Bitter sister in law

BigBlackcat

longhotbath wrote: »

Hi alittlesad, Congratulations on your pregnancy, and I hope that it goes very smoothly.

I have 3 children, and met some bizarre hostility when I announced my 3rd pregnancy. I was told by friends that tables in resturants only seat 4 ( ie 2 adults and 2 children, and that cheap holiday deals are set up for 4), by a close friend who has a 7 seater car to ferry her 2 around!!

My sister announced that we would be 'dead to her once the child was born' !! she has 2 children, and has kept true to her word. She lives a mile away, and has seen ds2 4 times in his life ( he is 6) - at mutual friends parties, though he does get a gift token with the other 2 at birthdays ( often very late or incredibly early) and at christmas. She declined to meet him in the hospital, or shortly afterwards, and I havnt asked her to again - I am not going to beg!

Ds1 is severely disabled and is life limited, and it was our choice to have a third child, partly because we didnt feel our family was 'complete' even before ds1 was born, and we didnt want dd to be an only child (ds1 became seriously ill a few weeks after I found out I was pregnant with ds2. Very stressful pregnancy).
My sister is very controlling, and cuts off members of the family for years if they dont live their lives according to her views. My parents and her husband and his family tiptoe around her, and she is very vocal in her disgust. She has issues, not me, and I dont need to be like her.

ds2 is a joy, as are our other 2 .

As for over populating the country - these are our future tax payers, and pension payers - have any of the 'overpopulation' soothsayers thought about that angle???

I hope you have a fantastic pregnancy - we are all different - life would be intollerable if we were all the same, but I hope that her negativity doesnt get to you.

How terrible:(.

I cannot fathom why anyone would think they have a say in someone elses reproductive choices.

Enjoy your wonderful family:)

eezer

ceridwen wrote: »

How to get into an argument scenario no. 101.

Those who are childless and know about overpopulation have heard this "argument" many many times before......it doesnt endear the person making this "argument" to us.

If you read the original post, it appears to be the SIL that's the argumentative one - always quick to give her opinions about over population when the reality of someone having a third child has nothing to do with her. It's for the original poster to decide if she should fight fire with fire or adopt a more submissive response. From the sound of it, the poster doesn't have to endear themselves to a bitter relative - quite the opposite.

lostinrates

longhotbath wrote: »

As for over populating the country - these are our future tax payers, and pension payers - have any of the 'overpopulation' soothsayers thought about that angle???
.

IME very few have NOT thought about it from that angle.My opinions on that are, frankly, I think the planet and the health of the majority of species upon it is more important that the short term economic prosperity of one species. That doesn't mean I hate people or children or luxury...just that I also love nature, the idea of a healthy planet and luxury being available to future generations...so putting my friends children and grandchildren etc before my own pension.

edit: although, again, its interesting that its ''acceptable'' to talk about the opposite view in a derogatory manner while complaining that they are unsympathetic to ones own opinion.

longhotbath

Hi lostinrates - I wasnt trying to be derogatory - just put another thought across - isnt it the French who were providing 'bonuses' to those with more children, as they have a falling birth rate and were concerned about their pension system??

For us it was a very deep 'our family is not complete' feeling, combined with our own very specific reasons.

I dont expect other people to voice their opinions of our choices, and would never ever be vocal about other peoples choices. I always think back to wedding dresses - I loved mine, and have occasionally wondered at the 'awful' choices that other brides have made, but by the same token, some of my guests probably wondered why I ever chose my dress. But I would never make my views known, and neither have they!!

geoffky

she is entitled to her opinion and in some respects i agree with her..we as a couple decided we would only have two children as any more would be irresponsible of us and the last thing we wanted was any reliance on the state for any money because by having a third it made money tight..but i also respect other peoples choice to have four or five if they want.

milliebear00001

ceridwen wrote: »

We dont know what way the sister found out the news of course. We can only speculate. If she heard about 2ndhand - then she could have said nothing and just stopped buying presents for any of the children. Not a word said - and sister-in-law duly been clear on sticking to her principles/conveyed her opinion without having actually done or said anything.

She may have been told directly to her face - with an expectant/"now congratulate us" look on the face. THAT would have been hugely embarrassing/awkward for her - hence put on the spot and therefore only able to give one possible response on the spur of the moment (ie one the O.P. wouldnt like).

