termination or single parent? PLEASE HELP

hobo28

TheWhiteRabbit wrote:

.....but also is it the right decision bringing a baby into the world who won't have a dad? or even more sad: a dad who wants nothing to do with it?

Depend on your point of view. You could also ask is it right to terminate a life?

BrandNewDay

Is she having trouble deciding if she wants a baby, or if she is OK with abortion? If she's ambiguous about abortion, then I think she may really regret getting one.

I don't think she should have told the father right away.... she should have taken a bit of time to decide what she wanted, first.

Personally, I can't think of any clear reason why she should terminate. She has all the support she needs and she lives in country that practically makes it easy to be a single mother (as opposed to the US.)

I was once in her position. I, too, was urged to get an abortion. I cannot imagine not having my son. I can honestly say that I am happier now than before I got pregnant and I would do it all over again.

BTW, there is a third option... if she's not OK with abortion, but isn't sure she wants a baby, she can place the child for adoption.

I'm not sure what the legalities are, but I would imagine that the father would be quite happy to leave her alone if that's what she wants him to do.

TheWhiteRabbit

hobo28 wrote:

Depend on your point of view. You could also ask is it right to terminate a life?

personally i feel horrid thinking of getting a termination, even worse for my friend! at the moment i am concerned about the baby's 'dad' -if you can call him that!! i just have a feeling at the pit of my stomach that he might get violent and threatening (already trying to persuade her that having a baby will mess up her whole life)... apparantely 2 of his ex-girlfriends have aborted his babies in the past! how sad is that...he will just need to be careful if he tries to do anything physical to my friend.. she seems scared to meet up with him to discuss things as apparentely he has a bad temper!!

Destiny33

I was in the same position. I kept my baby and love him to bits. Yes i am both mum and dad but cant imagine life without him.

The decision is very personal and no one has a right to judge either way and i wish your friend the very best in whatever she decides.

Thinking of you
D
xx

TheWhiteRabbit

I think she is trying to decide what would be best for everyone else, her dad, the ex and the baby... i think she told the ex hoping he would be able to help her in the decision. fair enough he prefers an abortion, but i dont think its right of him to tell her there's no other choice.. he said: "it was a mistake and theres only one way to correct it"
i dont totally agree... how many times has he made that same 'mistake' in the past? he says its easy to have an abortion, it'll only take a couple of hours and she'll be fine afterwards and happy... problem is she doesnt know if she'll be able to forgive herself!

as for adoption, if she has this baby she said that she wont be able to give it away.

normallysomeoneelse

I have for this reply logged in as someone else, all will become clear.

About 18 months ago I had a termination, I was 6 weeks pregnant and it was the hardest decision that I have ever made, and I live every day with the consquences.

I was 30, mature, grown up and in a three year relationship, I become pregnant by accident (only ever slept with three guys and yes fully understand the pill etc), I had been very sick with a bug and didn't take extra precautions, my partner took the news really badly, even though we had always talked about starting a family together, he was 39 with a seven year old. He cried for days and I couldn't bear to see him so distressed, so we decided that given the timing ( too long a story to tell) and that it was so early that I would have a termination, we went through a private clinic in London and I took a termination pill, no operation or anytime in hospital, I then bleed like a heavy period, this lasted for several weeks and then slowly things for my partner and I returned to normal, although we are nolonger together.

BUT, this was the hardest thing that I have ever done, I don't exactly regret it, I didn't want to be a single parent, and we broke up partly because of the damage it did to us and partly because I knew that there was no future for us, his actions proved that.

I couldn't have gone though any sort of operation, which I know sounds silly, as the result was the same and not a day goes by that I don't think about it, my girlfriends have been brilliant, but I don't tell new people ( hence the name change), I guess I am ashamed, ashamed that I got myself in to that position and ashamed about what I did, I live with the guilt, the regret, the worry that I might never have a family but at the time it was the right thing to do.

My advice would be to talk to a a trained counsellor, but only your friend can make the decision and she needs to do what is best for her, whatever her decision she will have to live with the consequences for the rest of her life, I am quite a strong person and I find it hard.

You can't make the decision for her and I have always thought that it is the womens right to choose, ( a choice I never thought that I would have to make, especially not at 30 ).

Please don't moralise over my decision, I do enough of that for everyone, I hope everyone understands my decision and why I have changed my name.

This was a life changing decision for me and either way it will be for your friend too, you have been a good friend to her up to now, I am sure that you will be there for her whatever happens but she needs some proper advice and support, I would also comment that her GP shouldn't be telling her that her age is a great time for a baby, she needa an organisation like BPAS, google them if that isn't correct.

Whilst I live with the guilt, I have forgiven myself but it takes time and strength.

Hope this helps x

hobo28

TheWhiteRabbit wrote:

I think she is trying to decide what would be best for everyone else, her dad, the ex and the baby..

She needs to decide whats best for HER and her baby.

Its her who will be responsible, getting up in the night, cleaning up sick, poo. Working, chasing CSA, homework etc. etc.

First rule of parenthood: "The buck stops with you." She needs to decide period.

coyotekate

normallysomeoneelse wrote:

, I guess I am ashamed, ashamed that I got myself in to that position and ashamed about what I did, I live with the guilt, the regret, x

That will fade given time, it will I promise even though you don't think it ever will

coyotekate

To the OP,just be there for your friend whatever she decides and she will be fine

mountainofdebt

I think that this is one of those questions where we can offer different perspectives to think about but the end of the day we don't have to live with the conseqences of your friend's decision.

To be honest I wouldn't worry one minute about what her ex has said......my initial reaction to his response to the news was that all he was thinking about was the maintenance payments but hey I'm a cynicial mare.

Being a parent whether or not you have a partner or not is a hard job but the rewards are great.....I was ever so proud of my son today at his rememberance parade.

I would also never judge anyone who had an abortion.....most don't go into this lightly and have feelings of guilt for a long time afterwards without being made to feel guilty by others.

She's lucky though to have family and friend(s) that will be there for her what ever decision she comes to.