Am i being a right cow?

shirlgirl2004

lindos90 wrote: »

Disagree with calling the residential home, as you are not his next of kin, also its unlikely they would be able to prevent him from going out with his mum if she called to take him out, unless he is sectioned!

No sorry that isn't true. If you lack mental compacity then, unless a court order says otherwise, it is not your next of kin who decide where you live and what you do. I know because my brother is in almost the same position. We are not allowed to take him from the home without permission (not that we would anyway). Sorry can't remember the specific legislation but we have all the relevant paperwork at his home so I know this to be the case.

Sambucus_Nigra

I'm in my 40s and get invited to my nieces' parties every year - sometimes I make it, sometimes I don't!

It's the issue with scaring the kiddies that's the problem here.

lindos90

shirlgirl2004 wrote: »

No sorry that isn't true. If you lack mental compacity then, unless a court order says otherwise, it is not your next of kin who decide where you live and what you do. I know because my brother is in almost the same position. We are not allowed to take him from the home without permission (not that we would anyway). Sorry can't remember the specific legislation but we have all the relevant paperwork at his home so I know this to be the case.

Sorry I probably didnt word it quite right, im not talking about power of attourney or anything lke that. What I mean is that the staff would not automatically prevent him from leaving with his mum just because his sister called. The OPs request would not necessarily take president over his mothers request.

It would be his mum who would be asking for the 'permission' to take him out, and I would be very surprised if the staff could turn round and say 'No you can't take your son out because your daughter has called us and explained why she does not want him at your grand daughters party'. It would be a very difficult position for the staff to be in.

I think it would also look like the OP had gone behind her mums back by doing this, and may make the situation even worse, so perhaps not the best or only way forward anyway.

I think as others have said, that the Ops opionion is quite valid, and its really about how the OP is going to deal with her mum directly, and try to persuade her not to bring him, without it turning into a big argument or major family rift.

I really hope you get this sorted out OP, and that your daughter has a wonderful party. Gosh its enough stress planning to do a party yourself without deing made to feel really guilty about who you want (or are allowed) to invite.

belfastgirl23

You really need to put a strategy into place to manage your mum.

If you have always given in to this kind of blackmail then it's going to be hard to stop it now. That said, this is definitely an important enough issue to dig your heels in over.

My advice would be to confront the subject head on. Tell your mother that you love your brother and care about him and that you want him to also celebrate your daughter's birthday but you are not happy to have him attend the birthday party with all of the children. Don't get into explanations, it doesn't sound to me like she's going to accept any of them. Just tell her that this is your child's birthday party and as her mother you have last say over who will be invited. And tell her that if she chooses, you're happy for your brother to be there (later/next day/next week, delete as appropriate).

She will cry, this is how she gets her own way normally. But do not give an inch, don't get into explanations, just say 'I'm sorry it's upsetting you but this is my decision and it's final'. And repeat as often as necessary. If the situation keeps going on, again just say calmly 'mum I'm sorry you're upset but we've had this conversation now, my decision is final, and I'm going to leave now and let you calm down'.

DON'T engage, DON'T explain, just state the facts. Bottom line is that you aren't going to agree and your mum is going to use every emotive argument she can come up with to persuade you. Remember supernanny, don't reward bad behaviour by engaging with it. And don't lose your temper or get angry, stay icy calm. If you react emotionally you're only going to escalate things. Remember you're just stating a fact, not engaging in debate.

Good luck. You're going to need it because this is going to be tough. But your daughter is only 5 now. You are, one day, going to have to face this demon down - if you don't do it now, it will be her christmas play or her next birthday or whatever. So may as well get it over with now!

mrscb

I know where you are coming from and have felt like a cow myself for similar reasons..My DS is disabled,in a wheelchair,communication difficulties and more..when Youngest DD has parties, DS goes to my mams before the decorations and preparations start until all the mess has been cleared up..its her party for her friends.DS can get annoyed if things dont go his way and will be wanting her friends to play with him etc..i dont want her saying he has ruined her party or being embarrassed about his behaviour..(we get enough stares and comments when out so not having it in the house too)..also kids can be cruel..especially when they dont understand about the disabilty etc..Its good for DD to have time just for her where his disabilities dont have an impact on what she is able to do IYKWIM....when DD grows up and has her own children i would not expect to have to take my son to a kids party.
You may have to bite the bullet and tell your mum how you feel and how your DD and friends may feel if problems occur with your brother.Honesty is the best policy as they say...she may be upset and possibly feel you are embarrassed about your brother..
I hope you can get this sorted out with as little grief as possible and hope DD has a fab party

meritaten

I think vodooelephant, that out of all these pages of replies - no one has said it would be a good idea for your brother to attend. so, you can be reassured that WE dont think you are a cow or unreasonable in any way! indeed we are concerned for you and your daughter and you have had some good advice in dealing with your mum.

while your mum is a master manipulator, I am keeping in mind that she is probably doing this with the best of intentions! for her disabled son, that is! in her mind she is doing her best to give him a childhood he never had perhaps? or she just wants the family to protect him like she does? for whatever reason, I think she is so far into the protective mother lion mode - you are going to have to manipulate her this way. point out how distressing it would be for him watching the kids have fun and he cant join in - casually mention how cruel kids are to people who are different! how out of place he will be and how the noise may affect him and poor mum cant really help him from her wheelchair can she? turn her little tricks back on her hun.
its either that or you put your foot down (and what will you do when she turns up anyway?) or change the day and venue - a mean trick which is bound to get her riled up. or you tell her straight if she brings him - thats it you dont want to speak to her or see her anymore - and stick to it!
talk about a rock and a hard place! but thats what I see as your choices! good luck and do let us know what you decide to do!
merit

Nenen

vodooelephant wrote: »

If i could i would cut all contact with my family -they bring me nothing but heatache..... but then theres my brother... and it has been drummed into us all our lives that he is our responability .......

