Bitter sister in law

Alittlesad

ceridwen wrote: »

As regards whether I do or dont "condone" SIL's comment - I am trying to get the message over that she was probably/almost certainly "caught on the hop" by FIL proposing that toast and came straight out in the heat of the moment with a different response to what she might have if she had prepared in advance for this.
When one has what is currently a "minority" viewpoint then - after a while - it becomes clear that there is the necessity to second-guess those times when people might accidentally or deliberately put you on the spot with something they say or do. In a variety of contexts - on a couple of issues - I have found there have been times where I have been unexpectedly put on the spot and not made the best possible response.

By now I mentally run through in advance any "potential awkward moment" scenarios and usually have worked out exactly what I will say/do in response to any "putting on the spot". Some people do it accidentally - though there certainly are people who do it deliberately too. Many people do seem to go through life on the basis that they are pretty "conventional" and they expect others to act in exactly the way they would/think in exactly the way they would - and it feels very pressurising at times to those of us with a different view:(. Time to mentally prepare means one can stick a "neutral" expression carefully onto face and mentally put the barriers up - decide you dont wish the person concerned to even notice you are there and then the person concerned often literally doesnt seem to see you sitting there and rarely "unleashes" an inappropriate or awkward comment. However - if they still manage to notice you and do do so - you are prepared and don't get panicked into reacting differently to how you would wish.

My husband has confirmed that she knew about the toast in advance so I'm afraid that theory doesn't stand up.

ceridwen

mumps wrote: »

Re the issue of marrying someone of another race, I can assure you that some people find this as big an issue as over population. In fact as someone married to someone of another race and with four children I have had more problems with people who feel I have committed a race crime by poluting the gene pool. They feel every bit as justified in making these remarks and I find it just as rude.

I personally wouldnt be surprised.

In those circumstances - well...I would certainly make comments back about the racism. In those circumstances I would certainly not "go neutral/invisible" - I'd go ballistic and they would be highly likely to get some comment back about our respective intelligence levels (ie it wouldnt be one that would be very flattering to THEIR level of intelligence....:D).

thorsoak

I haven't read the whole thread - sorry other things on my mind at the moment - but I just want to say (1) congratulations on your pregnancy - you and your OH and other two children are obviously delighted - and that is just how it should be!

As for your SIL - she has expressed her opinion - forceibly - and that it just that - her opinion. What you and your OH decide to do regarding the size of your family has nothing to do with her - and her opinions have nothing to do with you. Presents only for your first two children? Just redirect them to a childrens' home - and tell her that maybe she would like to send them direct there in future.

You won't change her mind and neither will she change yours - just leave her on the periphery of your lives.

jackieglasgow

Alittlesad wrote: »

My husband has confirmed that she knew about the toast in advance so I'm afraid that theory doesn't stand up.

WellI think she is being disgusting and outrageous, not only was she given the news in advance of the pregnancy, so she could decide how to respond when she saw you (shame her manners deserted her at that point), but she knew there would be a toast? She had plenty of time to practice biting her flaming tongue then! Shame on her, maybe its fortunate she doesn't want a relationship with your child, and probably now won't have one with any of them, would you really want anyone with such terrible manners having any influence over your children?

Frugalista

ceridwen wrote: »

I personally wouldnt be surprised.

In those circumstances - well...I would certainly make comments back about the racism. In those circumstances I would certainly not "go neutral/invisible" - I'd go ballistic and they would be highly likely to get some comment back about our respective intelligence levels (ie it wouldnt be one that would be very flattering to THEIR level of intelligence....:D).

What exactly has that got to do with intelligence levels?

melancholly

can we move away from the personal stuff? i don't really agree with ceridwen's opinion, but this is in danger of becoming a witch hunt (not that i'm implying you're a witch... must choose phrases more carefully!).

(incidentally, i'd gulp and shut up if someone introduced a new family that i thought was awful, but i'd bite if something racist was said.... some beliefs over-ride being polite for politeness sake.... which i hadn't really thought about when i read the first post initially.... maybe for the SIL it's that serious too? extreme and, imo, odd, but certainly viable?)

lostinrates

melancholly wrote: »

can we move away from the personal stuff? i don't really agree with ceridwen's opinion, but this is in danger of becoming a witch hunt (not that i'm implying you're a witch... must choose phrases more carefully!).

It does rather enforce the view that I was putting forward earlier. The personal comments to wards someone of a different view is acceptable...when to others it reads as similarly as inappropriate and hypocritical though. IMO only of course.

FWIW racism in a relationship is something I have experienced and IMO is in no way comparable (it was a decision between adults that impacted directly only on us and we remained open for conversation on all other topics and simply closed down on this one regardless of our opinion that it was a non -issue. we accepted it was for some and felt ''fighting'' it would crate more antagonism). And yes, dealt with it in the same way I would in OPs or sil's position..quietly got on with it ourselves. And eloped.:D Does it still cause animation...I guess so, but we hear less of it, and we have also heard people say with some surprise that we do seem to be very much making it work: i think by quietly getting n with it we do a better job of displaying it as being th right decision for us than if we ranted and protested. Like op's sil did.

(Its all ridiculous anyway...neither of us practise or follow our respective religions/cultures.)

ceridwen

melancholly wrote: »

can we move away from the personal stuff? i don't really agree with ceridwen's opinion, but this is in danger of becoming a witch hunt (not that i'm implying you're a witch... must choose phrases more carefully!).

(

:rotfl::rotfl:...Then I guess I had better be thankful for small mercies - no chance of getting put on a ducking stool or burnt at the stake in the 21st Century..:rotfl::rotfl:. I think I can cope with a few verbally aggressive people - just don't ask me what the comments I am thinking to myself about them are...:D (to quote someone else's "signature" - "Bliss - 2 people on ignore now").

mumps

Alittlesad wrote: »

That's not rude. It's downright shocking. :mad:

It does get to me sometimes but I try to rise above it. Not always easy but some people are rude. The thing that always amuses me is that they are usually the people who take offence at the slightest thing, can't prove that statistically but it is my experience. I suppose the rudest comments were when I nearly miscarried my fourth child, not sure if the worst was the guy at work who said if "it" was disabled it would be his taxes paying for "it" or the doctor who said, "Well you have another three."

mumps

ceridwen wrote: »

I personally wouldnt be surprised.

In those circumstances - well...I would certainly make comments back about the racism. In those circumstances I would certainly not "go neutral/invisible" - I'd go ballistic and they would be highly likely to get some comment back about our respective intelligence levels (ie it wouldnt be one that would be very flattering to THEIR level of intelligence....:D).

We try to do it another way, reacting to them and showing they have upset us just feels like they are winning. It happens less now or maybe my increasing senility means I notice/hear it less. One advantage of getting older. To the people who said it wouldn't last