A good enough reason to seperate?

averagejoe78

Hi,

Not posted on here before but been a long time visitor. Really not sure what to do for the best and racked with uncertainty really. Its a long story but i'll try to keep it brief.

I've been married to my wife for two yrs and we've been together ten yrs and have a six mth old. The relationship (like most) has had its ups and downs however recently things just seem to have gotten worse, or my tolerance has got less. My wife is very opinionated and blunt and is always pointing out my inadequecies and jumping on the smallest thing I have done wrong/forgotten to do to have a go. Example could be taking the bin out, wiping surfaces, buying the wrong brand of shampoo, saying something to my family without consulting her...anything really. I'm not a complete sop and do stand up for myself (hence the arguements) and point out that I'm not perfect but the things she "blows up" over are trivial and dont warrrant her reaction which usually involves swearing and some name calling. This is mostly in private but on the odd occassion has been in front of others.

To be honest I think I've just become hardened to this over the years and just put up with it, on average there's probably one big blow up a month but it's more the constant chipping away with small comments about things i've done wrong that gets to me. She also quick to point out any failings in the way i look, the clothes i wear insisting she's just being honest as she wants me to look my best and "make an effort". Of course this is all amplified now having a young child and my big concern, which i have told her is that i do not want my child growing up hearing his mummy shouting and swearing at their daddy as happens now. Her response is its my fault she shouts as i don't do enough/get things wrong or don't listen to her. In fairness she has a point with the not listening bit as over the years i've got that used to constant verbals/nagging from her i tend to switch off and then of course i miss something she has asked me to do/said, respond correctly/do it/do it wrong and another row kicks off.

Inbetween bickering we do get on and both love our child and I can't deny she's a great mum it's just that the whole relationship seems a constant battle. I hate shopping but i've found myself offering to go do the food shop just for some peace and space - that's how bad its got!!!

So it's been feeling like things have been coming to a head for a while and we have discussed seperating not that long ago. It's such a big step though and at the forefront of my mind is our child and the effect it would have. I want to be a proper dad and contribute properly but wouldn't really know where to start with seperation/access/child maintainance/the house (we have a joint mortgage with 50k equity). If we did seperate i'd expect i'd be the one to move out but not sure what i could afford on my own if i had to pay my half of mtg and all bills on house as well. Also in mid 30's and going back to living alone and socializing seems scary and daunting especially as most of my friends are now settled themselves.


Any advice on anything appreciated, maybe i just need the chance to have a moan and be told to stop being soft more than anything.



Joe

ema_o

Hi Joe

This doesn't sound great, and from your perspective it must be pretty horrible living with constant criticism like this.
Has your OH always been like this? I know myself and my partner go through some phases when I'm not nice to him and vice versa, there is usually something that triggers one of us being upset at the other (for me' it's usually not spending any quality time together).

Would you consider going for councelling to help you both talk things through and maybe come to some compromise? From the fact that you do get on well between arguments it does sound like you have a chance, but assume that you'll both have to work on it (not knowing your OH's side but I'm sure things are different from her perspective).

Hope you can get somewhere with this!

diable

Both step back and have a think, do you still love your wife and does she still love you. if you both say no then cut your losses and separate if you both still love and are in love with each other then work things out.

diable

Maybe your wife is feeling down, suffering from depression etc etc its hard being a Mum to a 6 month old, maybe stuck at home all day while you are at work.

Tell her she looks beautiful and how wonderful she is and how you are happy with the family unit. Opinionated and blunt means a strong woman who won't be swayed or !!!!!!!!ed so there must be some truth in what she says when she asks you to smarten up, don't be a scruff and make her proud of her man.

ellay864

You do really need to talk about what you both want. She may well be suffering from depression and not realise it. My now ex husband wouldnt talk to me when we had problems. I knew things weren't right but he denied there being anything wrong and said it was me being stupid. It turned out he'd met somebody else, ended up leaving me for her and then told me how unhappy I'd made him but he hadn't had the strength to say anything. We both felt like we'd failed and he did admit at the time that he wished he'd done something to try to save it but he didnt and it went too far.
It's very hard to face the question of whether you really want to both stay in the marriage but if you don't do it now you'll end up getting in an even messier situation. And you're totally right that you need to sort this now and consider your child. My 2 boys were 7 and 5 and it killed me having to bottle things in around them.
Good luck, hope you can work things out x

coolcait

averagejoe78 wrote: »

Hi,

Not posted on here before but been a long time visitor. Really not sure what to do for the best and racked with uncertainty really. Its a long story but i'll try to keep it brief.

I've been married to my wife for two yrs and we've been together ten yrs and have a six mth old. The relationship (like most) has had its ups and downs however recently things just seem to have gotten worse, or my tolerance has got less. My wife is very opinionated and blunt and is always pointing out my inadequecies and jumping on the smallest thing I have done wrong/forgotten to do to have a go. Example could be taking the bin out, wiping surfaces, buying the wrong brand of shampoo, saying something to my family without consulting her...anything really. I'm not a complete sop and do stand up for myself (hence the arguements) and point out that I'm not perfect but the things she "blows up" over are trivial and dont warrrant her reaction which usually involves swearing and some name calling. This is mostly in private but on the odd occassion has been in front of others.

