Bitter sister in law

geri1965_2

ceridwen wrote: »

I never allowed myself to get that close to my siblings' children. I have summed them up pretty well I feel and knew there was a chance that they would have more than 2 - so therefore did the pre-emptive action of "don't get that close to nos 1 and 2 - in case they have a no. 3". That way - it wouldnt have been that obvious if I had had to "withdraw back" and "forget" about any contact with nos 1 and 2. So - the children didnt have an "aunt" figure they might well have had if I had been able to be sure that there wouldnt be more than 2 children IYSWIM.

So - I foresaw the possibility of this situation many years before it might have come up and had distanced myself a bit accordingly.

Are you actually a human being, or a robot?

mrcow

Alittlesad wrote: »

Erm. I'm having a third baby. I haven't committed a crime.

Exactly.

It's got nothing to do with "breaking it to her gently" or having to be tactful around her. The woman has behaved like an idiot. Her words/deeds need to be treated so accordingly.

She's obviously seems to be under the misapprehension that her opinion on the matter of how many children you have is somehow interesting to others. The fact is, it's not. No one cares what she thinks. If she wants to be rude about your family or your children, I suggest she does the dignified thing and does so within the four walls of her own house and when you're not present.

She had days to think about this and then chose to behave in this way in front of everyone. She has been rude and ill-mannered.

Is she single? If so, is it really a surprise?

maria6259

ceridwen wrote: »

I never allowed myself to get that close to my siblings' children. I have summed them up pretty well I feel and knew there was a chance that they would have more than 2 - so therefore did the pre-emptive action of "don't get that close to nos 1 and 2 - in case they have a no. 3". That way - it wouldnt have been that obvious if I had had to "withdraw back" and "forget" about any contact with nos 1 and 2. So - the children didnt have an "aunt" figure they might well have had if I had been able to be sure that there wouldnt be more than 2 children IYSWIM.

So - I foresaw the possibility of this situation many years before it might have come up and had distanced myself a bit accordingly.

I take children the same way as adults - some I like (ie the nice, polite, intelligent, chatty type ones), some I dont like (ie the badly-behaved, not that bright but try to hide it, etc) ones. I'm not either a child-lover or child-hater - each person gets assessed in their own right so to say.

SIL probably is wondering how to maintain the same level of "contact" with the children you have already - without bringing child no. 3 into the equation. On from that - she wont want to treat child no. 3 any differently. Hence all round - she is in a very difficult situation and probably wishing to goodness this had never happened and literally doesnt know how to deal with it now it has. Hence - her comments over the years about hoping you wouldnt have a third child. She obviously feared you would and knew it would put her in an awkward situation.

EDIT: Bear in mind that right now she is probably feeling pretty angry and upset - as in "How COULD someone so close to me DO this? Bad enough for other people to have more than 2 - but someone so close to me doing this? How could they?". I expect those are the exact thoughts going through her mind right now and she is having to try very hard not to come right out with them. It IS upsetting/cause of anger when one spots a total stranger doing something you believe to be/know to be "wrong" - but when one spots someone very close doing so - it is very very difficult indeed wondering how to deal with it.

Please do bear in mind she quite likely hasnt seen an "example" of how to deal with this situation - so really doesnt know how to. Also - she needs time for access to more friends/colleagues to ask them how to react to this situation.

What an idiot
What's it got to do with you or the SIL how many children people have
Your siblings and their children are better off without you

Alittlesad

mrcow wrote: »

Is she single? If so, is it really a surprise?

Yes she is and has been since before I met my husband 10 years ago.

ceridwen

geri1965 wrote: »

Are you actually a human being, or a robot?

I tend to think there are two ways of thinking:
- basically rationally
- basically emotionally

Being someone who basically thinks rationally is just as valid as being someone who basically thinks emotionally. No value judgements implied - or expected!

robpw2

lol and if you all found out the op was unemployed you would all be bitter too ..

