MSE Parents Club Part 16

sir_monster

thanks gill, delain and merfe can't stop crying at the mo not sure what to do - maybe could try counselling but is £45 an hour and not sure what it would acheive. I will def try that delain as he is overweight too and hasn't got the excuse of just having had a baby!

Also thanks to kk, sugarspun, emsy and jillie just feeding t and was hlaf writing a message

keelykat

sir_monster wrote: »

delain that's awful, lillian glad lo is ok.

did anyone's dh go off them after a baby?? we haven't dtd since baby (over 5 months) so basically after trying to intiate things it comes out that he doesn't really fancy me anymore as i have put on weight (i am a stone over my heaviest pre baby and now a size 16 compared to a size 12 to 14 before). I feel really down now and have been trying to lose weight by going swimming twice a week and walking more but main prob is as I'm bfing I can't stop eating!! He says he still loves me, wants to be with me but just doesn't find me attractive! I do love him but it does make me question being with someone who is shallow?

I wouldn't be too happy either, i'd be very upset to be honest. Very glad my hubby wasn't like this-I was a couple of sizes bigger after having my son but it didn't bother him thank god.

To me a 16 isn't that much bigger then a 12-14, he does sound very shallow. Is he 'Mr Perfect' himself? Most men who come out with comments like this are usually over weight themselves or have issues of their own!

Don't let this get you down-he's the one missing out.

keely.

delain

My ASDA shopping arrived. I can now show OH that I spent £130 and the cupboards and fridge are full, as is the 6ft second freezer, whereas he spends the same amount and there seems to be very little food :eek:

kindofagilr

sir_monster wrote: »

thanks gill, delain and merfe can't stop crying at the mo not sure what to do - maybe could try counselling but is £45 an hour and not sure what it would acheive. I will def try that delain as he is overweight too and hasn't got the excuse of just having had a baby!

Also thanks to kk, sugarspun, emsy and jillie just feeding t and was hlaf writing a message

HUGS! I cant believe he had the cheek to say that and he is overweight himself!

I would tell him you expect a 6 pack as well!

I am loaded with cold, ive caught elliots cold, how is that the night I cant get to sleep till half 1 elliot has a mint night lol

He didnt wake till 3.30am!!! then didnt get up till 7am

I feel wrecked and so tired, and I need to go to asda and cant be bothered

Its mine and OHs anniversary tomorrow and I was going to make him a cake today, I bought a heart shaped mould but feel to ill to move off the sofa :rotfl:

delain

*sigh* still have got nothing done.

Squeak being very high maintenance atm I expect to see a new tooth by the weekend. I shall be disappointed if not after the hassle this week!

I'm going to see if I can get her to settle in her cot then get on and do the SC sausage casserole.

weezl74

Sir M, I'm really sorry that you had such a bruising conversation with your OH, it sounds like it has really crushed you at a time when you need to feel very important and loved. It's a real blow.

As I read your post, I felt that your OH has chosen a really hard time to talk to you about this, and I wonder if it came out a bit wrongly? My main reason for thinking this, is because it has left you feeling that this is something about YOU and that YOU have to change, whereas actually he is really saying something about himself, and how he is struggling to adjust to changes. As has already been said, a size 16 isn't unattractive, and lots of people are MORE attractive and attractive to their partners at that size. Marilyn monroe and sophie dahl would be 2 key examples springing to mind

About the sex thing, I have worked a bit over the years in counselling some men who in the course of the time we've worked together have had partners who've been pregnant and soon after, and so I think there's some insights from that which might help, so I think I'll try to write it in case it helps you/others I wrote something a bit similar on here before so I have copied and pasted from that a bit.

Because male sexuality is sometimes such a powerful force, overwhelming physically and sometimes feeling very involuntary (think of poor embarrassed 13 yr old lads with erections on a school bus of a morning:o) and it starts when a lad is quite young, it can be tricky for them to learn good 'grown up' strategies of dealing with it all that will last them a lifetime.

But they are building a set of coping strategies that will be used all their adult life unless something challenges that.

One quite easy way to keep a 'drive' under control is to be very black and white about it. Turning some things into OK or 'good' and somethings into 'bad', and forbidding yourself to allow anything inbetween. My understanding is that this is the way that lots of boys try to cope with developing into a sexual person.

They decide that there are some categories of person that they mustn't find attractive ever. And they create a kind of hatred/revulsion/uncomfortable feeling to be associated with ever feeling attracted to those categories. They decide that it's bad to be gay, to be attracted to your mum or your sister, to be attracted to older women like your teacher, or younger children. Women who are already in relationships (and pregnant women/new mums around a young teenager fall into this category as well as older women and possibly the whole category of mother) are similarly 'out of bounds'.

So then this works pretty well, until you are in a loving relationship with a woman who then breaks one of your categories. You've lived so long believing you can't find somethings attractive that it can be tough to unlearn those rules. Also that it's easier to blame your lack of attraction on something else (oh I just don't like big pregnant tummies!) rather than to do the hard work of working out what it's really about and changing it. (it used to be wrong for me to find that attractive, but now it is legitimate and allowed I find that I can feel free to enjoy a post-pregnancy woman's body just as much as a woman's body when she's never had a baby).

It's also the reason why some men have affairs with much younger women in a mid-life crisis. They can't challenge the idea that they must only find women pretty who are a certain age. I am not at all suggesting your DH would do this, but it's the kind of idea which I guess can become that, which shows that he needs to challenge it a bit maybe?

