Bitter sister in law

Alittlesad

ceridwen wrote: »

Well - first off....I still don't know how SIL found out.

Was she told directly to her face or in what other way was she told?

She heard on the phone from her mother (my MIL) a few days before Christmas and then we toasted the pregnancy on Christmas day in her presence. This was when she made her feelings known and didn't raise her glass to the baby.

ceridwen

Ah - so she was told secondhand and on the phone - ie the best way she could have been told.

Oh dear - to the raising of glasses at Christmas in front of her. That would have been understandable for you - but very embarrassing and awkward for her and it would have been better if the person who proposed the toast had chosen some point to do so when she wasnt present in the room. Because it was done when she was in the room - an awkward situation arose.

I cant say what I would have done if a SIL had got pregnant with a 3rd child in detail. I would have tried to totally ignore the whole thing and say/do absolutely nothing and "forget" about getting presents for any of the children (rather than having the 3rd child feeling "singled out").

I have neither seen nor read about how someone who knows about overpopulation ever dealt with being told that someone "close" was having a 3rd child. Therefore - I literally do not know how to deal with this - other than avoiding the subject totally. If I had seen or read about someone handling this situation well then I would know what to do - I would just remember their "method" and copy it word for word.

I guess its the same as any other situation - some of us at least watch and listen as to how others cope in a situation, pick out the best method we have spotted and copy it.

So "Ah yes...situation no. 3...a friend has lost someone close to them. I remember that person x dealt with it very well by doing so-and-so. Thats what I will do then." "Ah yes...situation no. 4....someone has got a better job...they are due to be congratulated. I will congratulate them then and say that I am happy for them."

This situation has simply never arisen near me - so I cant tell you. I'm hoping in the course of this thread to learn how to deal with one like it.

Alittlesad

ceridwen wrote: »

Ah - so she was told secondhand and on the phone - ie the best way she could have been told.

Oh dear - to the raising of glasses at Christmas in front of her. That would have been understandable for you - but very embarrassing and awkward for her and it would have been better if the person who proposed the toast had chosen some point to do so when she wasnt present in the room. Because it was done when she was in the room - an awkward situation arose.

I cant say what I would have done if a SIL had got pregnant with a 3rd child in detail. I would have tried to totally ignore the whole thing and say/do absolutely nothing and "forget" about getting presents for any of the children (rather than having the 3rd child feeling "singled out").

I have neither seen nor read about how someone who knows about overpopulation ever dealt with being told that someone "close" was having a 3rd child. Therefore - I literally do not know how to deal with this - other than avoiding the subject totally. If I had seen or read about someone handling this situation well then I would know what to do - I would just remember their "method" and copy it word for word.

I guess its the same as any other situation - some of us at least watch and listen as to how others cope in a situation, pick out the best method we have spotted and copy it.

So "Ah yes...situation no. 3...a friend has lost someone close to them. I remember that person x dealt with it very well by doing so-and-so. Thats what I will do then." "Ah yes...situation no. 4....someone has got a better job...they are due to be congratulated. I will congratulate them then and say that I am happy for them."

This situation has simply never arisen near me - so I cant tell you. I'm hoping in the course of this thread to learn how to deal with one like it.

I think you are saying that there was nothing to do here other than not to mention the new baby at all in order to spare her feelings. It's a shame she gave no consideration to our feelings in the circumstances.

I'm very interested to know that she is not alone in her behaviour. I really thought she might be unique judging by the posts on this thread.

Would you really not ever buy presents for your nieces and nephews again if your sibling had a third child? :eek: Sorry, but I love my siblings' children dearly and relish buying them gifts and spending time with them. But perhaps you are not as close to your family as I am to mine

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ceridwen

This isnt about me.

Its about how people react all round in a family if a 3rd child is born - both those who wanted it and how other people outside this "nuclear family" react if they know about overpopulation.

I think it was tactless of the person who made the "toast" to the 3rd child to do so right in front of SIL - particularly with it only being a few days after she was told - so she hadnt had time to "check out" anywhere what would be the best way to react to this (consistent with not condoning it on the one hand - or upsetting you on the other hand).

She was and is in a very difficult situation and I feel sorry for her. Poor woman can't win whatever she does...

EDIT: Would I be right that maybe a lot of her friends/colleagues would be off on leave right now - because of it being a University vacation time (as I imagine she has some sort of job along University academic or similar type lines....??). If this is the case - then she simply hasnt had access to that many people to "run the situation past" and ask how they would react...hence she didnt know how to..

Alittlesad

ceridwen wrote: »

This isnt about me.

Its about how people react all round in a family if a 3rd child is born - both those who wanted it and how other people outside this "nuclear family" react if they know about overpopulation.

I think it was tactless of the person who made the "toast" to the 3rd child to do so right in front of SIL - particularly with it only being a few days after she was told - so she hadnt had time to "check out" anywhere what would be the best way to react to this (consistent with not condoning it on the one hand - or upsetting you on the other hand).