It IS a very difficult situation for anyone who knows about overpopulation - wondering how to react on a personal level with anyone who has more than 2 children (ie you dont want to be nasty - but you don't want to seem to condone it either). Hence we usually tend to react with saying/doing precisely nothing of any description - hence I cant help wondering whether sister-in-law wasnt given the chance of "saying/doing precisely nothing".

That little bit is what makes my blood boil. The word 'condoning' suggests approval. They don't give a flying fig whether or not you 'condone' their choice. I don't 'condone' plenty of things other people do in life. Do I think it's always appropriate to make my feelings about those choices clear - absolutely not!

Do I tell the couple who don't go to Church, but get married in one and get their kid Christened in one they are wrong? Do I tell my neighbours that their choice to send their child to a private school is against my own personal beliefs? No. Unless I am ASKED for my opinion, I keep my opinions to myself and don't assume anybody - especially those clearly making a different choice - would be in any way interested in hearing them.

Whether or not you 'condone' having more than two children is irrelevant. You can still be happy for the couple's obvious happiness in their choice, and you can congratulate them on that.

lostinrates

longhotbath wrote: »

Hi lostinrates - I wasnt trying to be derogatory - just put another thought across - isnt it the French who were providing 'bonuses' to those with more children, as they have a falling birth rate and were concerned about their pension system??

For us it was a very deep 'our family is not complete' feeling, combined with our own very specific reasons.

I dont expect other people to voice their opinions of our choices, and would never ever be vocal about other peoples choices. I always think back to wedding dresses - I loved mine, and have occasionally wondered at the 'awful' choices that other brides have made, but by the same token, some of my guests probably wondered why I ever chose my dress. But I would never make my views known, and neither have they!!

OK, I accept that, but you did call people ''sooth sayers'' which felt -lets say..not neutral- and seem to suggest they had no thought of no other angle than their own. Which I, personally found derogatory but happily accept it wasn't meant as it read.

fwiw those of us with out children....by choice and/or otherwise get PLENTY of comment all the time...and no, that doesn't make this situation right either. I just feel that the discussion is very one sided and that people are happy to discuss those who feel different in negative tones ...for them having been negative.

shellsuit

geoffky wrote: »

she is entitled to her opinion and in some respects i agree with her..we as a couple decided we would only have two children as any more would be irresponsible of us and the last thing we wanted was any reliance on the state for any money because by having a third it made money tight..but i also respect other peoples choice to have four or five if they want.

What if the 2nd birth had resulted in twins or more?

Or what if your wife fell pregnant accidentally because her contraception failed? (If she's been sterilised or you have had the snip, what if that happened just before whichever of you had the op?)

I'm not picking, I'm genuinely interested in what your response would be

longhotbath

Sorry lostinrates.

I have 2 sil's who do not have children, and would never comment on why - I do not live their life.
( as a parent of a disabled child, enough people have their say on me..)

I'll stop hijaking the thread -

best wishes alittlesad.

Absinthe_Fairy

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP :beer:. Your SIL has been pretty tactless - there's a time and a place to voice your opinion on how many children are 'appropriate' but I don't think the moment you are raising a glass to your new baby is it!

Whatever you think about overpopulation, I'm gobsmacked that people would think it's ok to cut out nieces, nephews etc from your lives just because in your view their parents had too many children. Whatever your views are in general on having children, to ignore an individual human being just because in your opinion they have too many siblings is... I can't even find the words. There are too many people in the world feeling depressed and worthless as it is, without making someone feel as though they shouldn't have even been born.

A good friend of mine has three children and when she announced her third pregnancy I must admit my initial reaction was "oh no, more expense on presents!". I didn't tell her of course, I congratulated her and I always make sure to spend the same amount on each child's present. If I was facing financial difficulties I'd cut down on the amount I spent per child, not ignore one. None of the children asked to be born and none of them deserve to be treated less favourably than the others.

That would be the big thing for me OP - threatening to treat your youngest child differently. As adults you and your OH might be able to sympathise with SIL and accept her point of view, although you don't agree - but your youngest child would feel awful if they were ignored by their auntie while the other children weren't.