Anyhow, I just wondered if that might be a part of what's going on for DH. It may well not be at all, but I thought I'd share it anyway. I'd also like to say that I really hope no-one experiences what I've written there as being an unhelpful generalisation. I'm not saying all men do this at all. Just that it is pretty common, and I think very understandable. I think it is a coping strategy I'd have been likely to adopt myself as a confused 11 yr old boy!

So I guess what I am concluding is that your DH may well need to question his own rules and norms about what it is ok to find attractive and why. However I strongly question that you are the person to do this with, it's simply too vulnerable. If I always found bald men unsexy, this is clearly something I need to work through in the next 20 years as my OH is receeding by the year. However it wouldn't be good for me to think outloud to him about that, as he may feel it is his fault somehow. It's not, we ALL change, and while none of us at 20 are desperately attracted to 75 year olds, its to be hoped we learn to, cos in the next 40 odd years, that's who we're going to bed with, and hopefully still having a lovely time.

Just a few thoughts, I hope they are of use to you and again, so sorry about such a hard conversation, and I very much hope he can reassure you soon that he is talking about HIMSELF not your inadequacy.

Love Weezl xxx

SusanC_2

Becles wrote: »

Charlotte is keen to have large quantities of babies too. The numbers and sexes change frequently and they all have bizarre names :rotfl:

Alice's always have bizarre names too. My favourites were two sisters called Chitter and Chatter and two brothers called Kicker and Locker. She's been quite consistent about her plans though for about three months - she's going to get married,live in Sacriston, have ten daughters, get baby things from us and they'll visit us on Sundays.

delain wrote: »

Oh and twin1 apparently told OH that she's not going to have a job she's going to be a mum like me :eek:

I hope he told her that being a mum is a job.

Becles wrote: »

Had to write a note in for James as someone is making stupid insults, then saying "come on then, punch me" to make him snap. It seems they want James to punch them so they can go crying and get James into trouble.

Good on James for resisting. I once offered to fight a lad who was trying to get my brother to fight him. He clearly had no sense as his friend had to physically prevent him accepting the offer even though I was Y13 and he was Y7.

sir_monster wrote: »

did anyone's dh go off them after a baby?? we haven't dtd since baby (over 5 months) so basically after trying to intiate things it comes out that he doesn't really fancy me anymore as i have put on weight (i am a stone over my heaviest pre baby and now a size 16 compared to a size 12 to 14 before). I feel really down now and have been trying to lose weight by going swimming twice a week and walking more but main prob is as I'm bfing I can't stop eating!! He says he still loves me, wants to be with me but just doesn't find me attractive! I do love him but it does make me question being with someone who is shallow?

:grouphug: That must be very upsetting.

Becles

sir_monster wrote: »

did anyone's dh go off them after a baby?? we haven't dtd since baby (over 5 months) so basically after trying to intiate things it comes out that he doesn't really fancy me anymore as i have put on weight

We've only done it a couple of times since Charlotte was born. He's never told me the true reasons but he did tell me I was fat when he was drunk once so I guess that is why. Bit ironic since he's piled on the weight since his accident, but I don't love him any less. Don't know why he doesn't fancy me any more as I'm not that bad looking. Hope you manage to get things sorted out xx

I've been selected as a giver on World Book Night. I'm getting 48 copies of a Marian Keyes book. I said in my application that I'd give them out at school to other parents/grandparents. We keep being told in school newsletters than we should encourage the children to read and love books, and I think one of the best examples a parent can set is by letting the children see them enjoying books.

workinmummy

Sir M, I don't know what to say, that won't get censored by the swear filter. Hugs for you.

Becles wrote: »

I've been selected as a giver on World Book Night. I'm getting 48 copies of a Marian Keyes book. I said in my application that I'd give them out at school to other parents/grandparents. We keep being told in school newsletters than we should encourage the children to read and love books, and I think one of the best examples a parent can set is by letting the children see them enjoying books.

Marian Keyes is fab. She does chik-lit at its best. And Rachels Holiday is a once of her finest. I hope the parents take you up on the book offer and escape between the pages to Dublin and New York for a good laugh.:D

Buttonmoons

Becles wrote: »

We've only done it a couple of times since Charlotte was born. He's never told me the true reasons but he did tell me I was fat when he was drunk once so I guess that is why. Bit ironic since he's piled on the weight since his accident, but I don't love him any less. Don't know why he doesn't fancy me any more as I'm not that bad looking. Hope you manage to get things sorted out xx

I've been selected as a giver on World Book Night. I'm getting 48 copies of a Marian Keyes book. I said in my application that I'd give them out at school to other parents/grandparents. We keep being told in school newsletters than we should encourage the children to read and love books, and I think one of the best examples a parent can set is by letting the children see them enjoying books.

Beccles that post has made me very sad.

I think you are gorgeous, no really, you have a lovely face, nice pouty lips gorgeeeeeeeous long hair.

I know you love him, and I don't think I have ever been in love so I probably can't relate, but why would you stay with someone who doesn't make you feel wanted/desireable/attractive?

It's just a curious Q. ((hugs))

and as much as I've moaned about Idris, even when I piled on weight from a size 12 to a mumble mumble cough 24....he still told me I was beautiful and still wanted to have sex with me, the flip side to that was I of course did not as I felt vulgar.