Am i being a right cow?

vodooelephant

gravitytolls wrote: »

My mum had a disabled brother, he ruined her childhood. She doesn't say this, but he did.


My grandad's catch phrase was 'it's not his fault.' Yet because of this, he never disciplined his son, or tried to teach him to try to control his behaviour, subsequently the living hell his family endured continued, while grandad worked all day out of the home.

This actually has brought tears to me xxxx Its so true

vodooelephant

madjay wrote: »

She may have no one to look after him while she went to her Granddaughter party. They may come as a pair

He lives in a a resindetial home - they - mum & dad would have to drive 1 1/2 hr round trip to collect him

pupsicola

vodooelephant wrote: »

If i say anything she genrally burst into tears.....

You are dealing with someone who is very manipulative. Its a choice of changing the date of the party and if I were you the venue too. Doesn't sound like your mum will back down. Or having to explain this potential problem to all the parents of those children attending. Risking the possibility of most saying they wont be attending. I am sorry to say it but if I were advised of this situation at a party my child was due to attend I would have to decline the invitation.

shellsuit

No, you're not being a cow at all.

If my child went to a party and your brother was there, who then terrified or hurt my daughter/son and I'd found out that you had told your Mum not to bring him but she did, I'd be livid and would hold your Mother responsible for all the upset.

It's a party for little ones, little ones who don't and won't understand. It's not fair on them and it's not fair on your daughter.

I do hope that you stand upto your Mum and tell her that you don't want your brother to attend. If your Mum gets the hump, let her because it's not about her!

If she insists on coming, I'd tell her that you'll have someone on the door to stop them coming in.

madjay

vodooelephant wrote: »

My brother lives in a residential care home - he comes back 'home' every other weekend... I timed party so it wouldn't be 'his' weekend but they (mum &dad) will just go and collect him.

Sorry about my last post I didn't read this one, Put your foot down tell her its a party for Kids. Its for your DD and her Friends and not a family party. You had offered her and your brother another day but she didn't want to know.

thorsoak

Change the date - and don't tell her! Your brother is NOT your responsibility - how I hate it when people try and do this to others - he is your family, and if you do things for him, it should be from independent love - and independent love means that you recognise when you can't do things for him too.

Is there any chance that you could contact his residential home and put the problem to them ? They may have some valuable input for you.

But change the date of the party - bring it forward and don't tell your mother (and it is she who is being the cow - not you) until after that date. Of course there will be tears - you know that is what she does - so they can't hurt you this time.

chudies

kids party
understand you dont want to upset your mum/brother
but its a kids party

dont feel guilty
your dd is the one that matters here
agree with pretty much all the comments above!

shellsuit

thorsoak wrote: »

Change the date - and don't tell her! Your brother is NOT your responsibility - how I hate it when people try and do this to others - he is your family, and if you do things for him, it should be from independent love - and independent love means that you recognise when you can't do things for him too.

Is there any chance that you could contact his residential home and put the problem to them ? They may have some valuable input for you.

But change the date of the party - bring it forward and don't tell your mother (and it is she who is being the cow - not you) until after that date. Of course there will be tears - you know that is what she does - so they can't hurt you this time.

That's a good idea if she gets nowhere with Mum :T




What a horrible situation to be in though. I can't understand why your Mum is making you feel guilty for not wanting your brother there.

Like others have said, it's not a family party, it's a kids party!

soupdragon10

It sounds as though your mother is used to getting her own way and uses any means to achieve this, including her health problems.

I know how difficult it can be, but she does need to realise how unfair she is being by trying to use emotional blackmail to get what she wants. I can't even understand why she would insist on your brother attending. She can't supervise him effectively if she is in a wheelchair, and expecting you to do this is unfair.

Stand your ground and make it clear that you are planning a family celebration which will include your brother, but that your DD party is for her school friends and would be a totally unsuitable celebration for your brother to attend.

TBH I'm sure if you spoke to the staff at the residential home they would support the fact that a children's birthday party with the attendant noise and activity would be very unsettling for someone used to a quiet residential setting.

paddy's_mum

Let your Mum dissolve into tears - it's a free country and nothing dictates that you have to bow down and worship at her altar.

Assuming he is the driver, get hold of your Dad and tell him as firmly as you know how that if he dares to defy the wishes of you and your family, there will be hell to pay! It sounds to me as though your mother has had half a lifetime of people tiptoeing round her and now it's time to stop before her grandchildren are, in turn, bullied into submission.

If you think it would achieve anything, write to her stating calmly and clearly that you and your family have reached the end of your particular road and that riding roughshod over your wishes will lead to her being cut completely out of your lives. OP - you do realise that it is perfectly possible to walk away from relatives who bring nothing into your life but trouble?

I'd go so far as to suggest that you do, in fact, have an obligation to consider whether you will countenance her inflicting her not-so-kindly decrees upon yet another generation. Good luck and I hope it all works out so that your daughter has a lovely day, free from burdens of knowledge that nobody has the right to inflict upon one so young.