Hubby hit me

Tulip09

It took me over 4 years to eventually leave my ex. And i don't think that it is rare for woman to stay longer, especially if they have kids. When i eventually got divorced i had 57 outstanding assault charges against my ex. It still is the hardest decision i have ever had to make in my life. All my friends had left me as i didn't take their advice, i had no one but myself to rely on or help me out. I have been remarried many years now and the effects of the abuse & the decisions i made still effect me. I feel guilty for surviving, guilty for running away and guilty for finding myself in that position in the first place, guilty for stopping my ex being a good dad- which he was mostly and guilty for my child having years without a dad or years knowing about the abuse ( my daughters first ever memory is daddy smashing the tv and mummy making her hide under the bed with a whistle so when it was quiet for a while, she could blow and the police/ ambulance people would find her) . The effects of violence by the person who is supposed to love you unconditionally & protect you can be devastating and last a long time. The realisation that it is your life is bloody awful and takes a while to sink in.

As i said in my pm OP, if i can help i will. My door is open if you need help or just a few days break.

laurasbump

Fijiflowers - your post made me cry. You're obviously a very caring mum who's been through the mill.

As the daughter of an abuser, I can appreciate how frightening it is to live in a house where the mood can change in an instant, you're always on edge. I live with the memories as do my siblings. For me it was mostly mental and emotional abusive, however for my mum and once my sister it was violence and aggression.

If you're a mum considering whether to get out of an abusive relationship please don't hesitate. Its only a matter of time before the kids become victims too. My mum didn't leave him but we all got away as soon as we could.

Big hugs to anyone effected by this,

Laura

pupsicola

Tulip09 wrote: »

The effects of violence by the person who is supposed to love you unconditionally & protect you can be devastating and last a long time.

Thank you so much for your post. It has really helped me understand my feelings alot more. Especially what I have quoted above. This thread has opened up feelings and emotions that I thought were dead and gone. Made me realise that dv isn't something you can ever come to terms with or make sense of.

I had to handle a very awkward situation at the school where I work today. One of the kids was emotionally out of control and at one point was becoming a threat to other children in my care. I admit that despite all my training I felt scared and very vulnerable.

SingleSue

xoxo wrote: »

I think it's very easy to say that, a lot harder to go through with after it happens though. I think every victim of DV thought they would walk away straight away if anything happened, but when it happens I doubt it's that easy

OP I hope you're getting the help you need to protect you and your children now. When you feel you can please come back and let us know how you are one day, whether thats in a few days, a few weeks or a few months, just whenever you're safe and feel you can let us know you're ok. There are a lot of people thinking about you on this thread. xx

Very true.

My ex husband ground me down until I thought everything was my fault. He was never violent towards me, aggressive yes but he never hit me.

He was though, very controlling. He hated me having any friends here, eldest was not allowed friends to still be here when he arrived home from work, he belittled everything me or the boys did.

I didn't realise it was domestic abuse though until one day, after being called to the family centre where middle son was having tutoring, he grabbed middle son around the throat and yanked him inside, shouted at him, shouted at me, pushed me over and then shouted and swore at the social workers.

I was so brainwashed by this time, I thought it was my fault, I should never have contacted him at work, embarrassed him in front of his work colleagues and was mightily ashamed when social services pointed out that what he had done that day was actually domestic abuse and referred us onto the domestic violence people.

Luckily, we had already seperated (again, all my fault apparently as I had forced him into it), although he was still living in the house, with me kipping on the sofa and within a very short space of time after this event, he found his own flat.

The feeling when he left was amazing, know more feeling like we were walking on eggshells around him, no more wondering when the plate would come whizzing past our ears or when he would punch a hole in the wall, no more shouting, no more confidence sapping jibes, no more throwing the boys toys out because HE had decided he didn't want them there.

The change in the boys was amazing, they became more confident, middle son calmed down a fair bit and we could actually discuss things around the dinner table without fear....which helped eldest son greatly with the frustration he felt as a young carer.

I always said that no man would make me feel cowed down but it was such a gradual thing over a fair few years and we had many really happy times during our marriage when he was kind, that I never realised it was happening. I went from an ultra confident and strong woman to one who would do anything to stop her husband from getting angry and who had no confidence in her appearance, her parenting skills, thought she was crap in the bedroom department etc...just a generally crap person really who deserved crappy treatment.

He stills tries to belittle me to this day, I am stronger but even now, it only takes one comment from him to make me feel a crappy parent and person....it ruined mine and the boys Christmas just gone after his annual 2 hour deign to visit his children.

I no longer trust people, I can not envisage ever having a partner again in case it happens again.

whitewing

SingleSue wrote: »

I no longer trust people, I can not envisage ever having a partner again in case it happens again.

Please don't think that. There are so many decent, kind, thoughtful and loving men out there that the chances are you would pick a good 'un.

snoop2008

SingleSue wrote: »

Very true.

My ex husband ground me down until I thought everything was my fault. He was never violent towards me, aggressive yes but he never hit me.

