASE HELP

Tustastic

Crispy_Ambulance wrote:

I think that is such good advice - for any decision. People need to make the right decision for them at the time. Looking back, it can be easy to start with the "What ifs" and having the reasons written down can stop people beating themselves up.

Lots of practical and supportive posts on here and I hope that WhiteRabbit's friend is able to come to the decision that is right for her.
One word of caution about the idea, if she keeps the baby, of moving to Australia to be with her mother. No plans should be made until the migration options have been thoroughly checked out, even though she has a parent living there. Start out assuming that Australia would view the young woman as a national of a foreign country who only has the right to spend a holiday in their country, with no rights to any public funds or benefits that may be available to Australian citizens. Anything more than this would be a huge bonus.

NAR

hobo28 wrote:

She needs to decide whats best for HER .

I agree with this. Having and bringing up a child on her own is a big commitment - is she ready for that?
It is a pity the scumbag (of a father) is pressurising her; that is most unfair. Bottom line, as others have said, is that it is her choice and you as a good friend Whiterabbit need to be supportive in whatever decision she takes. There is no right or wrong choice here - just her personal one.

TheWhiteRabbit

Thanks so much for the people here on MSE, even though we can only log in in the evenings, we still read all the advice and posts thanks again to everyone.

Regarding Australia - she is not worried about being able to live there, as i think she has an australian visa or something like that and she has grown up there...its only her dad thought that she might get problems where she would have to get permission from the father of the baby to take it out of the country say if he would ever try to get any rights to see the child or whatever it would count against her

I am just scared that she might be making the wrong decision for the wrong reasons... i am angry at the same time if i was her mother i would be expressing my views more clearly to her, but as a friend i cannot do the same.. she is too much of a good person to think about herself she is trying to make the best of the situation for her ex... she has told me that she doesn’t want to cause problems for him, coz he told her he would have to tell his new girlfriend about the baby...i don’t care what he thinks half of all this is his fault in my eyes...
at the moment i think she is trying very hard to convince herself to get an abortion i will stand by her whatever she decides, but i think she might even go as far as agreeing for him to book an appointment for her or even get to the hospital just to ultimately turn around not being able to go through with it

hobo28

She's pretty much between a rock and a hard place. The last thing she needs to worry about at the mo is whether he has any rights and if she can take child to Oz.

Quite frankly I don't think he'll want to know anyway and is probably more concerned about possibly having to pay maintenance. I bet if she told him she wouldn't pursue him for maintenance and she was moving to oz he'd probably be relieved.

There is no right or wrong answer here. In situations like that, you can only do the lesser of the two evils. But it really has to be her decision.

FZwanab

She could also place the baby in foster care until such time as she feels able to cope with a baby.

BrandNewDay

TheWhiteRabbit wrote:

personally i feel horrid thinking of getting a termination, even worse for my friend! at the moment i am concerned about the baby's 'dad' -if you can call him that!! i just have a feeling at the pit of my stomach that he might get violent and threatening (already trying to persuade her that having a baby will mess up her whole life)... apparantely 2 of his ex-girlfriends have aborted his babies in the past! how sad is that...he will just need to be careful if he tries to do anything physical to my friend.. she seems scared to meet up with him to discuss things as apparentely he has a bad temper!!

For this reason, she shouldn't have talked to him. Perhaps later, when she knows when she wants, she could do so. But, she sounds much too vulnerable to deal with him right now. Also, if he's a violent jerk, there's probably all sorts of drama and high emotions regarding their relationship that could cloud the issue. The baby's well-being is more important than his feelings and even hers. People often fall into the stupid trap of using children as tools to manipulate and hurt one another, forgetting that the child is more important than that. Please urge your friend to put her feelings about this guy to the side, and to avoid him until she knows what she wants to do. In the future, she has options such as assuring him that she'll never ask him for anything, or letting him think that he's not really the father or something like that.

BrandNewDay

Nenen wrote:

I agree with most of the other posters who have said that your friend must make the decision for herself and that unbiased counselling would help. The 'unbiased' is essential, as is properly trained and qualified. She could book an appointment with a trained and qualified person through the UKCP or the British Association for Psychotherapists (google these).

I don't think there is such a thing as unbiased counseling. You're either OK with killing a fetus for "practical" reasons like "timing" or financial concerns, or you're not. If someone is OK with abortion for non-medical reasons, then they'll likely be thinking in terms of writing a list of "pros" and "cons" as if the act itself were morally neutral and one were merely deciding which course of action would yield the most beneficial results for the adults, like picking among job offers or a college training course.

FZwanab

BrandNewDay wrote:

I don't think there is such a thing as unbiased counseling. You're either OK with killing a fetus for "practical" reasons like "timing" or financial concerns, or you're not. If someone is OK with abortion for non-medical reasons, then they'll likely be thinking in terms of writing a list of "pros" and "cons" as if the act itself were morally neutral and one were merely deciding which course of action would yield the most beneficial results for the adults, like picking among job offers or a college training course.

You know when people are desperately trying to have a baby and they try every method possible and the egg happens to fertilise, the lady or couple call this a baby. No matter how it came about, it is the babys future at stake, so many people would give their right arm to hold their own small bundle in their arms, they would cross the world to have one or spend a fortune. Your friend has the life of a baby in her grasp, I don't know of any mum who would give their born child back, most single mums would not choose to be single but so many are so happy they decided to keep their child.

inkie

don't know of any mum who would give their born child back

But it happens - hence children needing adopting.

pickle

It's quite a difficult decision and having a baby is hard work. Having a partner doesn't always make it easier. Depends on the partner. It depends if she feels able to cope or not. Some people would feel guilt/remorse at having a termination and others feel relief. But it's always a difficult decision to make. It changes your whole life. Some parents are ecstatically happy with their baby and some find it extremely difficult. It's a very personal thing and obviously depends upon your circumstances, family and support networks, upbringing and religious/moral outlook. So this would inform her choice. As for leaving the country, he couldn't stop her if she was pregnant and any custody/access would then presumably be contested in Australia?!