A good enough reason to seperate?

sp1987

It reads a little like you are turning into her second child and she is turning into your second mother? I can say the romance must be lost a bit if you have lost your 'partnership' footing and you are now nagging/not listening to each other. She seems to shout and you seem to ignore her, so she shouts more and you ignore more.

Why is she blowing up at you? Very few people will care so much about how a surface is wiped that it will cause them enough anguish to argue over it. Is she getting controlling over the house as she spends so long in it that it is strange when you aren't there? If she has cleaned a surface during the day maybe she is overly particular about it? Is she lonely?

As for this 'making an effort' thing. She doesn't seem to think that you do make an effort. Do you? Can you both go out for the evening (or day if you can't find a babysitter, we go happily for romantic meals with our baby son in the middle of the day, lol) and both dress up? I do dress my partner a bit (he is perfect anyway I just like to and he seems to go along for the ride with it fine as it saves him picking clothes!), does your wife or do you try to resist? Lol. You haven't been married long so she may feel a bit like 'oh we are married now so we are never going to do anything spontaneous ever again'. Plus she is only 6 months post birth so is probably fatter/flabbier than she would like to be (even if you don't think she is). She may well be picking on your looks because she isn't comfortable with her own.

I know for an absolute fact my partner could not pick the right shampoo (mainly because I often decide on the day what I fancy buying) so I buy it. He will use absolutely whatever is there and just will not see why I want x or y, so it isn't worth troubling him with which brand. Why are you venturing into the purchasing of women's beauty products? That is a battle few men can win. I think you need to leave that one alone.

You need to make sure she knows you love and care about her (she must be picking up on you feeling bad enough to want to leave which can't be doing her confidence much good, or yours!) but also that you deserve to be treated properly, like a human being. Maybe write down a list of what you actually want from her (e.g. politeness, no swearing) and an imaginery list of what she would want from you (eg to listen and make an effort). If you then talk to her about it, you can agree to work on those things, whilst also telling her all the things that don't need any extra efforts made (e.g. she is a good mother, beautiful, etc). Maybe she can write you a list of the things she wants you to do aswell. If you aren't much of a listener, she could write it down and you could follow the list. That way you don't get nagged and she doesn't have to wait for nothing to happen. Men and women are genetically so different so each gender has to make allowances for the differences in approach we each have to things, or only have relations with people of our own gender, lol.

Can you offer to sort your daughter out one evening and run your wife a bath and put some music on for her to have a relax? Glass of wine, few stupid candles? Cook her a bit of food?

Her actions are unreasonable, unacceptable, uncivil and rude but rather than just saying that and losing your marriage, you may be able to find out what is troubling her (and you!), sort it out and have a happier life together. You both owe it to the three of you to put a bit of effort in and see where it takes you. You have nothing to lose.

coolcait

diable wrote: »

Depression is an illness and should not be dismissed, men and women can suffer you just need to be able to read the symptoms and for someone to change their behaviour may be difficult if they believe their behaviour to be norm. For people suffering depression the other half needs to understand and see the symptoms and to help the sufferer it takes acceptance and maybe an appointment with a well being practitioner to help things along.

Depression is an illness that will or could affect 27% of women in the UK and maybe 1 in 10 children, the problem is a lot of people will never see this. I have read a lot on the statistics in this subject(I know they maybe skewed) but the GF is studying in this field.

As I said:

"It is for the wife to change her behaviour. That may include seeking medical advice about possible depression, and getting treatment for it if relevant."

It doesn't matter how supportive and understanding the 'other half' of anyone else happens to be. They can't treat depression in another person; they can't make treatment happen.

They are very much in the hands of the person suffering from depression. If that person sees their behaviour as 'the norm', and refuses to change their behaviour, what then?

The person who is being abused is entitled to know that it is abuse. And that they don't have to put up with it.

We can't change the behaviour of others. We can change our own behaviour. Sometimes that means that we have to walk away from someone who is abusing us.

Depression also affects men. Yet that's rarely the first 'diagnosis' when a woman posts that her husband is verbally and emotionally abusing her. My statistics on this subject - like yours - are woolly.

The bottom line is that the behaviour, and the effect which it has on other people, is abusive.

Putting the onus on the person being abused - asking them them to understand and help - is unfair.

Unless the abuser is actively and genuinely seeking help for depression (if that is truly the root cause of the behaviour) then the abuse will continue - and the victim will get the blame for not being 'understanding' or 'helpful' enough.