(not saying you are op )

bunty109

OP I really wouldn't bother with a letter to your SIL: maybe at some point just say there's no need to buy presents for any of the children. I'm shocked that people think your SIL should be treated with kid gloves because she doesn't think you should have more children. She was "warned" you were pregnant. She doesn't have to be happy about it, but neither does she have to express her opinions when the rest of the family wished to celebrate (and I'm sure she realised that was going to happen).

I have very strong opinions about a lot of things, but I like to think I'd never not have a relationship with a child just because I disagreed with their parents' decision to have a third, fourth, fifth etc (as it happens I don't have an issue!) or because of something else their parents did that I disagreed with. I'd be missing out on my opportunity to be a part of that person's life and wouldn't want to make them feel that their life is "wrong" just because they are one of a family or 5 rather than a family of 4. I think sending her letters is pandering to her TBH: she sounds rather lacking in the emotional intelligence department to handle this the way she did when she had fair warning.

All the best with your pregnancy!

January20

Could we not start on the name calling Maria6259? After all, if you want people to accept your opinion as valid, you also have to accept other people's opinions as valid too! if you don't agree with ceridwen, fine but don't call her an idiot. It doesn't give your argument any more weight. Quite the opposite!

Abbafan1972

ceridwen wrote: »

I never allowed myself to get that close to my siblings' children. I have summed them up pretty well I feel and knew there was a chance that they would have more than 2 - so therefore did the pre-emptive action of "don't get that close to nos 1 and 2 - in case they have a no. 3". That way - it wouldnt have been that obvious if I had had to "withdraw back" and "forget" about any contact with nos 1 and 2. So - the children didnt have an "aunt" figure they might well have had if I had been able to be sure that there wouldnt be more than 2 children IYSWIM.

So - I foresaw the possibility of this situation many years before it might have come up and had distanced myself a bit accordingly.

I take children the same way as adults - some I like (ie the nice, polite, intelligent, chatty type ones), some I dont like (ie the badly-behaved, not that bright but try to hide it, etc) ones. I'm not either a child-lover or child-hater - each person gets assessed in their own right so to say.

SIL probably is wondering how to maintain the same level of "contact" with the children you have already - without bringing child no. 3 into the equation. On from that - she wont want to treat child no. 3 any differently. Hence all round - she is in a very difficult situation and probably wishing to goodness this had never happened and literally doesnt know how to deal with it now it has. Hence - her comments over the years about hoping you wouldnt have a third child. She obviously feared you would and knew it would put her in an awkward situation.

EDIT: Bear in mind that right now she is probably feeling pretty angry and upset - as in "How COULD someone so close to me DO this? Bad enough for other people to have more than 2 - but someone so close to me doing this? How could they?". I expect those are the exact thoughts going through her mind right now and she is having to try very hard not to come right out with them. It IS upsetting/cause of anger when one spots a total stranger doing something you believe to be/know to be "wrong" - but when one spots someone very close doing so - it is very very difficult indeed wondering how to deal with it.

Please do bear in mind she quite likely hasnt seen an "example" of how to deal with this situation - so really doesnt know how to. Also - she needs time for access to more friends/colleagues to ask them how to react to this situation.

So what if they decide to have 3 children? I would have loved Nieces or Nephews in my life, but I don't have any siblings myself, so will never experience that joy.

OH has a brother, therefore he has a niece and nephew but we haven't seen them in years as unfortunately BIL is a complete kn0b with a chip on his shoulder the size of USA.

lostinrates

geri1965 wrote: »

Are you actually a human being, or a robot?

I actually think its a very human reaction...full of emotion,confusion and confliction. And flawed..which ever way you play it. My reaction from the smae position would be different,but then I wonder if I have the courage of my convictions or whether I'm hypocritical. I thinkits more robotic to smile, close of emotions and play things perfectly.

I also think its a shame that in a discussion about what can't be viewed as anything other than unpleasant interchange over a difference of views then the minority view here is considered fair game for attack.