Am i being a right cow?

lemonpopcorn

OP I really feel for you in this situation, I like you have been there except I took the cowards way out and moved to the other side of the country so that it wasn't feasible to invite my mum and sis to my children's parties.
When I eventually moved back 'home' (same area)I had to become very tough with my mum and exclude my sister from many things including seeing my children, mainly when they started imitating her behaviour and she would be horrible and nasty to them as she was jealous and didn't want to understand why I would put their needs before hers.
This caused countless arguments, attempts at emotional blackmail, looking for evidence to report me to social services, trying to get my brother and uncle to help her split me and my partner up (he was childrens dad and been together for 14 yrs at this point, mum couldn't accept I had a mind of my own and thought he was controlling me, started standing up for myself when I met him)

This resulted in me cutting sis out of my life after she had made horrible false accusations to the police against me, my mum and brother.

Then eventually I cut mum out of my life after she started being nasty to my daughter because I wouldn't answer the phone as I was at college and had it switched off.

So much went on but she always put sister's needs before anyone else and made constant excuses for her behaviour.

I suffered as a child and adult for her over protective behaviour towards sister and manipulative behaviour towards me.
I also had it drummed into me that she is my responsibility esp when my mum wasn't going to be here.

I disagreed and stood my ground, it was really hard and I've felt like an orphan for years because of it (dad died when I was little) but I was determined that my kids would not feel the same way I felt as a child constantly having to defend someone and feeling so hurt because other children didn't want to know me once they met my sister.

But the sense of relief of not having to defend every decision I made once I had done that was immense.

I'm not saying you should cut your family out of your life but your children are your most important priority now not your mum's needs not your brothers.

if she is going to make it as awkward as poss for you then change the date/venue and don't tell her, parties are for fun not tears

clairehi

I dont think Ive ever seen a thread on this board where everyone agreed as much as this one!

good luck with your Mum, OP.

RAS

Hi

In our family, older relatives have sometimes attended childrens' parties, to help out not to "participate" or by right.

I was lucky enough to meet people with learning disabilities from an early age. I still recall the shock and tears we triggered in the mother of one lad who we called to take out to play in the local park. Consequently, I have also volunteered with teenagers and adults later in my life and at different times worked in environments where a number of people with various disabilities lived. I do not think children should be protected from contact with people with disabilities but I do think that if is sensible to ensure that they learn about people with differences in the presence of people they know well and can trust to deal with any queries that they have.

OP, you know your brother and his behaviour.

If you feel that his presence will add to your workload on the day (and it sounds like a nightmare to me just dealing with the kids), then it is not appropriate for him to be there. Unless there are going to be enough adults who know your brother well and know the children well enough to deal with their queries, this is asking for problems.

There is also the risk that your brother may be subject to comment or reactions that upset him.

And what honestly does your mother think your brother is going to gain by being in the presence of 20+ screaming 5 year olds? It is not age appropriate, either given his mental age or his physical age.

I understand her desire for him to have a family life, but it is not for her to dictate to you what level of contact you have with him.

Stand by your original assessment.

zaksmum

My sister has a severely disabled 18 yr old son. He's very tall and heavy and throws things like your ornaments at you if he visits. He will punch and kick and bite if anyone tries to stop him. He can't speak and is in nappies.

My sister's solution is simply not to take him into anybody's houses. Her nerves couldn't stand it when he smashes the place up and as she says, it's not fair on people to take him to their homes knowing exactly what he will do.

Unfortunately, though, this is very restrictive, both for her and her son. I don't believe anyone with an adult child who behaves like this through no fault of his own should expect to take that child to a party or gathering in someone else's house.

Certainly not to a childrens' party.

FunnySaving

I have to say I agree with what everyone else is saying, but it's not really a question of whether you're in the right (which of course you are!) but how to diffuse your Mum's reaction.

Could you not appeal to her protective nature - tell her that as it's a situation where your brother may well be at his worst, you don't want your daughter's friends to go home with the idea that people with disabilities are scary or violent, or leave them feeling as though they wouldn't want to spend time with someone in your brother's situation. Tell her that you want your daughter to love her uncle for who he is, but it won't be easy if all her friends think he's scary or intimidating. Perhaps you just need to appeal to the side of her that wants her son to be included in things in the future and focus your objections on his well being and happiness as well as what you and your daughter want.

elfen

Hell no would I let her bring him.

I'd see her and your dad and make it VERY clear that he will not be attending a party with so many young, noisy children, and reiterate what if one of them was hurt because of her actions...Would she allow it to continue? Also, talking to your dad and to the home may help[ in letting them know you will not stand for a disruption in his routine.

jetplane

Everyone is in agreement here, but your mother has probably used emotional blackmail all of your life to manipulate you and you have learned to give in because the alternative is much harder. You probably could never do it for yourself but you will need to find the courage to do it for your daughter otherwise before you know it you will be persuading her to do what her grandmother wants just to keep the peace.

This won't be easy, your mother will possibly throw a tantrum and try to make you feel very bad. She may even turn up anyway so I would try to arrange for some helpers at the party to help with the other children and maybe a good friend, a partner or your sister who knows how it is can take on the role of ejecting your mother should she arrive so that you can focus on the party.

I think it will be very hard and not without repurcussions but it will be the first step and the next one will be easier. I don't think you should ask your daughter she is too young to forsee the consequenses and I do agree with the poster who said she would be enraged if her child was scared at a party.

Lots of luck x

elvis86

rozmister wrote: »

Also I don't understand the panic over 36 year old male family members at children's parties. I come from a large extended family and lots of older male/female members of my family go to the wee one's parties regardless of if they have wee ones themselves. They sit and chat to the family and other Mums/Dads while the little ones do the party games and what not. I go and I'm a 21 year old single girl with no babies or plans for babies!!

Well said. It's completely unnecessary. I'm a 23 year old guy and I spend lots of time with older friends' children and do lots for them. In particular, for 4 of them who's fathers are complete wasters. I regularly take them out for the day, I've been on family holidays and have even taken them away for weekends on my own in the past.

Yes, there are evil people in the world, but if you're willing to dump your kids at a birthday party, you have to trust the parents enough to trust their judgement as to who they invite.:cool:

Sublime_2

I usually have a party for my dds friends, and a family one on the actual day. It is perfectly reasonable for you to have your family around for a separate little party later on.

Mojisola

elvis86 wrote: »

Well said. It's completely unnecessary. I'm a 23 year old guy and I spend lots of time with older friends' children and do lots for them. In particular, for 4 of them who's fathers are complete wasters. I regularly take them out for the day, I've been on family holidays and have even taken them away for weekends on my own in the past.

Yes, there are evil people in the world, but if you're willing to dump your kids at a birthday party, you have to trust the parents enough to trust their judgement as to who they invite.:cool:

I don't think anyone was suggesting that there was something wrong with other adults being around at the party, just that the more usual pattern is a do with children and a separate family party which is what vodooelephant had already suggested. I think it would be thought unusual if an adult relative who had been invited to the family party insisted on being invited to the children's do as well unless they were offering to help.