Bitter sister in law

jcr16

hermoine, we got asked that alot with our 3rd, was the pregnancy planned.

well tbh i don't see that it matter's either way. were in a strong relationship, nice home ,hubby works , i sahm. we will love all our children weather planned or not. i don't see why peeps need to ask. will they view the child any different?

melancholly

i think her opinions are irrelevant.... when someone announces any major decision, people who disapprove have to learn to shut up and be polite! i'm sure lots of people have been in the position of hearing about an engagement and just wanted to say something like 'oh no, they're awful, i think you should dump them since they're a cheat/liar/rude etc etc'. but we don't. we learn that manners are free and that being that blunt has consequences.

if i was the OP, i'd have been quite rude back - something along the lines of 'since you couldn't find anyone to have a child with, one more of ours still gives the same number of two generations'. i don't have any strong opinions on the choice to have children by the way, but i wouldn't have taken that lying down! (although i'd have been thinking self-righteous, smug, spiteful ****, i'd have tried not to go that far!). she needs to learn to think it rather than say it!

pupsicola

Counting_Pennies wrote: »

I have just spent Christmas with a very bitter and twisted Spinster aunt of my OH.

Everyone indulges in her, my nieces nephews and indeed my children even call her Granny, and my mother in law is willing to indulge this to help her feel part of the family and not an outsider.

She had my children on her bed to open the stockings, didn't even think we might like to be involved too. We lay there just listening in. Again, indulging her.

I have to say though that she has a tongue on her, and I have bitten mine in order not to create a scene. But at Christmas it really was the limit. We cooked Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. We were at the inlaws house and were allotted those cooking duties! On the evening following Boxing Day, she took it upon herself to say what I was discussing with another relative was boring, not interested in it, really didn't want to hear another thing. She has openly criticised me, belittled me, and I just had enough. I said that is ok, I am speaking to *****, she said been there done that, not interested. I said I didn't realise I was boring her, and got up to leave the room. She then asked what the outcome was. I ignored her and left the room.

The reason for me replaying the above scenario is that I think these spinsters who have lived for some time just don't realise that they have to temper what they say. No one has ever told them so. People feel sorry for them and they just let them get away with things.

I was furious at yet another put down, rudeness, and not a single recognition of the work we have done.

We left the following morning and I refused to have an indepth conversation with her. Still don't want to talk on the phone.

On our next meet up I have decided if she is rude to me, I shall be polite but firm, that it is her opinion, but that mine is ****, we shall have to beg to differ.

In response to your situation, I would say as above, but follow on that you don't want to see differences with your children, so if she won't get presents for your little one, you would sooner she didn't for any of the children so there is fairness.

I think a nice rebuff will do her good.

Take care

I admire your strength in staying so calm with her. I dont understand why other adults tolerate and indulge someone who is basically so down right rude, though. What benefit to any of you is there of letting her be so horrid. In my house she would not be welcome and would be bluntly told why.

FATBALLZ

There are 2 sides to this really, firstly, I completely agree with her that deliberately having more than 2 kids is irresponsible, the country, and world, are overpopulated and I seriously worry what sort of future we're leaving for the next generations, the !!!! will hit the fan at some point (most likely when oil production can no longer keep up with demand). Awareness of this problem should be discussed more but politically it is far easier to slap a bit of tax on 4x4s rather than challenge the overpopulation problem - 1 child is thousands more times more damaging to environment than a 4x4!

However, her way of expressing her view and taking it out on the child are completely wrong, she does sound a bit OTT so I'd probably just ignore her myself.

milliebear00001

ceridwen wrote: »

What is the "evidence" that she is a bitter person? You view her that way - but others may well not.

She is in a very difficult situation. Put yourself in her shoes for a minute - imagine you ARE her.

Right - you have the views she has and someone extremely close to you (ie your brother) announces they are going to have a 3rd child.

Now - what way can you (in her place) react that will keep both her brother and her principles happy?

In all honesty - what can you suggest that she should have done in her position? What would you like her to have done - ie something that would keep you happy and enable her to continue to be true to herself?

These ARE genuine questions. What DO you think she should have done/said in her position? What would you have done if you were her and had her views?

