Bitter sister in law

Mankysteve

lostinrates wrote: »

Its quite possile she does hold those views...I do...but I also respect that not everyone agrees, and they are just my views. Anyway, I'd just let her get on with it and leave her to her own devices and get on with your own lives. What does your partner think?

At this point in time a very valid point. We have a serious over population problem on this planet and it is a bit irresponsible to increase this planet population when it can't handle the current human population. we really need to start to see a reduction in numbers very soon before we're unable to survive as a species.

She expressing this opinion does not make her bitter, she entitled to it and entitled to express, we don't change society by not expressing out self and keeping our views to ourselves.

But all that said and done it a bit cruel and off to basically cut this child off. She can state her viwe about it being wrong but it's done now and the child to be is still part of the family and deserves the love and attention of the rest of the family.

NSFW http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YkgDhDa4HHo

pupsicola

I dont think she is sad at not having kids of her own. My best friend cant have children, something that upsets her greatly. Yet whenever one of our group of friends has announced a pregnancy, she has managed to be happy for them.

I know for a fact that whatever she is feeling inside she would never condemm someone for having as many kids as they want. She would also never threaten to treat this new child any different from its siblings. She is godmother to my kids and to a couple of my friends kids.

I think your sil has deep problems. Its no wonder she is lonely and disliked.

mumps

People have a right to their beliefs. I have four children and don't feel any need to justify that, I don't expect people without children to justify it either. I don't think all older women with children are the same, any more than people with children are all the same. I know two older women who are childless or childfree (choose which you prefer) who are wonderful aunt/god mother respectively. They love time with children, one chose this one didn't but they are both great with children and well loved by all the children in the extended family. The one who didn't want children of her own feels she has the best of both worlds, particularly when the rest of us are going through the phase of having teenagers who hate us/resent us/are embarassed by us, she then comes into her own as a wise older woman they can confide in. We just grit our teeth when her words of wisdom are listened to and repeated to us and are grateful that even if they won't listen to us they do listen to soeone.

I work with a woman who has no children, she finds this hard, I could say she is bitter but that might be harsh. Everyone tiptoes round her, puts up with her rants about children, what they cost her as a tax payer etc. I don't, I don't feel I need to. People have said to me that I should be more sensative. My reply is I lost my parents when I was quite young and she still has hers, we are roughly the same age. She has never shown any sense of feeling she shouldn't talk about her parents and her wonderful relationship with her mother in front of me, and why should she? I do feel a sense of loss when I think of people having their parents around, I wish mine could have met my children but I don't think she should hide her parents because of this and I don't think I should hide my children/grandchildren. The thing is that she is quite accepting of mine, asks about the children and admires my photos of latest grandchild, in fact we have never discussed it or had any confrontation about it but in a perfectly normal way exchange news of our families.

To the OP I don't think your sil has reacted well but I wouldn't make a fuss. I think I would say to her that with the new baby coming and the current state of the economy you think it would be a good idea to stop presents between you. I am sure your children have presents from plenty of other people so won't really miss it. The other alterntive would be to suggest that you all put the money you would have spent on presents for each other together to buy a charity gift, a well for a village in India or something. She could be asked to help your children look at the alternatives and that might be a positive thing for all concerned.

Good luck with the baby and I hope she can stay involved with the family as she sounds a bit sad.

shellsuit

ceridwen wrote: »

This isnt about me.

Its about how people react all round in a family if a 3rd child is born - both those who wanted it and how other people outside this "nuclear family" react if they know about overpopulation.

I think it was tactless of the person who made the "toast" to the 3rd child to do so right in front of SIL - particularly with it only being a few days after she was told - so she hadnt had time to "check out" anywhere what would be the best way to react to this (consistent with not condoning it on the one hand - or upsetting you on the other hand).

She was and is in a very difficult situation and I feel sorry for her. Poor woman can't win whatever she does...

EDIT: Would I be right that maybe a lot of her friends/colleagues would be off on leave right now - because of it being a University vacation time (as I imagine she has some sort of job along University academic or similar type lines....??). If this is the case - then she simply hasnt had access to that many people to "run the situation past" and ask how they would react...hence she didnt know how to..

Haha. Hahahahahaha! :rotfl::rotfl:

Are you for real????

Poor woman?? Why???????????

This isn't a woman who can't have children (I might understand if it was).

This is someone who is rude and ignorant and her thoughts and feelings have nothing to do with it!

If she doesn't like the fact the OP is pregnant again, she should have shut her her mouth and dealt with it herself, in her own company.

Why on earth should everyone not have toasted the news just because of this lady?

Poor woman.....!!!!!!? :rotfl::rotfl:

lostinrates

pupsicola wrote: »

I dont think she is sad at not having kids of her own. My best friend cant have children, something that upsets her greatly. Yet whenever one of our group of friends has announced a pregnancy, she has managed to be happy for them.

