Hubby hit me

piratefairy

xoxo wrote: »

I think it's very easy to say that, a lot harder to go through with after it happens though. I think every victim of DV thought they would walk away straight away if anything happened, but when it happens I doubt it's that easy

utterly and completely agree with this. in reality, things can be a lot different to how you "think" you'd deal with them in a hypothetical situation!

#OP - hopefully you are safe.

murphydog999

Still no news, hope everything is ok.

pupsicola

I was hoping for some news that mummy29 is okay.

Something has been really bothering me. Ive been in her position and when ive responded to her posts I fear I may have been too blunt about the predicament she faces. However much knowledge and experience I have of domestic violence, maybe I could have worded things differently.

Its all very well and good me spelling it out, now I have come through it, survived and got a few years down the road. What I didn't take into account is how reading the horrendous and grim reality of domestic violence may have made her feel.

Like the op, my husband also went from being verbally and mentally abusive to inflicting physical abuse. After the first time he attacked me I was shell-shocked. But, crazy as it now seems, I still loved him. I still thought I could put things right and turn things around, though this was never going to happen. I couldn't believe that the man I thought was my best friend and soulmate could do this too me. I just dont know how I would have reacted to getting a response like the ones I have written the op

I just hope she is okay

quietheart

pupsicola wrote: »

I was hoping for some news that mummy29 is okay.

Something has been really bothering me. Ive been in her position and when ive responded to her posts I fear I may have been too blunt about the predicament she faces. However much knowledge and experience I have of domestic violence, maybe I could have worded things differently.

Its all very well and good me spelling it out, now I have come through it, survived and got a few years down the road. What I didn't take into account is how reading the horrendous and grim reality of domestic violence may have made her feel.

Like the op, my husband also went from being verbally and mentally abusive to inflicting physical abuse. After the first time he attacked me I was shell-shocked. But, crazy as it now seems, I still loved him. I still thought I could put things right and turn things around, though this was never going to happen. I couldn't believe that the man I thought was my best friend and soulmate could do this too me. I just dont know how I would have reacted to getting a response like the ones I have written the op

I just hope she is okay

Don't give yourself a hard time. Your experience has just made you not want anyone else to go through what you did and you're just trying to help and fast forward it all for the op.

ever_the_optimist_2

pupsicola, you have responded genuinely and with heatfelt sympathy for mummy29 ... we all gave our opinions to her straight and with passion because we were shocked and concerned about her welfare. PLEASE dont feel worried that you were too blunt - i'm sure your advice was appreciated and listened to. The most invaluable advice usually comes from someone who really understands, which you do.

I think we are all just hoping she is away safely and keep coming on here hoping to hear from her.

ETO x

meritaten

pupsicola wrote: »

I was hoping for some news that mummy29 is okay.

Something has been really bothering me. Ive been in her position and when ive responded to her posts I fear I may have been too blunt about the predicament she faces. However much knowledge and experience I have of domestic violence, maybe I could have worded things differently.

Its all very well and good me spelling it out, now I have come through it, survived and got a few years down the road. What I didn't take into account is how reading the horrendous and grim reality of domestic violence may have made her feel.

Like the op, my husband also went from being verbally and mentally abusive to inflicting physical abuse. After the first time he attacked me I was shell-shocked. But, crazy as it now seems, I still loved him. I still thought I could put things right and turn things around, though this was never going to happen. I couldn't believe that the man I thought was my best friend and soulmate could do this too me. I just dont know how I would have reacted to getting a response like the ones I have written the op

I just hope she is okay

your last paragraph is quite enlightening pupsicola, you say the 'first time' your OH attacked you how shocked you were. so it wasnt until more attacks that you left? some women CAN and do leave after one attack..........the majority will stay until either the violence escalates so badly that they hit rock bottom or they are killed or the OH starts hurting the kids (that usually seems to be when most women will gather their courage and go).
Dont be so hard on yourself - you were a bit blunt, but everyone could see how concerned you were for mummy29!

