Bitter sister in law

eezer

I'd be tempted to be a bit mischievous and point out subtly in conversation that when she is drawing a pension/using the health service etc, your children will be keeping her through their taxes.

I've got four kids and it's absolutely no-one's business but your own. Enjoy them!!

diable

Tell her to save the money and spend it on her herself keeping her self happy as no one else will......

jackieglasgow

An Aspie is a reference to someone with Asperger's Syndrome.

KiKi

Alittlesad wrote: »

Also, to those who have stated that her reaction may be a result of her sadness over not having children. Maybe... but there are lots of things I'm sad about in life but I have the good grace not to take it out on other people.

Oh, I entirely agree that she shouldn't have said she'll exclude your child or taken it out on you.

My point was more that you said some childless people find it easy to 'blame their reason for not having children on saving the planet' (paraphrased). And as a childless woman I just think some would find that very insulting!

Many women feel they need to find excuses as to why they don't have children because it's easier than telling someone you can't conceive, or how sad you are about it. That was all.

I also agree that it's easier to be 'bitter' when you don't have a partner to tell the sad / angry / upsetting aspects of your life to. Everyone takes things out on other people sometimes; you have your husband, I have my friends. Seems like she doesn't really have anyone and used you in this instance. Not saying it was nice of her, but when you're lonely that can happen.

I suppose I'm a 'spinster' (although I hate the term!). I live alone, always have, have no kids etc. I'm not downbeat or bitter about it at all, and I like being alone! I certainly don't get narky with others! But even I will admit that when I see other people getting lovely Christmas presents from their OHs, or all your friends happy as couples, it can be hard, esp at Christmas. And when the "it's not fair"s build up and build up and build up because you have no-one to tell them to, they can sometimes come out in a horrid way. (I haven't done that, I hasten to add - I have lovely friends!)

Bitter people can be difficult to deal with - and of course, a tough life is no excuse. At some point you have to make a decision to try and be happy. I just think that your post about childless people using 'being green' as an excuse was a bit strong. Most childless people aren't being green, IMO. They either don't want kids, or they can't have kids - the latter of which can be utterly devastating.


KiKi

MadDogWoman_2

When friends announced their pregnancies whilst I was in the midst of fertility treatment and not having much luck, I would just withdraw as I was extremely jealous.

Once when a work colleague announced her news, I withdrew, didn't join in any baby conversations as it hurt far too much, a colleague noticed asked me why, I explained in vague details, she kept it confidential but did stop trying to get me to join the conversation.

It's very hard for someone who wants a child who either can't or won't to feel joy when that's all you want in the world (and in my case going to hell and back to try and achieve it), however, it still doesn't give a person an excuse to be rude and talk about excluding that child.

I would wait to see what happens in the future before deciding on a course of action, if she excludes the youngest I would be returning the gifts etc as suggested.

I would love more children but my history excludes that prospect so if that enables another couple to have a larger family so be it.

ceridwen

milliebear00001 wrote: »

I'd have kept my mouth firmly shut, rather than assuming a couple who'd just delightedly announced their third pregnancy would be in any way interested in my views on the subject.

We dont know what way the sister found out the news of course. We can only speculate. If she heard about 2ndhand - then she could have said nothing and just stopped buying presents for any of the children. Not a word said - and sister-in-law duly been clear on sticking to her principles/conveyed her opinion without having actually done or said anything.

She may have been told directly to her face - with an expectant/"now congratulate us" look on the face. THAT would have been hugely embarrassing/awkward for her - hence put on the spot and therefore only able to give one possible response on the spur of the moment (ie one the O.P. wouldnt like).

It IS a very difficult situation for anyone who knows about overpopulation - wondering how to react on a personal level with anyone who has more than 2 children (ie you dont want to be nasty - but you don't want to seem to condone it either). Hence we usually tend to react with saying/doing precisely nothing of any description - hence I cant help wondering whether sister-in-law wasnt given the chance of "saying/doing precisely nothing".

ceridwen

eezer wrote: »

I'd be tempted to be a bit mischievous and point out subtly in conversation that when she is drawing a pension/using the health service etc, your children will be keeping her through their taxes.

How to get into an argument scenario no. 101.

Those who are childless and know about overpopulation have heard this "argument" many many times before......it doesnt endear the person making this "argument" to us.

ceridwen

Alittlesad wrote: »

Ok, I know all about overpopulation and perhaps I am selfish but we had our selfish reasons for wanting number three.
I should also say that the "overpopulation" argument she uses now was not present years ago when she was in the market for marriage and children. It does seem to be something she has only brought up in recent years. Maybe I'm just being cynical but it's easy for someone who never had children because circumstances ensured they didn't to say that they did it to save the planet.

I am in the same agegroup as the SIL - so I know that certainly we DID know about overpopulation back when we were in the main "marrying age group". Hence why I deliberately got sterilised - so that no man I got involved with would even TRY to change my mind about not having any children...I knew then that I was entitled to expect the State to pay for that Op. (because I was doing something helpful to Society - as well as it being what I personally wanted). I remember quite clearly thinking "But - people are sterilised for free in India and given a bonus for having it done. Why cant I be? Its the whole of the world thats overpopulated, not just India.."

Even back then - people had to deliberately have their heads in the sand NOT to have realised at that point in history.

Alittlesad

ceridwen wrote: »

We dont know what way the sister found out the news of course. We can only speculate. If she heard about 2ndhand - then she could have said nothing and just stopped buying presents for any of the children. Not a word said - and sister-in-law duly been clear on sticking to her principles/conveyed her opinion without having actually done or said anything.

She may have been told directly to her face - with an expectant/"now congratulate us" look on the face. THAT would have been hugely embarrassing/awkward for her - hence put on the spot and therefore only able to give one possible response on the spur of the moment (ie one the O.P. wouldnt like).

It IS a very difficult situation for anyone who knows about overpopulation - wondering how to react on a personal level with anyone who has more than 2 children (ie you dont want to be nasty - but you don't want to seem to condone it either). Hence we usually tend to react with saying/doing precisely nothing of any description - hence I cant help wondering whether sister-in-law wasnt given the chance of "saying/doing precisely nothing".

Thank you for your insight into this situation. From your posts it sounds like you would have reacted the same way and with the same reasoning although you are in the minority on this thread.

I admit I find it baffling as I encounter people all the time whose lifestyle choices I disagree with but I realise it's none of my business so keep quiet.
How do YOU think I should react to the situation now then?

ceridwen

Well - first off....I still don't know how SIL found out.

Was she told directly to her face or in what other way was she told?