I'd have kept my mouth firmly shut, rather than assuming a couple who'd just delightedly announced their third pregnancy would be in any way interested in my views on the subject.

Alittlesad

ceridwen wrote: »

What is the "evidence" that she is a bitter person? You view her that way - but others may well not.

She is in a very difficult situation. Put yourself in her shoes for a minute - imagine you ARE her.

Right - you have the views she has and someone extremely close to you (ie your brother) announces they are going to have a 3rd child.

Now - what way can you (in her place) react that will keep both her brother and her principles happy?

In all honesty - what can you suggest that she should have done in her position? What would you like her to have done - ie something that would keep you happy and enable her to continue to be true to herself?

These ARE genuine questions. What DO you think she should have done/said in her position? What would you have done if you were her and had her views?

Sorry but most people I know who know her also think she is "bitter"

And in all honesty, to answer your question, I would have expected her response to be measured and unhurtful, regardless of her beliefs.
I would have thought that her idea of excluding this third child is inexcusable so when you ask what I would have done in her position, it most certainly would not have been what she did as I think it was/is selfish and unkind.

lostinrates

Alittlesad wrote: »

Sorry but most people I know who know her also think she is "bitter"
.

This ost has made me change my mind a little. While I sill think the SiL shoud have kept the opinions I share with her to herself -they are not appropriate to discuss and they are just our views not a dictate from the heavens- and that her it seems she is being discussed and bad mouthed by her sil the op....opinions being discussed about what sort of a ''bitter'' person she is. I feel this is similarly unkind, selfish and opinionated and almost certainly an unwanted opinion to the OP's family and probably pre-dates the inappropriate and nasty outburst!

balletshoes

Alittlesad wrote: »

I'm looking for some advice please.:o

My husband and I delightedly announced at Christmas that I am pregnant with our third child.:j
Unfortunately my husband's sister has been unbelievable in her response.
She is a single (never married) woman in her fifties who has never had children and claims to find anyone with more than 2 children to be irresponsible.
She always said that she would have a problem with us having another child and has said now that she is very disappointed in us and won't be buying presents for this child as it is just adding to the overpopulation of this country.
I do feel a bit sad for her though as she does come across as very bitter that she is alone.
I have always found her odd to be honest but I am really shocked at this and don't know how to react.

Any help would be welcome.

yes, she is odd, and if she does do as she intends, ie not buying presents for your youngest child just because he/she is the youngest of 3, at that point I'd be saying don't bother buying for any of them, and see ya wouldnt want to be ya.

Alittlesad

FATBALLZ wrote: »

There are 2 sides to this really, firstly, I completely agree with her that deliberately having more than 2 kids is irresponsible, the country, and world, are overpopulated and I seriously worry what sort of future we're leaving for the next generations, the !!!! will hit the fan at some point (most likely when oil production can no longer keep up with demand). Awareness of this problem should be discussed more but politically it is far easier to slap a bit of tax on 4x4s rather than challenge the overpopulation problem - 1 child is thousands more times more damaging to environment than a 4x4!

However, her way of expressing her view and taking it out on the child are completely wrong, she does sound a bit OTT so I'd probably just ignore her myself.

Ok, I know all about overpopulation and perhaps I am selfish but we had our selfish reasons for wanting number three.
I should also say that the "overpopulation" argument she uses now was not present years ago when she was in the market for marriage and children. It does seem to be something she has only brought up in recent years. Maybe I'm just being cynical but it's easy for someone who never had children because circumstances ensured they didn't to say that they did it to save the planet.
I don't want to provoke a debate on the issue but really wanted to see if there was a way to deal with someone like her.

Alittlesad

lostinrates wrote: »

This ost has made me change my mind a little. While I sill think the SiL shoud have kept the opinions I share with her to herself -they are not appropriate to discuss and they are just our views not a dictate from the heavens- and that her it seems she is being discussed and bad mouthed by her sil the op....opinions being discussed about what sort of a ''bitter'' person she is. I feel this is similarly unkind, selfish and opinionated and almost certainly an unwanted opinion to the OP's family and probably pre-dates the inappropriate and nasty outburst!

I haven't discussed her. These are extended family members who have made their opinions known to me. I have very much tried to befriend her over the years.