Bitter sister in law

euronorris

ceridwen wrote: »

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I guess the practical way to deal with the presents issue for a 3rd or later child would be to say something about "I'm afraid my finances have got worse now - happening to a lot of us, isnt it?" and don't buy for any of them.

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Or, she could say that whilst he budget stretched to gifts for 2 children, it won't stretch to gifts for 3, so she'll buy a joint/family present from now on. Something they can enjoy together (even if the little one can't join in at first).

euronorris

ceridwen wrote: »

Which would work - if the reason was that the person concerned was too broke to fund presents for a 3rd child too. That is not the case in this situation though...hence the obvious way to go is to treat them all equally and not buy any presents at all.

That leaves another little "how to" situation - ie how to explain to child no 1 and child no 2 why they are no longer getting presents from the person concerned. Think that "explanation" is best coming from the parent concerned - and if they decide to tell some "little white lie" about why not then thats their business/their conscience dealing with it.

Why do the presents need to stop at all? Because the SIL doesn't agree with the parents having more than one child?

What does not buying them gifts achieve (other than less waste for the environment etc)? If it is the waste problem, then a joint present for the 3 of them should remove that issue.

It just seems that, by stopping the gifts, she's trying to punish the parents for their choice by hurting the child.

euronorris

Just_Plain_Jane wrote: »

I disagree. The aunt has had no problems making her sentiments felt to the adults in the family, why should she be allowed to cop out and let someone else explain to the children?

To spare the children's feelings. If tact isn't her strong point, she could end up hurting them hugely, or just downright confusing them (depending on their age). So, for those reasons, I think it's best explained by the parents.

lostinrates

euronorris wrote: »

To spare the children's feelings. If tact isn't her strong point, she could end up hurting them hugely, or just downright confusing them (depending on their age). So, for those reasons, I think it's best explained by the parents.

Does it need to be explained at all? i.e. the children get gifts from parents and grandparents and possibly other friends relatives...perhaps they might not notice...tbh lots of relatives didn't send me gifts as a child or stopped as I got to be a slightly older child.. I don't think its ever occurred to me to wonder why...I'd like to say I'm not greedy enough to expect presents when I was a child, but I doubt it: I would have noticed if my parents didn't give me anything....:D

euronorris

lostinrates wrote: »

Does it need to be explained at all? i.e. the children get gifts from parents and grandparents and possibly other friends relatives...perhaps they might not notice...tbh lots of relatives didn't send me gifts as a child or stopped as I got to be a slightly older child.. I don't think its ever occurred to me to wonder why...I'd like to say I'm not greedy enough to expect presents when I was a child, but I doubt it: I would have noticed if my parents didn't give me anything....:D

I think that depends entirely on the family. I know my neices and nephew would certainly notice if I stopped sending them gifts. But that's because I have chosen to make a big fuss of it in the past, so if I stopped they may well feel it was because I had stopped caring.

On the other hand, I remember a lot of my aunts and uncles stopped buying at various times, for various reasons. Some stopped once you reach a certain age. But money was the main issue. There's a lot of us in the extended family so it gets very expensive. My parents just told me the truth and I accepted it.

tangojulie

Is it possible that the comment about buying a present for this child could have been about buying a present to celebrate its birth? As SIL feels the way she does about overpopulation this would be an entirely understandable reaction.

Even if she did mean no Christmas/birthday presents, it may have been something said in the heat of the moment/anger/distress/whatever, and it may not come to pass.

Either way it might be wise not to inflame things further right now by saying anything more about presents.

Overall this is a difficult situation for everyone involved. I applaud the OP for looking for ways to resolve it but I'm saddened at the general attitude towards SIL shown by many of the posters, and the comments about ceridwen and coolcait who have done no more than ask for a little understanding about what might be going on for SIL, while in no way condoning her behaviour.

Alittlesad

tangojulie wrote: »

Is it possible that the comment about buying a present for this child could have been about buying a present to celebrate its birth? As SIL feels the way she does about overpopulation this would be an entirely understandable reaction.

Even if she did mean no Christmas/birthday presents, it may have been something said in the heat of the moment/anger/distress/whatever, and it may not come to pass.

Either way it might be wise not to inflame things further right now by saying anything more about presents.

Overall this is a difficult situation for everyone involved. I applaud the OP for looking for ways to resolve it but I'm saddened at the general attitude towards SIL shown by many of the posters, and the comments about ceridwen and coolcait who have done no more than ask for a little understanding about what might be going on for SIL, while in no way condoning her behaviour.

My Sil definitely meant all presents.

I too can't condone some of the things that have been said to ceridwen on this thread, though I don't agree with anything she's said really and she did actually defend and condone my SIL's behaiviour several times, which of course she is entirely entitled to do but i thought I should clear that up.:)

I'm very surprised at how many comments this thread has had.
Definitely food for thought and thanks everyone for taking the time to post. :beer:

mumps

Re the issue of marrying someone of another race, I can assure you that some people find this as big an issue as over population. In fact as someone married to someone of another race and with four children I have had more problems with people who feel I have committed a race crime by poluting the gene pool. They feel every bit as justified in making these remarks and I find it just as rude.

Alittlesad

mumps wrote: »

Re the issue of marrying someone of another race, I can assure you that some people find this as big an issue as over population. In fact as someone married to someone of another race and with four children I have had more problems with people who feel I have committed a race crime by poluting the gene pool. They feel every bit as justified in making these remarks and I find it just as rude.

That's not rude. It's downright shocking. :mad:

ceridwen

As regards whether I do or dont "condone" SIL's comment - I am trying to get the message over that she was probably/almost certainly "caught on the hop" by FIL proposing that toast and came straight out in the heat of the moment with a different response to what she might have if she had prepared in advance for this.

When one has what is currently a "minority" viewpoint then - after a while - it becomes clear that there is the necessity to second-guess those times when people might accidentally or deliberately put you on the spot with something they say or do. In a variety of contexts - on a couple of issues - I have found there have been times where I have been unexpectedly put on the spot and not made the best possible response.

By now I mentally run through in advance any "potential awkward moment" scenarios and usually have worked out exactly what I will say/do in response to any "putting on the spot". Some people do it accidentally - though there certainly are people who do it deliberately too. Many people do seem to go through life on the basis that they are pretty "conventional" and they expect others to act in exactly the way they would/think in exactly the way they would - and it feels very pressurising at times to those of us with a different view:(. Time to mentally prepare means one can stick a "neutral" expression carefully onto face and mentally put the barriers up - decide you dont wish the person concerned to even notice you are there and then the person concerned often literally doesnt seem to see you sitting there and rarely "unleashes" an inappropriate or awkward comment. However - if they still manage to notice you and do do so - you are prepared and don't get panicked into reacting differently to how you would wish.