Am i being a right cow?

balletshoes

no OP, you're not being a cow. It would be very unfair on your daughter, and you, if your brother attended the party (which is for a class of 5-year olds). As has already been said, you could explain your brothers condition til you're blue in the face, 5-year olds just would not understand and would be scared if he had an episode while around them.

You need to be very firm with your mother and tell her its only children who are invited. If you suspect she'll come anyway and bring your brother, change the venue and time of the party, and don't tell her. She'll have brought the fallout from this entirely on herself if you've told her not to bring your brother and she is hell bent on doing it anyway. Its not fair on your daughter to have her party ruined and in your shoes that would be my only concern, not what my mother thought about it.

Sambucus_Nigra

vodooelephant wrote: »

If i say anything she generally burst into tears.....

Oh, do stop crying mother. I'm the parent now and he's not coming. I want my DD to enjoy her party and make friends not scare the living daylights out of them.

Mice_Elf

Agree with everything that's been said.

It's YOUR daughter, not your mum's. Your daughter may well understand & tolerate her uncle, but it's not up to your mum to force his presence upon anyone, disabled or not. It's not up to your mum who comes to your daughter's 5th birthday party.

This is a party for school friends, not family. She sounds like she's used not only her own disability but those of your brother to constantly get her own way. This has to stop, for everyone's sake.

You are now the adult, not the child. You now need to stand up to her & say no. If you think she will still attend, then move the date & venue of the party & say that you will have a small get together on your brother's weekend home.

If possible, ring the residential home & explain that the situation & perhaps ask them to refuse your brother's coming home as it will be disruptive to his routine, there will be lots of noise from 30 odd children running about & screaming, potential balloons popping, the bouncy castle noise (& those air pumps aren't silent), as well as parents who don't know him.

Good luck, OP. Stay strong.

lindos90

I can only agree with what others are saying.

I can only imagine that your mum perhaps feels that he is/was excluded from things like this, perhaps missed out on being invited to 'friends parties' when he was young, due to his disabilities maybe? As he lives away, perhaps she feels he gets overlooked and not included with get togethers and wants to help keep up contact with his family.

However inviting him to your daughters party to make up for that is not appropriate, and not her place to do so.

Its a kids party for her friends, simple as that.

If she does not accept an alternative 'family' based get together, then thats her problem really. Stick to your guns and dont give in, or you will spend your whole life doing that.

What have other family members said? Would you have anyone else to fight your corner?

Disagree with calling the residential home, as you are not his next of kin, also its unlikely they would be able to prevent him from going out with his mum if she called to take him out, unless he is sectioned!

pupsicola

Whichever way you decide to handle this op I hope that your abiding memories of your little girls 5th birthday aren't ones of dreading it and then being made to feel guilty. It sounds to me as if this has been a recurring pattern through your life.

I dont know the level of your brothers disbailitys, as in whether he can speak and express himself. If he can has he even been asked by your mum what he would like to do. I cant imagine a kids party is high on his ideal ways of spending his time. I am fortunate to be fully able bodied and I hate them, too much noise and chaos for me. Im one of those drop them and run type mums. Come back as they are cutting the cake and sing the little darling Happy Birthday.

Print off this thread and show it to your mum. When she realises the vast majority of people think she is out of order she may pull her neck in.

rocketdog_2

Ihatecameron wrote: »

Put your foot down and say no, mentally handicapped or not, a 36 year old has no place at a 5 year olds party.

absolutely. :T

Mojisola

lindos90 wrote: »

IDisagree with calling the residential home, as you are not his next of kin, also its unlikely they would be able to prevent him from going out with his mum if she called to take him out, unless he is sectioned!

But the carers at the home will be the ones who have to cope with him when he's brought back, perhaps very agitated and distressed by the party and the reactions of the children and their parents, not to mention the atmosphere between his own family members. Is this really in his best interest?

rozmister

madjay wrote: »

I can under your stituation, but not one can tell you what to do but children understand a lot more than you think even at 5. Why don't you ask your DD if she wants him there or wants to to some think special with him on another day. Then you can tell you mother what DD wants. It her day when comes down to it..

I completely understand where you're coming from and I respect that you have a disabled son so see it from a different point of view but at 5 being introduced to someone who has aggressive outbursts because he is disabled will be confusing and probably slightly distressing even if you understand they are like that because of something out of their control.

My mum is a support worker for people with learning disabilities and used to lead life skills courses at a local college. When there was no childcare and no school I used to go to work with her. I remember feeling scared to begin with when her students/clients got upset and I would have been at least 7. I understood that they were like that because of a disability but I had no idea how to cope with that situation it's not something you encounter everyday. For children who've never met somebody with a learning disability before it could be confusing and they may also be lead to believe that's what being disabled is about when actually it's not for everyone.

I think the best thing is like other people said the OP should explain to her Mum that no means no and she doesn't want him coming and also tell her Dad. Then, like mentioned, I'd suggest doing something the weekend your brother is coming to stay that you can all enjoy but still focused on your daughter. Maybe a trip to a petting zoo or a little party at home?

Also I don't understand the panic over 36 year old male family members at children's parties. I come from a large extended family and lots of older male/female members of my family go to the wee one's parties regardless of if they have wee ones themselves. They sit and chat to the family and other Mums/Dads while the little ones do the party games and what not. I go and I'm a 21 year old single girl with no babies or plans for babies!!

pinkshoes

You are definitely NOT being a cow.

This is your child's birthday party, and a highly inappropriate place to bring a mentally disabled adult!

No matter how difficult you find it, phone your mum and tell her that she is NOT to bring him along, as it is not appropriate, and if she turns up, they will not be allowed to enter!

(could you "hire" a bouncer? - any male bulky friends that could dress up as Hulk and man the doors??)

JC9297

My eldest son has a learning disability and we always had him looked after when my younger son had parties as it was about the youngest son and his friends enjoying themselves. Generally if we think he will enjoy things we do things that include him, but it has always been important that our younger son never misses out on things or they are spoilt, because of him. We were always aware that his behaviour could be frightening to younger children and we encouraged our younger sons friends to meet and get used to him at home (one at a time), just explaining that he might be a bit noisy or whatever.

My son is now 18 and there is no way I would take him to a 5 year olds party.