Hubby hit me

pixie76

Just read your post and hope you are okay. xx

mumslave

totally not qualified to comment but...

I have four children. If my husband ever DARED lay a hand on me, I wouldnt be posting on a forum, I would be removing myself and my children so fast the door really would hit my butt on the way out. But thats just me and I dont mean that as a slight on you. I know it must be really frightening to contemplate what it would be like to be alone with four children, but this is what he is banking on. You allow him off with it now, and you may as well ask him to hit you again. What do you want your children to grow up knowing? A pretense of a marriage? Or a mother that was strong enough to think of herself and her babies? Phone the numbers from the links given on this thread, show this....man....that he cannot treat you like that and get yourself out. Noone says its going to be easy, but it will be a damn sight preferable to your current situation.

DitaVonTee

boo-boo wrote: »

If you want a better life leave him ASAP!Police won't help.It'll make him more aggressive which will be worse for you.Be strong and leave him.

In circumstances where there weren't any children to uproot and cause futher distress to, I would seriously recommend packing a bag, walking out the door and not even looking behind you - Problem is, with four children to uproot things are not so simple as we'd all like them to be - refuges are a great place but they are not ''home'' and certainly when you do find yourself there, as mentioned it can be for months if not a couple of years before you are even considered for a property of you're own! These places are literally for people who have nowhere else and need to flee certainly in most cases, straightaway.
They can be a lifeline for some, but depressing for others, especially if you value you'res and you're childrens privacy. I do understand when you have things like this happen to you, you don't always want to be surrounded by others - sometimes you just need a little time out enabling you to get you're head clear without the pressure of feeling bothered by having strangers around you - It sounds extremely silly, but not all DV victims want to be surrounded by other DV victims, especially if you are still in you're own mind, trying to come to terms with things - it can be overwhelming.

I previously worked as an outreach supporter for a womans charity, I understand not all women want to leave, or need to though sometimes they are generally encouraged to do so depending on quite a few factors though I was always mindful not to push my opinion (despite how I felt) onto victims, I was always careful, extremely careful to remain, impartial, even towards the abuser when brought into conversations when victims eventually decided to open up, which can be a long drawn out process as they can find it so hard to trust you as they see you being linked to so many other organizations - when in reality you are not, I was simply just handed referrals and contact numbers of victims, being asked to contact them as to whether I could be of any assistance, in some cases you're simply told you can't be of any assistance (In the nicest way possible of course :eek:) some also choose to use the self referral system.

I'd just also like to say @ ''the police won't help'' comment - they can and do, being an invaluable support to a DV victim, many stations now having specialist Domestic Violence Units whom operate on call to many, many victims - even if they just want a telephone chat - they are there to help you, as the victim. No-one in this day and age HAS to endure violence of any kind in the family home, whether you are female, or male. An aggressor can't be aggressive if they've been arrested and removed from the family home, of course there are chances that once bailed they will return, many do, many don't realizing that they are in serious trouble and have bail conditions set - In the case of a perpetrator returning to the family home, I'd urge anyone to dial 999 so the police can respond quickly and remove them so they can be remanded for breaking their bail conditions - Also, it's the police that are responsible for allowing you to have panic buttons installed in you're home which are linked to you're telephone line, these take just seconds to activate and just a couple of minutes for the police to respond, which results in lots of huge police officers turning up at you're door

DV has been big news now for a few years and there is absolutely no need that anyone should suffer this in silence - the police do help and have more powers now in cases like this than many people are aware of such as the removal & arrest of, pressing charges against the offender - even having the powers to do so now even if victims decide to retract their statements, which previously used to make everything so pointless and time consuming for them. They have powers to persue the Perpetrator without any kind of help from the victim whatsoever, should they choose to retract their statements at a later date, which I did point out last night - they can and do treat you as what they call a ''hostile witness'' should you choose (even though I recommend that anyone didn't) to retract statements made.

There is absolutely no need that the OP needs to leave their home and have their life and that of their children turned completely upside down, by being told/advised to leave, if only in some cases it was so simple as that as it isn't, isn't always viable as has been pointed out, sometimes I do understand that choosing to get up and leave isn't always an option also after all said and done, it's simply their home too and that of their childrens, they shouldn't and never be pressured into leaving as in most cases it really is easier said than done - which is why now, Police have the power to remove and make arrests of people that choose to commit these crimes and actively persue them without any help and support of the victim should they choose to retract statements at a later date.