To be honest I think I've just become hardened to this over the years and just put up with it, on average there's probably one big blow up a month but it's more the constant chipping away with small comments about things i've done wrong that gets to me. She also quick to point out any failings in the way i look, the clothes i wear insisting she's just being honest as she wants me to look my best and "make an effort". Of course this is all amplified now having a young child and my big concern, which i have told her is that i do not want my child growing up hearing his mummy shouting and swearing at their daddy as happens now. Her response is its my fault she shouts as i don't do enough/get things wrong or don't listen to her. In fairness she has a point with the not listening bit as over the years i've got that used to constant verbals/nagging from her i tend to switch off and then of course i miss something she has asked me to do/said, respond correctly/do it/do it wrong and another row kicks off.

Inbetween bickering we do get on and both love our child and I can't deny she's a great mum it's just that the whole relationship seems a constant battle. I hate shopping but i've found myself offering to go do the food shop just for some peace and space - that's how bad its got!!!

So it's been feeling like things have been coming to a head for a while and we have discussed seperating not that long ago. It's such a big step though and at the forefront of my mind is our child and the effect it would have. I want to be a proper dad and contribute properly but wouldn't really know where to start with seperation/access/child maintainance/the house (we have a joint mortgage with 50k equity). If we did seperate i'd expect i'd be the one to move out but not sure what i could afford on my own if i had to pay my half of mtg and all bills on house as well. Also in mid 30's and going back to living alone and socializing seems scary and daunting especially as most of my friends are now settled themselves.


Any advice on anything appreciated, maybe i just need the chance to have a moan and be told to stop being soft more than anything.



Joe

If this post had been presented as being written by a woman, talking about the way her husband treats her and speaks to her, I wonder what reaction it would have received?

I suspect that we might have seen more 'diagnoses' of domestic violence/abuse.

The behviour which is described is unacceptable. It is for the wife to change her behaviour. That may include seeking medical advice about possible depression, and getting treatment for it if relevant.

It should not include using 'depression' as a excuse for her behaviour, or as a reason for continuing to behave that way.

jayII

It sounds like a horrible way to live. It can't be fun for either of you to live in that environment, and it won't be doing your son any good.

I'd suggest counselling, trying to work on basic communication skills, and setting some mutually agreed ground rules. For example, one of the most helpful skills that my husband used when we were having a very rough patch, was 'listening time'. We chose a convenient time where we can have private peace and quiet, and took turns to air our feelings, using a symbolic 'item' to indicate whose turn it is to speak. The second person was not allowed to speak until the person holding the object was finished, and passed it to them. We chose a small item that could fit in the hand...for us it was a small wooden ornament, and took turns to hold the object and talk. We also took time to reflect back to each other before saying our piece, i.e. 'you said:' or 'did you mean?', so that we really understood what the other was saying, and what they meant, passing the object back an forth as we went. It's amazing how easily we can misunderstand another person, and their motives for behaving in a certain way. It's also very liberating to feel you're 'finally' being listened to. It is though, very very frustrating to have to sit and listen, without interrupting, until the other person decides they've finished.

We initially used these times to set ground rules, like never contradicting each other about the children, in front of them, but after time we could use them to share our frustrations, and to discuss deeper issues.

I can't imagine that your wife really wants to make you feel criticised and disrespected, but she's probably developed habits, and doesn't know how to be any different. Do try to get counselling too, and have 'date nights' where you book a babysitter and have fun together, if at all possible.

Good luck!

Fang_3

diable wrote: »

Opinionated and blunt means a strong woman who won't be swayed or !!!!!!!!ed so there must be some truth in what she says when she asks you to smarten up, don't be a scruff and make her proud of her man.

This is nothing more than bulltish. Opinionated and blunt means exactly that, nothing more. In fact it says more that she's an incompetent communicator than anything else.

OP - she does seem to be unhappy, and so do you. While it's a noble gesture saying that you'll continue to pay 50% of the mortgage should you split up, but really, all you would have to pay is something like 15% of your income.

But before you even think of that, you need to decide both alone and together, whether your marriage is worth saying. Or if your child would be better off with two happy parents apart, rather than unhappy but together.

diable

coolcait wrote: »

If this post had been presented as being written by a woman, talking about the way her husband treats her and speaks to her, I wonder what reaction it would have received?

I suspect that we might have seen more 'diagnoses' of domestic violence/abuse.

The behviour which is described is unacceptable. It is for the wife to change her behaviour. That may include seeking medical advice about possible depression, and getting treatment for it if relevant.

It should not include using 'depression' as a excuse for her behaviour, or as a reason for continuing to behave that way.

Depression is an illness and should not be dismissed, men and women can suffer you just need to be able to read the symptoms and for someone to change their behaviour may be difficult if they believe their behaviour to be norm. For people suffering depression the other half needs to understand and see the symptoms and to help the sufferer it takes acceptance and maybe an appointment with a well being practitioner to help things along.

Depression is an illness that will or could affect 27% of women in the UK and maybe 1 in 10 children, the problem is a lot of people will never see this. I have read a lot on the statistics in this subject(I know they maybe skewed) but the GF is studying in this field.

diable

Just tell her you love her, if you really do..................

GlasweJen

There's no excuse for domestic abuse and I'm sorry but if a partner constantly undermimed me then I'd say I'm being emotionally abused. Just because the OP is male doesn't change the criteria.

I'd be frank, tell your wife any more of her rubbish and she's out, why should you be the one to leave? She's the one with the problem. A father can raise a child just as well as a mother can.

If she really wanted to change she might respond to therapy but i'd suggest it then tell her if she wants to try it she can book it and tell you the date and time, she needs to be the one to realise her mistakes and change or else it will be a pointless exercise.