Bitter sister in law

ceridwen

immynjoesmum wrote: »

Finances are nothing to do with it, say she spent £10 each on the first two children, once number 3 comes along she spends £6 on each of them instead.

Which would work - if the reason was that the person concerned was too broke to fund presents for a 3rd child too. That is not the case in this situation though...hence the obvious way to go is to treat them all equally and not buy any presents at all.

That leaves another little "how to" situation - ie how to explain to child no 1 and child no 2 why they are no longer getting presents from the person concerned. Think that "explanation" is best coming from the parent concerned - and if they decide to tell some "little white lie" about why not then thats their business/their conscience dealing with it.

Plans_all_plans

ceridwen wrote: »

Which DOES actually start to bring through a way to deal with any dilemma like this...So - we are starting to come up with practical ways to deal with situations like this.

BUT, the solution I came up with seems the obvious thing to me, because in order to rub along with people in society, we have to know when to be tactful and/or keep quiet.

What I find most unusual is that you seem to think you need an etiquette book to tell you this?

I honestly don't mean that comment as a dig at you, I just find it odd that you are twice my age but couldn't see that the SIL speaking out in such a fashion was not the right way to deal with the situation at that point in time. Nor could you come up with another way of dealing with the situation in a manner that you felt would not compromise one's principles.

lostinrates

Alittlesad wrote: »

Thanks in particular to Lostinrates who has provided her opinion with balance and care. I appreciate it..

Thank you. It means a lot to me. Its not easy to have an unpopular opinion from a ''complicatedly sad'' position.

FWIW despite my GENERAL opinion I wish you the best of luck personally and that you SiL comes to the same place as I am, for your sake, for her sake and for the childrens'sakes.

Being an aunt is a lovely thing to be, and further more I flatter myself that I have at times been a very important person to my nieces - not least because I do hold different stances on many things to their parents which adds perspective to their outlook, but also never seek to undermine or dismiss their parents views...though I can find that very hard!

ceridwen

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

ceridwen wrote: »

Which DOES actually start to bring through a way to deal with any dilemma like this...So - we are starting to come up with practical ways to deal with situations like this.

BUT, the solution I came up with seems the obvious thing to me, because in order to rub along with people in society, we have to know when to be tactful and/or keep quiet.

What I find most unusual is that you seem to think you need an etiquette book to tell you this?

I honestly don't mean that comment as a dig at you, I just find it odd that you are twice my age but couldn't see that the SIL speaking out in such a fashion was not the right way to deal with the situation at that point in time. Nor could you come up with another way of dealing with the situation in a manner that you felt would not compromise one's principles.

Many people are ...and will increasingly...find themselves in this sort of situation. My guess is that a useful second paragraph on this particular situation would be "How to deal with someone who is absolutely determined to FORCE you to conform to THEIR views - by catching you on the hop and hoping that will do the trick of making you act the way THEY want? (ie that insensitive father)". I still think he was way out of order to do a "lets praise up one of my children at the expense of the other one" scenario - which is what I'm sure it feels like in SIL's mind - so no wonder she went off on one (sheer anger at her fathers thoughtlessness would be quite enough to provoke some sort of retort - and he should have anticipated this).

I certainly think its easily possible for someone who is very different to ourselves to "walk straight across our deepest Selves" because they don't know/understand. One is entitled to expect a parent to be aware when they are doing this to a child though (adult child in this case). But sometimes one just has to lose one's temper once or twice before the message gets through "I'm my own person - stop trying to make me be someone like you". Only - some of us direct it straight at the person concerned (ie the father in this case).

Plans_all_plans

Should he have anticipated her reaction though?

As you can see from this thread, 98% of respondents actually can't believe someone would react in this manner.

Why would her father be any different?

Just_Plain_Jane

ceridwen wrote: »

That leaves another little "how to" situation - ie how to explain to child no 1 and child no 2 why they are no longer getting presents from the person concerned. Think that "explanation" is best coming from the parent concerned - and if they decide to tell some "little white lie" about why not then thats their business/their conscience dealing with it.

I disagree. The aunt has had no problems making her sentiments felt to the adults in the family, why should she be allowed to cop out and let someone else explain to the children?

ceridwen

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

Should he have anticipated her reaction though?

As you can see from this thread, 98% of respondents actually can't believe someone would react in this manner.

Why would her father be any different?

In the sense that a lot of people arent prepared to realise just how different someone else might be to them - as its much easier to assume that everyone is pretty similar to oneself. So father may well still be in this mindset and automatically assuming that things are as he would like them to be and people (including SIL) are similar to himself when it comes down to it.

It DOES take a heck of a lot of effort to realise and adapt to someone so close that one has no option but to get along with them being a very different person. Personally - I suppose it boiled down with my parents to both them and I (errrr...usually...<cough>) drawing a discreet veil over the differences (even though they are fundamental in many ways) and just focusing on those things that we DO have in common. In my case the things that my parents and I have in common are:
- middle class
- law-abiding
- the fact that we own our own homes and expect that we will undertake any work that needs doing on them (rather than neglecting them)
- a preparedness to use any medical strategy that works/might work to deal with any illness that comes up (conventional or alternative) and to throw whatever money we have to at it to deal with it
- responsible attitude to money

The things we DONT have in common - we'd be here till midnight with a huge long list and some extremely fundamental differences.....:rotfl:

Thats what has to happen ultimately where people who are very very different to each other - but are thrown together by being related to each other have to deal with. Hence - I tend to think that this is what will have to happen in these circumstances - ie make a "huge thing" of what there is in common and say nowt/do nowt about fundamental differences on other issues (even if they are the major ones there is...).

Voice of experience time here....:cool:

Plans_all_plans

Why should the majority adapt to the SIL though? Surely the onus is just as much on her to adapt to the others. Particularly given she is in the minority, no?

bunty109

ceridwen wrote: »

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

ceridwen wrote: »

One is entitled to expect a parent to be aware when they are doing this to a child though (adult child in this case). But sometimes one just has to lose one's temper once or twice before the message gets through "I'm my own person - stop trying to make me be someone like you". Only - some of us direct it straight at the person concerned (ie the father in this case).

Ceridwen, I do understand waht you are trying to say, but what's to say that the SIL's opinions being forced on people hasn't become overbearing for the family? What's to say that for just once, the FIL thought he'd do something regardless, because on other occasions her "right" to express her views hasn't sat well with the rest of the family or caused offence to people? I've found that there's a very fine line between "straight talking" and coming across as rude and if you choose to say things as you see them, then you run the risk of people being offended by your manner (as sounds the case here).

If it really is the case that these are the SIL's views and that she has no other reason to feel hurt by the pregnancy (desire to have been a mother/ miscarriage etc), then etiquette would dictate she just kept quiet. Personally I believe having children should be something that's done by people who have a long term commitment to someone, but there's no way I would ever pass a comment if someone announced they were pregnant and hadn't been in a relationship all that long. It's how I feel but I am not about to impose that one anyone or make them feel bad about their decision.

yesican

Tell her to get stuffed!-Life is too short to waste on people who are nothing but negative around you.
You're pregnant and you need all positive energy around you.You've got a husband who loves you, two beautiful kids,if your sister -in -law cant be happy with you,too bad.

(Sorry for being so blunt-thats just me).
All the best.

Momofone