I hope the OP has left, but as I said before, even if she hasnt, personally,I will still be here and if she wants to bide her time, or is hoping this was a one off attack............then that is her decision! in the meantime I hope she has followed the good advice of documenting her injuries and making sure she can lay her hands of vital documents if she has to leave quickly (and salting away as much cash as she can).

pupsicola

It was after many attacks that I left

cavework

This will get worse
One fit of violence .. one wife who thinks ' I get thumped , my friends don't .. I must be a bad wife'
Then you get to feeling sick in the pit of your stomach when he comes through the door .. did he have a good day? or did he have a bad day and OMG he will take it out on me .
You will be walking on glass for the rest of your life because this individual has such low self esteem that he has to blame someone and that someone will always be you.
He won't change but you will if you choose to accept this treatment . You will loose your identity , your self respect and the respect of your children when they grow up. You will never be able to be enough for him or make things better for him because every let down , fault or dissappointment he has in life he will project onto you and blame you for ..
This is how *** like him think and there is no changing that.
Ask yourself this ( I did)
Would you allow anyone else you know or have known in your life to treat you in this way?
If they did , what would you do?
Get out of this situation now and never look back with regret ..
XX

snoop2008

mummy29 wrote: »

hey,thank you everyone for your advice,kids all in bed,and iam in bed myself,husband is down stairs,im just sitting here trying to get my head straight
husband has been mentally abusing me for weeks,saying im a bad mum,kids hate me...etc and just putting me down
he knows i have no one to turn too,and iam sure this is why he thinks he can get away with it
this morning was out of the blue,and he was"nt even out of bed when he hit me,hes been staying up all most all of the night playing hes comp,then he wont get up in the morning,he does work but only part time
im sitting here,my heads a mess and i dont no what to do for the best

Hello Mummy29, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I won't tell you to go to womans aid, or victim support as others have already been supportive in given you this advice.

Being in this situation is very terrifying to say the least. Walking on eggshells, second guessing his moods, movements, tone of voice and every little action is bound to make you super hyperviglant. Abusive men often feel inadequate about themselves, and to feel better about themselves it is far more easier to blame you and put you down. Chipping away at your identity is exactly and a common trait of abusers. Manipulation or brain washing you to make you believe your kids hate you is also very classic with domestic violence.

Like many have said here, the emotional abuse will affect your children and thinking he will not do it again, is a myth. Once control sets in it becomes worse over time. Isolation is very common too, often undermining friends you had and making sure your self esteem is so low that you can not even begin to think straight about what to do. With your thoughts on his every move, what will he do next, your own behaviour is one of nervousness and putting on a brave face. Having no one to talk to is exactly what he wants.

Do you want to live your life in fear of what if?

You have everything to gain by leaving him, your freedom to be you, to feel safe, to feel secure from harm. You have everything to lose if you stay, your mental state of mind, your lose of identity, being controlled and manipulated and always being blamed for his insecurites and outburst. You could also lose the trust of your kids.

Why?

Because your kids are affected even if they don't see, they can hear and feel the atmosphere and watch the behaviour of him and you. Lose trust because they may feel you tolerate the abuse for the fear of leaving, Lose trust because as the safe parent , their mother they want to feel safe and protected. Lose trust because one day they may blame you for not doing what is right. They may fear losing you!

How is it possible for children to protect their mother in a violent relationship?

Think about your life and theirs. You and them deserve better. You need to tell yourself that and look at what kind of relationship you have now. Is it safe, is it loving, caring, can you be yourself, can you say how you feel, is their any trust and are you responsible for his behaviour! Many an abuser often say, you made me do that to you, it's your fault. An abuser will never take the blame for anything. They are seriously very very unhappy people and destroy the very people whom they claim to love, but through fear!!

Take care!!

kittiej

I wish that mummy29 could let us know she's Ok.

All of this is giving me nightmares literally, I expect others too.

I can't help wondering if any of the children went to school and told the teacher that 'daddy hit mummy'.

It's all too sad