Messrs_Arthur_and_Terry

Sounds like every wife that ever was. LOL.

The OP needs to take a teaspoon of concrete and harden up.

averagejoe78, of course she's giving you a hard time, you've had 10 years to learn the most rudimentary domestic duties and you're still having to be reminded. On top of that there is a little matter of a baby, sleep deprivation and exhaustion in the mix. Disciplining two children, when only one should require it would inflame anyone's patience.

Marriage means many things to many people, but it is supposed to be a partnership, not a one woman show to put a daily meal on the table, that's your mum's role.

Male deafness has a near 100% strike rate, you just need to listen for key phrases, or better still don't get in a situation where she can ambush you. Woman hate seeing their men idle and can't help but create a chore or sulk about one you forgot to do. Self deprecation comes in handy here, whereby you punish yourself with a good talking too, in clear earshot of she who must be obeyed, then just as quickly forget what you were admonishing yourself for.

Sambucus_Nigra

Does a grown man need to be told to take the bin out?

clearingout

go and have a look on www.wikivorce.com to get an idea of where you'd stand financially.

It's not much fun - separation and divorce, I mean. But certainly it's not much fun living as you are. My advice would be to consider whether or not your marraige is really over or whether you can see something worth saving amongst all the rubbish. If so, get yourself to a counsellor or Relate - you can go on your own if your wife won't to with you. If my ex had said to me that he was so unhappy that he was thinking of having an affair, I'd have been off to Relate with him like a shot. Instead, he had an affair and two years later, he left me for said woman. 2 years further on, we're divorced and he's living a miserable existence (relationship with girlfriend is very on-off) and whilst I now know that divorce was probably the only option for us, I do wonder what would have happened if we'd caught it early enough.

And my own life isn't much fun either - I'm a single mum of three children with no spare money and my electrics have blown AGAIN this morning and there's no way I can afford to call out an electrician on a bank holiday. Ho hum!

busiscoming2

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

Does a grown man need to be told to take the bin out?

Had to laugh at this - I thought taking out the bin was the woman's job!! :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:Ive never known a man to do it!

Sambucus_Nigra

busiscoming2 wrote: »

Had to laugh at this - I thought taking out the bin was the woman's job!! :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:Ive never known a man to do it!

You obviously haven't trained yours properly!

My point is - that these things need to be shared....as an adult it doesn't really matter who does these things, but when a man knows he will get 'nagged' about taking the bin out, and still can't work out that to stop the 'nagging' then all he has to do is to take the bin out then take the fe.cking bin out!

Ditto - if you make a mess in the kitchen, get a cloth and mop it up.

I don't know about the shampoo but a little 'they didn't have the usual stuff so I got that' will suffice.

Sounds like the OP needs to pull his weight a bit more and stop whingeing to me.

determined_new_ms

I hope you guys are able to work your way through this. I haven't read the whole thread so forgive me if I'm repeating what someone else has said however I wanted to offer another perspective.I have a tendency to be quite controling and with this come being ultra critical (:o) however as I'm aware of this I "try" to keep it in check most of the time (remind myslef its not important if oh hasn't done x or y because he did z & a etc and ignore the niggling urge to be critical) I find, however under stress or if I'm depressed I can't keep it in check. When things feel out of control for me in areas of my life the need to control my home life (and everyone in it) is overwhelming. Often I'm not aware that I'm doing it and it has a huge impact on my oh (makes him feel I think he's incomptent). So maybe this is where she is at? hths

nzmegs

Being critical of someone is often a learned response or a habit. She has gotten used to dpoing this and won't see it as a problem unless you point it out. The best time to do this is when you are going through a good patch. Just sit her down and start by saying that you are not trying to be critical of her (this will make her defensive) but that you feel that she is overly critical of you and that you don't think you deserve it.

She needs to know that this has gotten to the stage you are thinking of leaving and that she must seek help. If she is critical of you because she just doesn't like/;love you anymore, then a break might be the best thing. If she still loves you then she has to realise that she needs to change.

Just taking to time to make this really clear to her might be enough for her to take steps to improve.You may find that she opens up about why she is like this. She may have her own confidence issues, she may be comparing herself to her peers too much, she may be depressed or it might turn out that she just doesn't love you like she did. But once you know, you can deal with it.

If your talk descends into her not picking and arguing, then you are within your rights to do as you have threatened and leave. this might just make her see how much of a problem it has become. But you need to remember to be open to the discussion and stay calm.

roswell

watch this and decide http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zD4H6fQ22DA