Bitter sister in law

Jacks_xxx

I've found this thread very interesting and I really appreciate everybody who explained their own position in detail, especially the minority views.

As is usual for me I empathise with both sides here. If the SILs strong views are well known then it is crass and insensitive to ask her to toast something she would be horrified about.

Equally, I think she shouldn't have said anything about excluding the forthcoming child. That was crass too.

So far so even, if all the adults can agree to behave more sensitively from now on then I hope it can all be forgotten by the time baby is born.

Just_Plain_Jane

ceridwen wrote: »

I dont give any personal identifying details on MSE - so will not be answering the first question.

Or is it that you are at risk of exposing yourself as a hypocrite if you answer it?

Sweet_Pea_2

SIL sounds like an unusual character. How you handle what she has said depends really on how you feel about what the consequences may be, therefore really quite individual to you and your OH. (ie, you have a blazing row which causes a big family rift, you say nothing as you dont want to cause a rift etc)

I think it is sad that it seems your SIL could have a lovely relationship with all 3 of your children if she desired it, which would benefit them too, but seems that is not likely to happen. This would make me frustrated/sad/angry if I was in your shoes (probably because I would love to be someones auntie but unlikely ever to be) but your SIl would probably never lose a moments sleep over it.

I would also be angry about the present remark, and probably would not have been able to stop myself from saying that "we didnt plan another baby just for presents" I would not tolerate her treating baby no 3 any differently from no's 1 and 2, in any respect including gifts, however she feels it is not right to punish a child. I would say to her that I respect her views about 3rd children and therefore do not wish to place her in an uncomfortable position by leaving one child out, therefore request that it may be better if she didnt buy any gifts at all, and say that the love of a nice auntie means more than any gift, (this may soften her heart you never know) You could show by your attitudes that you are the better person. (yes I know she is entitled to her views but she could at least be polite and tactful about airing them!)

This all sounds very good but to be honest in all reality I would probably have a massive strop about it as she sounds like a really rude and mean person!

spiritsfree

Maybe your SIL is lonely because she has very poor communication skills, but by the sounds of it she is lonely because she`s not a very nice person...the consequence of her lack of empathy and understanding for other people`s feelings ?

I hope that you find a solution that YOU are happy with.

coolcait

Just_Plain_Jane wrote: »

Or is it that you are at risk of exposing yourself as a hypocrite if you answer it?

Not giving out personal information on the internet is a very good policy, and excellent advice.

Take the OP's situation, for example. It's not exactly your common or garden dilemma. Anyone who knows her or her OP's family could probably identify her from the info in her first post.

I couldn't figure out how a new poster, with such a complex problem, would have found 'moneysavingexpert.com' as the first choice of forum to discuss her situation. Especially in the absence of any moneysaving issues.

However, maybe it seemed more anonymous than the more obvious fora such as netmums. Less likely that she would be identified.

Bottom line. No one should feel that they need to give out personal information on line - ever. Even if they are subjected to the kind of pressure that you've just used.

Also, even if you are the most garrulous, sharing, open person in the world - especially if you are the most garrulous, sharing, open person in the world - please reign in the info you give out about yourself online.

It's astonishing how quickly it can build up into a very clear picture of who you are, and where you live.

Especially if your circumstances (as so often seems to be the case on here) are extremely unusual.

But even if you are joe/josephine average, you'd probably be quite shocked if you considered how much identifying personal info you are giving out without realising it.

On that note, it's back to school tomorrow, so I'm off to be a proper mum and iron the uniform(s) - without being age or quantity specific.

There have been a lot of interesting points raised, and I hope I get a chance to consider them and respond. I'm not sure if I'll be able to do my night-owl thing tonight. Maybe tomorrow.

But, the whole 'protect your identity on the internet' issue is a personal bugbear, and I've said it before on MSE.

So sorry, Just Plain Jane, I have a huge objection to the idea that people should be forced into giving out personal information in the way that you have tried to do it - even if it was unwitting.

And, before you try the whole 'you're Ceridwen!' angle, ask yourself if anything I have said about internet security would suddenly become untrue if I were Ceridwen, and every other poster on this thread except you. (After all, unless you're posting on here under AEs, you can only be sure that there are two people posting at any time - you, and any other user-name that appears )

IMO (and only IMO) people who give out huge levels of identifying personal detail are either naive about the way the internet works, or they are telling a story which bears no resemblance to any real life.


P.S. For the record - I don't use any other log-in name to post on here.

jackieglasgow

I don't think you're Ceridwen at all, her posting style is too unique.

marmitepotato

I think your SIL is spiteful and jealous, she probably resented you marrying her brother and the resent has manifested itself in your happiness/children. I would be polite but aloof next time you meet, people like this should be held at arms length.

If she buys presents for your other children I would give them to charity/put them in the bin.

Try not to worry about this spiteful individual and enjoy your pregnancy. It would be lovely if you came back after the baby is born and tell us what you had, and what you have called your baby. I am sure we will all want to know, wont we?

Good luck and and my very best wishes to you and your hubby.

Morglin

PasturesNew wrote: »

Why is her opinion/honesty "bitter"?

It's just her opinion, which differs from yours.

Her opinion is one thing - but to say she will treat the new child differently from the others (no pressies), is grossly unfair on the new child, as soon as s/he can understand.:mad:

If I were the OP, I'd completely ignore the bitter (and probably jealous) old cow, and tell her I don't want anything from her for any of my kids.

Lin

ceridwen

rachbc wrote: »

Goodness no I absolutely wasn't asking your opinion on mixed race marriage - what I was getting at was should ALL views be respected equally just because they are strongly held and not respecting them would upset the holder of those views - and clearly thats not the case. You would be prepared to upset the holder of the view (the SIL) if what you wanted for your (the OPs) life didn't match what she felt you should do...in fact you would issue an ultimatium and upset the whole family - the exact opposite of what you are saying should have happened in this scenario...

Because it is entirely my business alone who I chose to marry/live with - it does not affect anyone else in any material way. It would upset a few relatives' emotions. But emotions ARE only emotions and would have been upset because they chose to be upset - not because I had done anything upsetting per se IYSWIM.

Adding an extra person to the worlds population affects us all in a material way.

That is where I see the difference lying.

ceridwen

jackieglasgow wrote: »

I don't think you're Ceridwen at all, her posting style is too unique.

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:....I dont think I dare ask in which way..hmm...use of regional phrases thrown in? dry sense of humour? - and I mustnt forget a friends comment about "You dont DO fluffy"..?

I'll leave that subject whilst I'm still ahead...:)