He was though, very controlling. He hated me having any friends here, eldest was not allowed friends to still be here when he arrived home from work, he belittled everything me or the boys did.

I didn't realise it was domestic abuse though until one day, after being called to the family centre where middle son was having tutoring, he grabbed middle son around the throat and yanked him inside, shouted at him, shouted at me, pushed me over and then shouted and swore at the social workers.

I was so brainwashed by this time, I thought it was my fault, I should never have contacted him at work, embarrassed him in front of his work colleagues and was mightily ashamed when social services pointed out that what he had done that day was actually domestic abuse and referred us onto the domestic violence people.

Luckily, we had already seperated (again, all my fault apparently as I had forced him into it), although he was still living in the house, with me kipping on the sofa and within a very short space of time after this event, he found his own flat.

The feeling when he left was amazing, know more feeling like we were walking on eggshells around him, no more wondering when the plate would come whizzing past our ears or when he would punch a hole in the wall, no more shouting, no more confidence sapping jibes, no more throwing the boys toys out because HE had decided he didn't want them there.

The change in the boys was amazing, they became more confident, middle son calmed down a fair bit and we could actually discuss things around the dinner table without fear....which helped eldest son greatly with the frustration he felt as a young carer.

I always said that no man would make me feel cowed down but it was such a gradual thing over a fair few years and we had many really happy times during our marriage when he was kind, that I never realised it was happening. I went from an ultra confident and strong woman to one who would do anything to stop her husband from getting angry and who had no confidence in her appearance, her parenting skills, thought she was crap in the bedroom department etc...just a generally crap person really who deserved crappy treatment.

He stills tries to belittle me to this day, I am stronger but even now, it only takes one comment from him to make me feel a crappy parent and person....it ruined mine and the boys Christmas just gone after his annual 2 hour deign to visit his children.

I no longer trust people, I can not envisage ever having a partner again in case it happens again.

Hi there Singlesue,

Manipulation, control, jealously, anger, intimidation, envy, and possesion, meaning to own someone , in this case, to treat someone as if they were an object to pick up and destroy when ever it suits them is often the sad reality of an abusive person. It has never surprised me to hear how ordinary everyday life, like having friends, family, going out, socialising, have get togethers, entertaining at home, special occasions, working, etc... can be all those situations were an abuser does not see these things to be normal, but situations that he feels he needs to control and destroy by fear.

Unfortunately this kind of abuse can and does have long lasting affects even when the abuser is no longer around. Not being able to trust and form other relationships is due to the control a woman has been subjected to like you said for the fear of it happening again but please remember your much wiser now, much stronger, and you've learnt a great deal about what you don't want in a relationship. You now know what an abusive relationship looks like, you also know what unconditional love looks like , it is the opposite to what you have experienced.

And please remember, you are not the identity your partner made you believe you are. You are your own person. Abusers do not understand about seperate identities, they do their best to destroy who you are and what you are and many of them never succeed!!!

All the best!

Footiemad_2

I have been reading all the posts since mummy29 first posted amd keep checking in for news. It seems that she has allowed others to express their feelings and share their experiences and that must be a good thing. I too hope she and her children are safe.

I too grew up in a house full of violence and I know it has affected me and my siblings even though we dont talk about it and we are all fully grown living our lives. Eventually my mum took courage after many years and we got him out. We were so much happier and seeing my mother develop and grow strength was even more encouraging. We were never without love and I dont blame her.

DV is all about control in many forms because the other person is weak be it male or female. They see a weakness and exploit it. No one should be exposed to any type of violence and another person has no right to inflict pain and suffering on another person..somehow foolishly they think it is.

Its hard for a person to make the decision to leave for whatever reason and years ago it was all kept quiet and the support wasn't always there because people dont want to get involved and that includes family.!!!!

Its a journey sometimes long and sometimes short and people get there at their own pace. They just need to know they are not alone.

It is clear there are a lot of caring and concerned people on here and whether mummy29 is still reading or not I am sure the advice and support she has recieved will be much appreciated.

Lets hope she makes the right decision for her and her children. Her confidence may be low but maybe this thread will encourage her to see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and that she will make her journey when she is strong enough and able.

Thats all I have to say really. The last few posts really made me think about my past but we all have to look forward and believe that things will change and that there are good people out there willing to help and support those in need and sometimes that help comes from the strangest places and when you least expect it.

Good luck mummy29 with your journey and lets hope that one day you will come back and let everyone know you are doing well and that you and your children are happy and safe.

xx

dane-katie

I hope you are ok mummy, i wish i could take you away from it!

lavidaloca

I remember a thread similar to this one early last year where the OP stopped posting for a few weeks. Luckily she came back to update and she had managed to get herself to the Police and then Refuge. The reason she wasn't posting was the lack of internet access.

Hopefully this is the case here and she will come back and update you lovely kind souls.

Mr.Mulla

Mummy29 I hope you and your children are well. I have been following up this thread for days and like the others, I am also very concern for you and your children's safety. I believe that once he has done it,he can do it again and it will just get worse. Please don't wait for that to happen before you leave and seek help.

May the angels guide and protect you and your children.