Firstly, I am in complete agreement with all the other posters, it is not YOU being unreasonable - it is your mother.

Secondly, just because your mother has drummed it in to you that your brother is your responsibility, does NOT mean you have to accept that she is right. Never feel obliged to take responsibility for your brother, only ever do what you want to do and feel is right for you and your children.

It seems to me, (and I am reading between the lines here so please forgive me if I am wrong) your mother is quite happy to absolve herself from the responsibility of looking after her son herself by placing him in residential care, albeit due to her 'illness' but she is perfectly willing to drum it in to you that you have to be responsible for him. I suspect that her behaviour and illnesses may be due, at least in part, to her own guilt at not being able to care for her son herself at home (something many caring parents are unable to do for myriad reasons). Instead of admitting this to herself, she is projecting all her guilt and bitterness at her situation onto you and, ultimately, your dd. It is no excuse but IMHO bullies are almost always deeply unhappy people who cope with their own unhappiness by spewing it out on others.

You have learnt to give in to her bullying and it will require immense bravery to stand up to her now but you need to harness all your instincts as a mother lion protecting her cub. It really is the most important thing you can ever do for your dd. Try mentally roaring at your mother and feeling how powerful you can be!

Is your dad too weak to help? It appears that your mum relies on your dad to get your brother and bring both herself and him anywhere. Have you asked your dad to support you or is he unable to stand up to your mother's bullying?


My own mother is a dreadful bully and my father is totally unable to do anything which might upset her as he says she makes his life hell for weeks if he does. Why he stays with her heaven only knows but I have given up expecting him to support me if it would upset my mum. Consequently, many years ago I made the very painful decision to have minimal contact with my parents in order to protect my children. My two sisters did not do this and let her continue to bully them and my nephews and nieces. All my children are grown up now and, while I am obviously biased, my children are all great, well-adjusted people who did well at school etc, whereas my sisters' children all have a range of problems including truancy, anorexia, criminal records for GBH, drug addiction, long term unemployment and very low attainment at school.

Be strong for your daughter and do whatever it takes to stand up to your mum. You will feel so much better for doing this.

Ms_Magnetite

I'd tell her I cancelled the party rather than be coerced into putting a fully grown man in the same group as a bunch of 5 year olds who will never ever come to your DD's birthdays again if he kicks off.

Then have a party without them.

Let her cry. Tell her you'd rather she sobbed her heart out for the next month than have 30 little, tiny children crying in fear because someone has started screaming, shouting and attacking another person.

Moreover, if he was 12 and half and doing the same, he wouldn't be invited either.

He is NOT coming to a party for a bunch of infants.


Harsh, yes. But a reality check she obviously needs.


(I'd even consider dropping in that if he upsets the girls, they may well have Dads who are less understanding and you therefore wouldn't be able to guarantee his safety if he kicks off.)

JodyBPM

Your Mum is not evil, trying to upset you - she has just spent her life putting her disadvantaged son first, because he can't stand up for himself she is standing up for him. In other circumstances, we would be applauding her for that, surely?

I totally understand where you are coming from, because its probably not appropriate to have him at the party.

Maybe rather than focusing on the "friends" party, you should spend a bit more time elaborating to your mum about the "family" party that you are planning (trip to farm IIRC?). And maybe you should stress to her how much of an important part your brother will be in that. And play that up, and how much you are looking forward to seeing him.

I've not had a disabled child, but I have children, and I understand about maternal love. And I would hate my children to be left out of things, and I bet that what your mother is feeling is that her son, who may be chronologically 36 but is mentally still a child is being left out. This doesn't make your mum a bad person, this makes your mum someone who has cared for her "child" for 36 years, and as we all do, and as you are doing, puts the needs of their child first.

I don't think that this party is the right place for your brother, so I'm totally in agreement with you. But be sensitive about how you handle it - how happy would you be if someone said your DD wasn't welcome at a family party - that's how your mum is feeling now:(

balletshoes

JodyBPM wrote: »

Your Mum is not evil, trying to upset you - she has just spent her life putting her disadvantaged son first, because he can't stand up for himself she is standing up for him. In other circumstances, we would be applauding her for that, surely?

I totally understand where you are coming from, because its probably not appropriate to have him at the party.

Maybe rather than focusing on the "friends" party, you should spend a bit more time elaborating to your mum about the "family" party that you are planning (trip to farm IIRC?). And maybe you should stress to her how much of an important part your brother will be in that. And play that up, and how much you are looking forward to seeing him.

I've not had a disabled child, but I have children, and I understand about maternal love. And I would hate my children to be left out of things, and I bet that what your mother is feeling is that her son, who may be chronologically 36 but is mentally still a child is being left out. This doesn't make your mum a bad person, this makes your mum someone who has cared for her "child" for 36 years, and as we all do, and as you are doing, puts the needs of their child first.

I don't think that this party is the right place for your brother, so I'm totally in agreement with you. But be sensitive about how you handle it -how happy would you be if someone said your DD wasn't welcome at a family party - that's how your mum is feeling now:(

i was with you right up til that last part - because its not a family party at all - its a party for her school friends.