Bitter sister in law

KiKi

DogsBody wrote: »

The OP should not feel that she has to hide her happiness, tiptoe around SIL etc, but neither should the SIL. If you don't want to fall out, can't you just agree to disagree?

I totally agree - if this were a debate about recycling or vegetarianism or schools or health or roads.

But this is a specific human life we're talking about, and this is why it becomes an issue. The SIL is absolutely entitled to her views on population. But when she cuts off this specific child ("I won't be buying this one any presents") whilst still buying for the other two, that's not acceptable.

She has taken her fair personal principles about a generic issue, and made them specific to a child to the point where she's going to treat another human being different because of a parents' choice. That's not fair on the child.

She doesn't have to be happy for them, and she should hold her views as strongly as she likes. But saying she will ignore the third child is absolutely not on, IMO.

KiKi

c_l_a_i_r_e

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

Claire I dont think the OP is so much upset that the SIL wasn't happy for them, more that she was so blatantly rude by saying she'd treat the 3rd child differently, as some sort of misplaced nod to her principles.

Indeed the OP should let things lie as you suggest, but I think the OP was looking for ways to approach the situation going forward (given the SIL's presents comment) rather than cause an overpopulation debate.

I know that:) But what can you do except ride it out and deal with the problems as they arise. If SIL decides to follow through with her present threat then you just come to an arrangement where it is agreed that she buys for none of them at all. She may however have just spoke in the heat of the moment and it may not even come to that, hence why I would leave it be for the meantime rather than back the SIL into a corner now over her comments. A quiet word between the OP's husband and his sister at the relevant time could hopefully nip that problem in the bud and avoid any further drama.

Abbafan1972

ceridwen wrote: »

Can I point out that I would personally do the conventional "congratulations", etc on child 1 and 2 that anyone had - indeed I have done.

BUT...well howzabout I give another analogous situation then? Okay...suppose someone lived in the Southern states of America a couple of hundred years back? Now - bear in mind that at that point in history that many people in those Southern States had slaves and/or thought it was okay to have slaves.

In those circumstances - someone who was a bit "ahead of their time" and didnt agree with this would be in a very very awkward situation if someone who was a friend of theirs announced right in front of them that that is precisely what they proposed to do. You would sit there and think "They're a fine person in a lot of other respects...I want to keep a positive relationship with them in a lot of other respects BUT BUT BUT.....". So - just what do you do in those circumstances then? The choices would be:
- Tell them that was just fine END OF
- Tell them that was just fine but continue (behind their backs) to help slaves escape
- Say absolutely nothing about the subject to them at all and help the slaves escape behind their back
- Condemn them and help those slaves escape.

It really is an analogous situation to those of us who mentally put ourselves forward "into the future" and wonder how people will think/act in a future society about something.

In the analogous situation above - I would have probably chosen option 3 - ie say absolutely nothing to them and help the slaves escape behind their back.

In this particular instance though - ie the late 20th century/early 21st century dilemma of having a child no. 3 or beyond - then what is the option 3 in those circumstances?

Hence - why I think this must not be "flaunted" in front of SIL - to make it possible for her to maintain ties to the family, whilst not going against deeply-held beliefs. So - I think FIL was being "hugely insensitive" (I could phrase this a lot more strongly....) to do this to his own daughter...How could he treat his own daughter this way? To me - that smacks of trying to force her to conform to conventional opinion regardless and it would have made me very very angry indeed with him in SIL's position....

English? I haven't a clue what you're on about.

Sambucus_Nigra

Abbafan1972 wrote: »

English? I haven't a clue what you're on about.

She's trying to infer that the idea of having more than 2 kids is barbaric. And that people that believe in the overpopulation theory are enlightened.

clairec79

This is covered in modern etiquette books Ceridwen, under the section where it states the ONLY etiquettely correct reply to a pregnancy announcement is congratulations.

I feel that SIL needs to treat all the children the same, if that is gifting none of them, well that is her choice, gifting 2 out of 3 not on.

Mind you now that I've said that had my brother and SIL not brought for my youngest this year I wouldn't havebeen offended (their son who died 2 months ago was 3 weeks younger than my son so figured it may hurt too much for them to look at baby stuff, I have a hard enough time looking at the toy I gave my son which matchs the one I brought for their son) but they still did

Skint_Lynne

A very interesting thread.

It just shows how varied people's views can be. My initial reaction is that this woman is a bit of a nutter, why would you exclude a child because it is 3rd in line?

It does sound as if she has some issues, perhaps she does have aspergers or something similar.

Everyone, however is entitled to their own opinions, some folk just do not do 'tactful'.

I think that a baby is a joy, and if the parents can pay for the child's upkeep, then it it their business.

I could go on to speak about people having 6 kids on the dole, junkies, drunks etc, but that is an entirely different discussion.

You have to expect views you don't agree with on an open forum.

I say, good luck and congratulations on your forthcoming baby. xx

VK-2008

shes probably jealous of your family.
i would say to wind her up well since you have zero children im having an extra one so the world is not overpopulated.
hehe

in all seriousness if you and dh are happy and want a 3rd child stuff what everyone else thinks
some people cant bare to be happy for anyone else.
i wish you and your family all the best and enjoy your little bundke of joy xx

ceridwen

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

Coolcait responded thus:




You do have a way to be non-commital in a group situation where a toast is proposed: quietly don't raise your glass and if someone asks you why you didn't (unlikely in my experience) then you could say "you know my opinions on this subject" and if pushed, just say "I don't want to spoil a happy moment for my relatives, so I wish to say no more on the subject."

Which DOES actually start to bring through a way to deal with any dilemma like this:

- perhaps through:
1. leave glass on table and just look at table whilst toast is being raised.
2. if someone is insensitive/pushy enough to ask why state "You know my opinions on this subject".
3. If the pushy person comes back and comments again repeat "You know my opinions on this subject" and repeat this however many times they repeat their comments.
4. If all else fails (ie because they have the "hide of a rhino" and/or a cruel streak - say "Excuse me - I need the loo" and get up and go there).

So - we are starting to come up with practical ways to deal with situations like this.

****************************

I guess the practical way to deal with the presents issue for a 3rd or later child would be to say something about "I'm afraid my finances have got worse now - happening to a lot of us, isnt it?" and don't buy for any of them.

**********************************

In response to the comments about "I'M not tiptoeing round anyone" - ITRW we all sometimes have to be a bit tactful. That isnt "tiptoeing round someone"/"walking on eggshells". Some of us have had to get very used to not even saying something pretty innocuous (ie because the person concerned is SO different to us) and it may well be that they think the same back in reverse .....

flower24

Finances are nothing to do with it, say she spent £10 each on the first two children, once number 3 comes along she spends £6 on each of them instead.

ceridwen

VK-2008 wrote: »

i would say to wind her up well since you have zero children im having an extra one so the world is not overpopulated.
hehe

WHEW! What an odd idea to "wind someone up" about something....

Personally - I would neither know how to "wind someone up" or see the point of it.

All I know about "winding people up" is that some people seem to derive pleasure from it - for some reason that totally eludes me..