She was and is in a very difficult situation and I feel sorry for her. Poor woman can't win whatever she does...

Sorry, I wasn't trying to make it about you but you have clearly alot of empathy for this woman and I am trying to understand her so thought if you explained your reasoning behind cutting out your siblings' children, I might begin to understand hers.

Alittlesad

ceridwen wrote: »

EDIT: Would I be right that maybe a lot of her friends/colleagues would be off on leave right now - because of it being a University vacation time (as I imagine she has some sort of job along University academic or similar type lines....??). If this is the case - then she simply hasnt had access to that many people to "run the situation past" and ask how they would react...hence she didnt know how to..

I'm curious as to why you would think she's academic? She's a clerical worker and has only had the bank holidays off I think. From what she says she is not friendly with her colleagues and speaks in very hostile terms about them.

ceridwen

I never allowed myself to get that close to my siblings' children. I have summed them up pretty well I feel and knew there was a chance that they would have more than 2 - so therefore did the pre-emptive action of "don't get that close to nos 1 and 2 - in case they have a no. 3". That way - it wouldnt have been that obvious if I had had to "withdraw back" and "forget" about any contact with nos 1 and 2. So - the children didnt have an "aunt" figure they might well have had if I had been able to be sure that there wouldnt be more than 2 children IYSWIM.

So - I foresaw the possibility of this situation many years before it might have come up and had distanced myself a bit accordingly.

I take children the same way as adults - some I like (ie the nice, polite, intelligent, chatty type ones), some I dont like (ie the badly-behaved, not that bright but try to hide it, etc) ones. I'm not either a child-lover or child-hater - each person gets assessed in their own right so to say.

SIL probably is wondering how to maintain the same level of "contact" with the children you have already - without bringing child no. 3 into the equation. On from that - she wont want to treat child no. 3 any differently. Hence all round - she is in a very difficult situation and probably wishing to goodness this had never happened and literally doesnt know how to deal with it now it has. Hence - her comments over the years about hoping you wouldnt have a third child. She obviously feared you would and knew it would put her in an awkward situation.

EDIT: Bear in mind that right now she is probably feeling pretty angry and upset - as in "How COULD someone so close to me DO this? Bad enough for other people to have more than 2 - but someone so close to me doing this? How could they?". I expect those are the exact thoughts going through her mind right now and she is having to try very hard not to come right out with them. It IS upsetting/cause of anger when one spots a total stranger doing something you believe to be/know to be "wrong" - but when one spots someone very close doing so - it is very very difficult indeed wondering how to deal with it.

Please do bear in mind she quite likely hasnt seen an "example" of how to deal with this situation - so really doesnt know how to. Also - she needs time for access to more friends/colleagues to ask them how to react to this situation.

Alittlesad

ceridwen wrote: »

I never allowed myself to get that close to my siblings' children. I have summed them up pretty well I feel and knew there was a chance that they would have more than 2 - so therefore did the pre-emptive action of "don't get that close to nos 1 and 2 - in case they have a no. 3". That way - it wouldnt have been that obvious if I had had to "withdraw back" and "forget" about any contact with nos 1 and 2. So - the children didnt have an "aunt" figure they might well have had if I had been able to be sure that there wouldnt be more than 2 children IYSWIM.

So - I foresaw the possibility of this situation many years before it might have come up and had distanced myself a bit accordingly.

I take children the same way as adults - some I like (ie the nice, polite, intelligent, chatty type ones), some I dont like (ie the badly-behaved, not that bright but try to hide it, etc) ones. I'm not either a child-lover or child-hater - each person gets assessed in their own right so to say.

SIL probably is wondering how to maintain the same level of "contact" with the children you have already - without bringing child no. 3 into the equation. On from that - she wont want to treat child no. 3 any differently. Hence all round - she is in a very difficult situation and probably wishing to goodness this had never happened and literally doesnt know how to deal with it now it has. Hence - her comments over the years about hoping you wouldnt have a third child. She obviously feared you would and knew it would put her in an awkward situation.

Well I cannot even begin to understand your reasoning or your "pre-emptive" move to not be an aunt to your neices/nephews but I won't judge you for it.

Thanks for your input.

Alittlesad

ceridwen wrote: »

EDIT: Bear in mind that right now she is probably feeling pretty angry and upset - as in "How COULD someone so close to me DO this? Bad enough for other people to have more than 2 - but someone so close to me doing this? How could they?". I expect those are the exact thoughts going through her mind right now and she is having to try very hard not to come right out with them. It IS upsetting/cause of anger when one spots a total stranger doing something you believe to be/know to be "wrong" - but when one spots someone very close doing so - it is very very difficult indeed wondering how to deal with it.

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Erm. I'm having a third baby. I haven't committed a crime.

Edinburghlass_2

*shakes head in disbelieve*

OP, you don't need someone like this in your baby's life.