Not one of my friends would know how my stomach knots up when they announce a pregnancy that I know I can't have (regardless of my views on more then 2 children). Not one. Its not their baggage and neither should it be.

hI'm proud that even though childless I'm seen as a good babysitter and a child friendly adult. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, just that I'd only admit it anonymously on line. When asked about it by a friend with children -and I am asked A LOT - I'd usually say ''well, you play the cards you are dealt,I have my marriage/pets/farm/life...and I get on with it.''because I will not have MY sadnesses put a strain on friendships, and access to children too,whose company I enjoy despite the pangs of sadness I'll not have one of my own...I'd hate it if my friends felt they couldn't bring their kids about for fear of upsetting me.

Googlewhacker

mrcow wrote: »

Exactly.

It's got nothing to do with "breaking it to her gently" or having to be tactful around her. The woman has behaved like an idiot. Her words/deeds need to be treated so accordingly.

She's obviously seems to be under the misapprehension that her opinion on the matter of how many children you have is somehow interesting to others. The fact is, it's not. No one cares what she thinks. If she wants to be rude about your family or your children, I suggest she does the dignified thing and does so within the four walls of her own house and when you're not present.

She had days to think about this and then chose to behave in this way in front of everyone. She has been rude and ill-mannered.

Is she single? If so, is it really a surprise?

I think you'll find the OP cares about her opinion otherwise we wouldn't have this thread about it.

BigBlackcat

The only appropriate response to a pregnancy announcement is, of course, "congratulations". Anything else is unspeakably rude, regardless of any views held.

Op, your SIL's response was both tactless and bizarre.

zzzLazyDaisy

pupsicola wrote: »

I know for a fact that whatever she is feeling inside she would never condemm someone for having as many kids as they want. She would also never threaten to treat this new child any different from its siblings.

I agree with this.

My son and much loved DIL divorced when my two DGD's were tiny. She went on to re-marry and have three more children.

Personally I can't think of anything worse than bringing up five children, and when the last one was conceived they were on benefits, her current OH having been made redundant (he found work soon afterwards). But I would never comment on their decision to have more children, not in a million years, as far as I am concerned, that is their business.

I would also never treat the children differently, even though only the eldest two are related to me by blood, they are all siblings.

longhotbath

Hi alittlesad, Congratulations on your pregnancy, and I hope that it goes very smoothly.

I have 3 children, and met some bizarre hostility when I announced my 3rd pregnancy. I was told by friends that tables in resturants only seat 4 ( ie 2 adults and 2 children, and that cheap holiday deals are set up for 4), by a close friend who has a 7 seater car to ferry her 2 around!!

My sister announced that we would be 'dead to her once the child was born' !! she has 2 children, and has kept true to her word. She lives a mile away, and has seen ds2 4 times in his life ( he is 6) - at mutual friends parties, though he does get a gift token with the other 2 at birthdays ( often very late or incredibly early) and at christmas. She declined to meet him in the hospital, or shortly afterwards, and I havnt asked her to again - I am not going to beg!

Ds1 is severely disabled and is life limited, and it was our choice to have a third child, partly because we didnt feel our family was 'complete' even before ds1 was born, and we didnt want dd to be an only child (ds1 became seriously ill a few weeks after I found out I was pregnant with ds2. Very stressful pregnancy).
My sister is very controlling, and cuts off members of the family for years if they dont live their lives according to her views. My parents and her husband and his family tiptoe around her, and she is very vocal in her disgust. She has issues, not me, and I dont need to be like her.

ds2 is a joy, as are our other 2 .

As for over populating the country - these are our future tax payers, and pension payers - have any of the 'overpopulation' soothsayers thought about that angle???

I hope you have a fantastic pregnancy - we are all different - life would be intollerable if we were all the same, but I hope that her negativity doesnt get to you.

There_Goes_Trouble

lostinrates wrote: »

Not one of my friends would know how my stomach knots up when they announce a pregnancy that I know I can't have (regardless of my views on more then 2 children). Not one. Its not their baggage and neither should it be.

hI'm proud that even though childless I'm seen as a good babysitter and a child friendly adult. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, just that I'd only admit it anonymously on line. When asked about it by a friend with children -and I am asked A LOT - I'd usually say ''well, you play the cards you are dealt,I have my marriage/pets/farm/life...and I get on with it.''because I will not have MY sadnesses put a strain on friendships, and access to children too,whose company I enjoy despite the pangs of sadness I'll not have one of my own...I'd hate it if my friends felt they couldn't bring their kids about for fear of upsetting me.

Absolutely. If anyone ever says anything to me about having never got married or had children my usual answer is 'life doesn't always turn out how you want it to' followed by a swift change of subject. None of my friends know how much I cry when they announce their engagements, pregnancies etc because they don't see that, they only see me smile and congratulate them. As above, I won't allow my sadness to affect my relationships with my friends/family even though I find it very hard to be around their 'perfect' families sometimes.

Being single and childless does not make you bitter. It's how you handle that and cope/don't cope which can make you bitter. If I ever turn out like the OP's S-i-L then my nieces and nephew's have my permission to shoot me!!