Am i being a right cow?

Apricot

Are you going to stand up to her OP?

digitalphase

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

Insist on him not.

It's her party and a grown man [to all intents and purposes to the other attendees] going off on one will possibly frighten the little ones and your DD might never live it down.

Have a separate family gathering afterwards or the next day.

I agree, I think your brother would frighten the little ones if he has one of his 'episodes'. This isn't fair on a little girl who has just started school and is trying to make friends.

Your mother is being very unfair, it is a party that you are organising for your child, so you have the right to say who goes and who doesn't. If your mother doesn't like it, then tell her she can't come either.

Hard situation to be in!

thorsoak

It's very sad Would your mum be insisting that your 36 year old brother attend his niece's 5th birthday party with her little friends were he not disabled? Of course she wouldn't.

You are going to have to insist that he does not attend. Does she realise just how frightened of him you and your sister were when you were little? Your daughter's birthday party can't be blighted by her insistence on his attendance.

In fact, if she still persists in saying that he WILL attend, subterfuge will have to be used - and a change of date - so that the party is held the day BEFORE she comes....

It really should not be your problem - you've suggested a family day out which is fine - the problem is getting your mother to accept the fact that at 36 years old, your brother could well frighten 5 year olds.

travelgran

If your brother reacts as you anticipate it doesn't sound as though he would be enjoying it either. Can you include this angle when you talk to your Mum?

clairehi

OP I think you are going to have to strategically forget to mention any future parties etc to your mum...

Ihatecameron

Put your foot down and say no, mentally handicapped or not, a 36 year old has no place at a 5 year olds party.

tizerbelle

OP, I don't know what time the party is running from and till but here's what an aunt of mine used to do for her youngest boy's birthday when he was younger as he has older twin brothers who have serious developmental conditions and get stressed and angry by changes in routine, new faces or too many people. And unfortunately if too stressed can get violent.

Younger son would have a birthday party say from 2 till 4pm. The party would only be attended by his friends and a few adults to help out. The twins would be taken out for the afternoon by grand-parents or another aunt and uncle.

After the "official" friends birthday party, there would be a family birthday tea/supper. No friends, just family - nuclear and extended, all family members that the twins knew and wouldn't react negatively to. So youngest boy would get two birthday parties in a day - with two birthday cakes and was able to share the fun he had at his first party with his brothers and the family.

Although exhausting for mum and potentially a bit more expensive, it meant no temper tantrums or tears at either party and the twins didn't feel left out because they had had a special treat in the afternoon and also got to share their stories of the afternoon.

Sorry, rather more long winded than I had planned but possible solution for you is a friends only party followed by a family only birthday tea/supper - that way no one misses out on seeing your daughter on her birthday.

gravitytolls

My mum had a disabled brother, he ruined her childhood. She doesn't say this, but he did.

He pushed her out of a window, pulled lumps of hair from her head, pushed her down the stairs, tore her clothes once she started work and began buying herself a littled something after she'd paid her keep. No wonder she was pregnany at 18, she just wanted to escape.

My nanny loved him, but he made her life hell too. Trashed the house, set fires, told her he hated her, tried to strangle her. The last time, my gandad struggled to get him off of her, which was when he finally accepted his son, now a grown man, needed more care than they could give, and he was institutionalised.

I rarely saw him, and when I did, he was heavily medicated. When I grew up, he was brought 4 times a year to a local care home so grandad could visit him. Nanny was too ill by then.

I visited too, and took my children, but I wouldn't have done so if I'd felt they might witness such events.

Your childhood memories have been blighted by your brother, please don't allow your daughter's to be blighted too.

Nobody thinks your brother should be hidden away, nobody thinks your daughter should be protected from your brother, as it does children no harm to be exposed to disabilities, when surrounded by their family, who they see coping with the situation.

But a birthday party is no place to introduce other children to disability.

My grandad's catch phrase was 'it's not his fault.' Yet because of this, he never disciplined his son, or tried to teach him to try to control his behaviour, subsequently the living hell his family endured continued, while grandad worked all day out of the home.

I guess your mum has spent his life standing up for his right to partake in normal activities, and maybe it's become a habit for her. Nonetheless, if she can't accept that just once he has to miss something, you'll simply have to accept a period of sulking, or resign yourself to fibbing about future events.

Bloomin_Freezing2

I agree with everyone who says you are well within your rights to say no. I do separate 'do's' for my dd's a friends party then a little family get together. I think having a grown man behaving strangly in front of 5 year ols will be very disturbing. I'm sure 5 year olds won't see his disabilities, just a grown man who is quite possibly scaring them.

I can't see why you mum would also not get this. I'd put my foot right down. If she just turns up with your brother anyway, she is very selfish and needs telling so.

Mojisola

gravitytolls wrote: »

I guess your mum has spent his life standing up for his right to partake in normal activities, and maybe it's become a habit for her. Nonetheless, if she can't accept that just once he has to miss something, you'll simply have to accept a period of sulking, or resign yourself to fibbing about future events.

This is likely the case but she's got to realise that a 35 year old man wouldn't normally be invited to a 5 year old's birthday party. Perhaps, in her mind, he's still a little boy.