OP, I really do hope you are okay and able to have made some decisions, however lifechanging they may be, you're first step was posting on here for support, so you know in you're own mind you and you're children are worthy of a much better life, you are able to get through this, I think you've probably realized in the last day or so, you are much stronger than you originally first thought you we're. xx

mum2one

I just found ur thread, all I can say is back up all the excellent advice you have had here.
I walked out on my daughters father when I was 7 mths gone, the voilence started before I fell pregnant, I put it down to me going through stress at work. I had the police out, then dropped the complaint as he had threatened me, eventually i knew I had to put the unborn child 1st and left. My situation was a lot less compliated than yours, I wish i had of had the courage to continue with the police action, but I was mentally messed up, he disappeared out of our lives, now 8 yrs later, he wants to be daddy of the year and has gone to court for access. Now I have to fight all over again, - I know hindsight is a wonderful thing, - but please for the sake of the children, you need to get out of there. x

Messrs_Arthur_and_Terry

Do we know if the bloke has a history of abuse or if this is an aberration? He isn't working fulltime, has moved the family, presumably for employment or financial reasons, is probably arguing on some discussion board in the middle of the night and more than likely getting a daily reminder from Mummy29 that things aren't as they should be. This situation is always a powder keg and no doubt surfacing across the nation as the GFC fallout bites.

Some men just don't have the staying power when it comes tempering their emotions in the face of self loathing. Knowing this weakness adds more fury to the frustration.

The OP is in a difficult situation, probably still in love with the man she married, trapped in a guilt trip, looking down the barrel of a poverty cycle if she leaves and a major life changing upheaval that will leave deep scarring. It becomes a choice between the lessor of evils....for now.

We all know the stereotype wife beater cycle:- husband lays his problems on wife with gradual escalating verbal abuse, moves family to better fields away from established social networks and peer review, begins the manhandling, followed by smacking and punching. The classic responses are the wife spirals into servitude and the bloke brings home flowers or jewellery as an apology, wife covers split lips and bruises with makeup. Cycle reset and restart with shorter duration.

My suggestion would be to have photos taken and a doctor document the damage, then keep the peace until a plan can be put in place to return to home soil where family can give support and peer pressure when hubby invariably returns all sorrowful. The police should be made aware so they can at least let hubby know he's been outed.

Reactor_2

mummy29, just leave your husband and accept the loss and pain now, as it will only get worse with time if you stay with him.

sassy_one

My advice is to contact your local Police via it's number online.

Once through request to speak to CID or thr Domestic Violence Unit (24 hours) whom will pass your details to CID; as you have children you could also go through the CAIT Team (Child Abuse Investigation Team)

Phone up, advise your problem - they are specially trained and will do what's best for you.

sassy_one

Just to add - Police can and often do charge persons with Domestic Violence even if the victim refuses or is otherwise unfit to offer evidence.

Most Police forces will gather evidence and pass the file to thr CPS whom will seek to charge a person with Domestic Violence even without the victim wanting them to be charged - most forces take this action to protect against Domestic Violence.

Morglin

You need to summon up the courage and leave. He obviously sees violence as some sort of answer to life, and that won't change.

I know it's not easy but his violence will not only end up damaging you, it will also emotionally harm your children. They will grow up thinking that's it's normal for adults to carry on like this.

Contact Women's Aid, think of your kids and leave him.

Lin

xoxo_2

mumslave wrote: »

If my husband ever DARED lay a hand on me, I wouldnt be posting on a forum, I would be removing myself and my children so fast the door really would hit my butt on the way out.

I think it's very easy to say that, a lot harder to go through with after it happens though. I think every victim of DV thought they would walk away straight away if anything happened, but when it happens I doubt it's that easy

OP I hope you're getting the help you need to protect you and your children now. When you feel you can please come back and let us know how you are one day, whether thats in a few days, a few weeks or a few months, just whenever you're safe and feel you can let us know you're ok. There are a lot of people thinking about you on this thread. xx